Relationship counselling - feeling so let down.

[TheDetective]

I'm going through a difficult period with my ?partner. He's been living between my house and his mums for the last couple of weeks due to an ongoing situation (it's a long story). The crux of it is, we need relationship counselling. But he needs to go alone and get counselling for himself before we go together.

He finally (after 2 weeks) rang them today, and made an appointment. Then they hit him with the charge. I felt sick to the stomach. The least they would charge was £35 per session!!!

Put it this way - he earns £500 a month. He can't pay that at all!

I can't afford it either. We couldn't afford it together, and certainly not apart.

Apparently they can reduce it further - but only if he gets tax credits.

He doesn't. For 2 reasons. He is under 25, and works 19 hours.

He works 19 hours as this is what he is contracted to. Overtime was banned (it's a supermarket) and he has never been able to get more fixed hours (he's been there 6 years).

We have a young child. He cares for our child so I can go out to work full time. But my child lives here with me. So he isn't the main carer, but does work part time to fit with me working shifts and being the main earner. So he should technically be able to claim tax credits as he is the one working part time because we have a child. But my child lives here with me. So catch 22.

So where do we go from here? We can't afford what they are charging, but if he was getting more money through tax credits, he would be able to pay less . It just seems so unfair to me. :(

Is there any way we can access counselling. I'm desperate. :(

Sorry, I should have said - that was Relate.

Sorry if this is an avenue he's tried, but maybe the gp can refer you? X

He asked on the phone - even with a GP referral, the £35 charge still stands. The full cost is £50.

You say he is splitting his time between your house and his mum's? Surely it is at least as true to say that your house is his home? Would that make a difference to the rules on tax credits?

Can you pay for the counselling?

Why does he have to go first?

I'm wary to do anything about tax credits. Together we aren't entitled, separately I am.

He is not.

But as he is spending several nights here as we work through things (although all his belongings are at his mums) and his car is insured at this address, I would not apply for TC's. Because we all know what they are like .

I can't afford to pay for the counselling.

He needs to go first because of the issues - his personal issues which he wants to address.

Do either of your employers offer an assistance program? I'm entitled to 6 free counselling sessions through my work...

I work for the NHS - I will check that out. I will ask him to check with his work. I am assuming as it is for him, it will need to be through his work.

Depends on the arrangement employers have with counsellor...under my scheme P would be entitled.

I've had a google, and can't find any information.

He can ring HR tomorrow. I assume it would be HR?

I've just found some information from my employer. Yes to counselling services - but it just talks about work related stress! And doesn't mention partners.

My exH accessed his employer's counselling service when we seperated. And that had nothing to do with work related stress.

They might advertise it as a service to deal with work related stress, but really, it exists to act as a support service for employees in order to reduce sickness absence. So it might be worth you contacting them for you to have your own support.

You don't go into details, but if he is under 25, I'm guessing you are too. And I know that when I was that age, I would have felt I should stick by someone if I loved them.

But nowadays, I think that if I had problems with a partner that necessitated them moving out; them seeking individual counselling; then us seeking joint counselling, I'd be more inclined to seek counselling for myself to enable myself to feel strong enough to go it alone.

You only get one life and there seem to be a lot of people (me included) who put up with far too much for far too long.

And don't not apply for tax credits because "we all know what they are like". Yes we do, for some of us they make a huge amount of difference. If you're entitled to them, claim them.

Hi there OP,
I just wanted to say that it's still worth your partner going to the GP and asking for a referral for counselling. If Relate charge even with GP referral it means they don't get NHS funding for their treatments. But, there should be psychological therapy/counselling that is NHS funded that your partner can access - probably provided by another organisation. In my area both counselling and CBT are funded, although there are waiting lists for both. It does really vary from area to area so if you ask your GP there may be something out there. Fingers crossed this is the case - good luck.

Gosh, I know plenty of people referred to six counselling sessions by gp, they are free. That's outrageous! I know, however, that it is not relate.

Perhaps if there was more information about the 'ongoing situation' and personal issues that have caused him to live outside your home it would provide some context? What is the problem that you believe counselling can resolve?

Don't bother going to relate for his sessions, they are often pretty poorly trained. Go to the GP and see if there are any other services offering low cost counselling in the area. If the issue is causing depression/anxiety symptoms he may be entitled to some free sessions but it's likely to be CBT which is only good for some problems, relationships not being one of them.

NHS here too. 6 sessions of counselling/ year free according to our policy a partner can attend too. You can self refer through occupational health.

Some nhs trusts haven couples counselling. Although I've only heard about it in 2 areas. I can't get it in mine but I could if lived in the next town 7 miles away

On the Relate website you can do a free online chat with one of their councillors (I don't know if you are allowed to do it more than once, but hey, how are they to know if you are clever). Sessions are 25 minutes and free. Not the same, but might help?

OP, quite a lot depends on what the issues are. If the problem is that this man has been abusing you especially if there has been psychological abuse and dishonesty, then it's quite likely that he doesn't actually want to go to counselling and is, to be blunt, lying about the cost of it.

Also, as other people have said, a cheaper option might just be to dump him and move on. You don't have to support a partner through years of therapy just because, well, women are supposed to keep on loving Their Man no mattre what.

Do you have any youth centres in your town/city? We have a youth centre here for 12-25 year olds and I work there as a counsellor. Sessions are free, upto 12 sessions for an over 18 with potential to extend if necessary.

I'd rather not discuss the actual issues in public (there are some recent ones which have caused things to come to a head).

However to answer some questions, I'm not younger than 25, I'm a few years older than him.

The reasons why he wants to access counselling as an individual are surrounding how to cope with stressful situations, currently he will not talk about problems, until they fizzle over and he ends up running away from them.

It's hard to explain really with out going in to too much detail. There are a few other things - none of them I find particularly an issue, but clearly he does. I do find the bottling up, exploding, then running away from the problem an issue though

Relationship wise, I think we would benefit from counselling in order to communicate better, and to learn how to stop rows escalating. We are both very stubborn people, and this causes problems. Plus we need to talk through the recent issues in order to get past them.

He isn't abusive. He isn't (or hasn't been) unfaithful.

Nomore, we do have a youth centre, but there doesn't seem to be anything on offer. It also states it only includes 19-25 year olds if they have additional needs or disability. So that wouldn't be an option even if they did have something available.

I forgot to add, he is going to see the GP to ask about referring for free counselling. I have found that he should be able to access it, but it doesn't seem clear if it is only if you have MH problems, which he doesn't.

I was going to suggest a youth centre or a children's centre. If you have DC under 5 then you can access services through them, which should include counselling.

My doctor couldn't refer me for any free counselling, but I later found out that there was free counselling that I could access for depression and anxiety. It may be worth looking into these things.

Looks like he has something sorted :)

Private counselling for £15 a session (reduced rate due to low income).

Brilliant :)

Starting on Monday. Am very relieved.