Help me stop this from affecting my sleep / general calmness...

[FamilyFirstAlways]

Ok so twin DDs (primary sch age), I have been separated from DH for over a year. He has a new gf - which is great for the kids as he, I hope, will be more measured when she is around and will try to impress her with his 'father of the year' act. Happy kids, happy me.

But I have a massive issue that I can't seem to talk myself out of. He is a compulsive liar, and will say anything to make himself look good. Our marriage was a sham, all lies. He spent years slagging off others, any small detail would be enough to slate them. This included his family...

And affairs. Contacts with escorts. Passive aggressive behaviour, profiles on websites....I could go on. He is unpleasant. Anyhow, not an issue now as we are a very happy unit of 3. We have all thrived since the split.

But I can't stop thinking about all the Lies he is filling her head with. It consumes me, the unfairness of it all. I imagine what he is saying, and what I am saying to her to try to put my POV across. How can I calm myself with this? I know I shouldn't care. I know I know I know but I do!!! I can hear his voice. It angers me. I am usually so calm and positive.

Any words of wisdom I can think to myself at 11pm?

I totally hear you OP. I separated from my abusive STBXH 18 months ago and he has been seeing someone for 6 months who has now met our DC ( twins here too) and I found this very hard to deal with initially, it just seems so unfair.

The things that have helped me is talking to my rl friends (and at times like this you really find out who your friends are!), counselling but most of all remembering why I split up with him. It sounds like your ex wont change and she will see his true colours in time I'm sure. I doubt my ex has told his new gf about his abusive behaviour towards me!! He won't even admit it to himself!

Words my best friends husband said recently have stuck with me - 'It's hard for you to deal with now but in the long run I know things will be better for you - you have done the right thing for you and your DC - focus on yourself and them and let him get on with it'

Thank you Wishyouwould. Wise words!

I don't envy her at all. I feel a bit meh because I don't think he deserves her. I feel a bit sorry for all the shit she will have to deal with too. Like I want to warn her, help her, let her know I'm here for her!!

I don't expect him to disclose his sordid behaviour, but for him to be fair in his description of me as a good mum, who tried to find and encourage the good in him, etc etc. But then I know he is Not A Nice Person, so why do I expect him to?!

I wish I didn't care what others thought of me, but I do....

OP you sound very similar to me. I know it's easy for people to tell you not to care what other people think of you but I know I've have sleepless nights over it too! But the sleepless nights and worry won't change a thing apart from make you feel crap!

People will just think you are jealous if you speak to her - she is a grown woman who will make her own decisions. I know my ex has bad mouthed me to friends but they have told me it just makes him sound bitter and nasty - please maintain a dignified silence - I know it's hard but you need to get to a point where you feel total indifference towards him (I'm nearly there!) and to be civil for the sake of your DC.

I do feel for you because I know exactly where you're coming from

Thank you - again. I know it could be so much worse. At least I don't have feelings for him. In fact it makes me cringe! I know I'll never say anything to her (except in my head!).

Indifference, aloofness, moral high ground..... Repeat to self!

How you feeling today OP? I just wanted to add that the only contact I now have with ex is via text - no face to face and that has helped - do you have to see him at swap over?