Where to start... angry dad in chronic pain - me walking on eggshells, sorry long post

[chcha5520]

I have been with my partner for nearly 20 years. We have a darling 3 year old - she was long waited for and very much loved. DP has chronic back pain and other health problems - has had now for 10 years. He hasn't worked full time since 2007.
After my mat leave DP took on the majority of the child care with him Mon, Tues, nursery 1/2 day weds thurs and I look after her fridays. It isnt what either of us would have planned but life led us this way. I am the breadwinner.

He is extremely angry most of the time, unable to deal with stress - and there is a lot of stress (we are currently going through tricky house sale and purchase, his mum is really ill with lung cancer and all this on top of the day to day stress chronic pain and a career ended causes). I spend a lot of time walking on eggshells, I never complain about things - he takes his stress out on me either with shouting, angry slamming of doors or not speaking to me for days (usually only ends when I beg forgiveness for whatever I have 'done') DD is becoming more and more a mummys girl. She wont let him get her up in the mornings, she says she doesn't want him to come out at weekends. This makes him more angry. Heres todays situation - Today I am off work ill, I opened the bedroom window to let air in whilst he and DD were out. They came back. I didnt close window, he worries that she will fall out of the window, we are in the room and I am trying to explain to DD that telling daddy she doesnt want daddy to come out with us is mean - whilst she is trying to give him a cuddle to say sorry he notices the window and starts screaming at me in front of her. He looks scary to me when he does this - and she is seeing this. I say 'stop noticing the things I dont do right when I am constantly doing all sorts to help you' and that is like red rag to the bull. I start to leave and he shouts that I am disgusting that I would not take the safety of our child seriously and that accusing him of looking for things to be stressed about was disgusting in his circumstances... All in front of DD. He has gone out with DD now in a rage - and I am getting texts telling me how I cant be trusted and I dont listen to him, on and on - I dont want to spar with him by text - there are so many things I could question him on on a daily basis but i dont. For instance how much damage his aggressive outburst cause his relationship with DD. I tried to make a show and say sorry to him in front of DD and asked to resolve this (if for no other reason than to show DD that its all ok) but he told me not to come near him and made me leave the room, slamming the door behind me).

I just dont know what to do about this anymore - sucking it up is not a good example to daughter, walking on eggshells is not a good feeling and I see her doing it already. If I try to put my case forward I will be trumped by 'Im in constant pain, you haev no idea how that feels', 'you are making my life worse when my mum is so poorly'.... Help :(

He likes using emotional blackmail on you as well to keep you within this. He enjoys the power and control too that he has over you.

You need to plan your exit from this abusive relationship because your DD is already being profoundly affected by what is happening at home. She and you deserve a happier life than this pitiful existence at the hands of a tyrant.

"Walking on eggshells" as well is code to my mind for "living in fear".

You may well be really fearful of him but fear cannot and must not keep you within this any longer. Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 can and will help you leave him. There is really no other option for you now going forward.

You need to leave him. Your dd does not need to grow up with someone who is angry all the time, or learning that women walk on eggshells all the time and accept getting screamed at.

Chronic pain isn't a reason for behaving like this - I'm in severe, constant, pain and yes, sometimes it makes me more snippy than I'd like. But I'm aware of this, apologise, and look for ways to manage it better

i'm in fairly constant pain, can't move independently from chair to wheelchair, depend on dp for most things. Kind of similar. Our relationship suffers but not to the extent of abuse, which is what you describe.

I'm in tears - I feared the response would be like this, I am really grateful for your help. Just reading words like abusive relationship really hit home. The trouble is I am so used to the cycle.

He has never physically touched me but he does hit walls, doors etc and it makes me scared for him. I have asked him to get counseling before but he wont. He says its me with the problems. I have had counseling on many occasions, he will never come with me. I feel sorry for him - I weep for him when I think of how his health has been affected.

My family dont live nearby so I dont have any childcare help, his family have other things on at the moment and were no help before anyway.

Im now getting constant texts explaining how much extra stress I am adding to his life by 'not taking his stance seriously and makin ghim feel like he matters'. :(
I would rather be ill at work than here with this.

I think you need to think seriously (and act) about removing you and your child from this place of fear- he sound scary, I feel scared just reading about him and I'm not a small child.

I'm sorry he's ill but when I was in constant pain I didn't abuse my family members. All the things he is doing are not about his pain, they are about controlling you by making you too scared to speak out and to challenge him. Your dd must be really scared of him too, and that's now manifesting in her not wanting to be with her dad, which is also now scaring you further as you know this will anger him.

You do not have to put up with punched walls, silences lasting days, verbal aggression and being scared in your own home- you have had good advice in the previous posts.

I was shuddering when I read your OP - that's a truly dreadful situation for you and your dear daughter. I agree - you have to leave him. Sad about his chronic pain, his family problems, but your sense of self preservation, and the preservation of your daughter's well being, have to be paramount. I so hope you get away from this ghastly abuse.

I wouldn't announce you are going to him though, I would get advice and clear your browsing history and go from there.

I have a severe and permanent spinal condition and have constant pain. I virtually never get angry with my DH or anyone other than the disability benefits system . It would be mean of me when my family do so much. I don't punch walls, I don't look for ways to start a row.

I'm short, I'm nice. Most of the time, and then I'm grumpy, not angry.

So.is he depressed? Is his pain well managed? Was he always a miserable arse?

If I behaved like that my DH would leave me and I would deserve it. So cards on the table. Enough bloody eggshells. Pain is not an excuse for crappy behaviour. Period.

Good luck.

He hitting doors, walls etc are all classed as domestic violence behaviours. Well if he can hit doors and walls, what about his back and other health problems?.

He may have ill heath but that does not give him carte blanche to act abusively to any other person within the home. The only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is NONE. Yes, none. You cannot rely on his family either; they are probably very similar to him in nature and they will not want to help you.

Joint counselling is never recommended in abusive situations like yours and this is very bad not just for you but for your DD as well.

You can break this cycle but you need to break free of him in order to do that. Womens Aid can and will help you leave this person. You and your DD need and deserve a better life for yourselves because your DD as an adult otherwise could well end up in an abusive relationship herself.

Thanks all. He's back and has gone to have a bath in silence.

I know, my mum has lived with pain her whole life - and apart from rare occasions of not being fully present no one would really notice.

He tried all sorts of pain management (all arranged, discovered by me) some time ago - nothing really worked, so he 'lives with it'. I cant offer advise or suggestions on the matter. Yes I expect he has been depressed a long time, he was prescribed anti depressants years ago (at the same time as trying solutions above) but he weaned himself off them some time later. He hasnt always been a miserable arse, but his mum (who is dying) is a glass half full person and I am seeing more and more of her in him. A lot of things she does which annoy him he does himself. I cant work around him, keep the roof over our head and take care of our DD like this. I dont complain about work because his reaction will be 'at least you can work'.

Have just realised I cant remember him EVER saying - actually I shouldn't have said/done/acted that way, sorry. I just cant remember him ever
taking a portion of responsibility for any argument.

I will start looking into what our options are, but so so sad that we are in this situation and feeling really responsibility :(

In his case its probably a case of like mother, like son.

He may well live with pain but he is using that to abuse you. Also he has not really accepted any real responsibility for his health either; in his state he likely should not be hitting doors, walls etc but he does and likely does that too in order to keep you in line. He sees you as nothing more than a domestic appliance.

Such people as well never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

May I ask how old you are now?. You do not want to spend another 20 minutes in the situation you are now in, let alone the next 20 years. Do not waste any more of your life with him.

I'm ashamed to say I am 40 - I should know better, I can only say that you dont necessarily get wiser the older you are. I spend my working week making sensible, important decisions but appear to be unable to do that at home :( We met at Uni and have been together since.

I have cornered myself into this position and now its really hard to unpick it...

I really want hm to recognise how much I do to keep us all going day to day, how much I put up with - that other people just wouldn't put up with - but I guess he isn't going to see that until I am n longer doing it. It makes me so angry that he thinks I am trying to make his life difficult.

Thanks for all the words of advice - however hard they are to read.

It's not just abuse to you, it's abuse to your daughter too, as I bet she's really scared when he goes off on one. In his eyes, your place is in the wrong, and nothing you could ever do in this lifetime will change that. Do yourself and your daughter a favour and get out of there as soon as you can.

First things first. Can you tell a good friend? You need a RL support. Get your important docs together. Contact a solicitor. Contact women's aid. Set up your own bank account. Set up private email different to one he has. Possibly buy a pay as you go phone to give to new contacts. That way you will be able to move everyone helpful to the new phone and keep anyone not helpful on the old one so if it goes sour you can at least switch the thing off!

I'm so sorry. But getting practical might help you cope.

I will be kinder that other posters and says that the situation he is in is very hard to live with.
And the fact he can't work anymore as it is probably adding some degree if loneliness on the top if the pain and feeling inadequate.

However if these are at the origin if his anger, he is still the one who should be handling his anger better.
Pain and disability aren't a valid reason to be so angry and to take it on people around you.
I will be kind and say that he should start with some anger management course and go back to see his GP for ADs. It's not unusual for people who are in pain to have this very anger type of depression (and yes I am aware nit all them do).

However he does need to do something about it as this situation isn't sustainable, neither for you or your dd.
you are the one holding all the cards and IMO it's up to him now to do something about it. Counselling, anger management, ADs, whatever but he first need to sort himself out.

The one thing I would do before talking about separation is to go and see a solicitor and check what is the likely outcome re your dd. who will be considered as the primary carer? Who is she going to live with? Is there a possibility that she will stay at her dads for the week and you would have to pay maintenance for her?
I would really check the legal side before hand.

Firstly things first, you need to get your DD away from him. The fact that she has become so clingy to you would indicate that he is like this with her as well.

So get her into a nursery/day care on every day you work.

Apart from anything else you really don't want to risk someone like this getting custody of your DD. So make sure she is somewhere that covers your hour of working, and then you have a better chance of having legal custody of her.

Put a call into his GP, tell him about your DH's temper and aggression. It needs to be flagged. They may not be able to do anything about it unless he goes in, but at some point I assume he will have to for more medication?

Oh gosh it didnt even occur to me that he might gain custody in a break up because he is main carer:(

I suppose the fact neither of us wanted it that way around would matter in the event. Or the fact that he wouldnt be able to cope. I will struggle to pay 4 days full time childcare at least until she gets 15 hours free in sept.

What a mess.

He isnt on amy meds, nothing works amd despite my suggesting things change he doesnt go to the drs anymore. He doesnt want to be disappointed again...

Im getting silent treatment with added banging doors. He'll be waiting for me to beg forgiveness because he knows it drives me insane and he can keep it up for days.

And we r in the middle of a new house purchase, olin joint names based on my earnings.

Do you really think a house move the best thing to do atm?

And tbh I would leave him alone if he doesn't want to talk to you. That's his loss not yours, esp seeing the way hectares to you...

And yes I would think his disability will have an impact re looking after your dd.
I would also say that his behaviour should have an impact too. If you leave because he is abusive, what would happen to your dd if he was to get her most of the time?
But that's why it's worth asking so that you can take the time to get all the things you need before going ahead.

chcha
none of this is your fault
don't feel guilty

STOP the house purchase asap. That will be one less complicated and expensive thing to unpick when you break free of this abusive prick.

You can't predict how he will behave if you decide to leave him. He might be amicable about it, or he might set out to hurt you as badly as he can - and what better way than through your child.

Look at all avenues for childcare. Perhaps a CM? An Au pair wouldn't be feasible with him behaving like this, but might if you are no longer living with him.

See if you can afford it temporarily, just to set the pattern.

Who knows, not looking after your DD might even help him......

Can you continue to hold out against the silent treatment? Please do, if you can - and certainly don't 'beg forgiveness' - things need to change in Casa Chcha and that would be a very good place to start.

My DH is in constant pain and has been for the past 20 years. He is also in a very stressful and unsupportive working environment.

When he began to show behaviour considerably less bad than your DH's, I pulled him up on it and he worked very hard to change. When he started showing signs of depression following the death of his DM, I pointed this out to him and he got help. That is what a decent person does. No slamming doors, shouting, silent treatment - just him working hard to get better and make our family life better. You deserve that too.

Yes, do get your childcare fully covered so that you reduce the potential custody issues, but also start making long-term plans to get out.

oh babe its going to get worse till it gets better- see my thread (has SAHD in title)- ur not alone. I am 40 too

But from the outside looking in there is a level of gravity as it sounds like your DD cant stand him to be honest- thats extremely worrying

please dont worry about this custody issue cpos he is carer, every working mum gets hamered with that-

same as me, go see a soliciter

its so easy to advise when its not you isn't it

FWIW, my best friend has cancer and is in chronic pain. we are talking morphine. My dad has also dealth with chronic pain for most of his adult life. neither of them act like cunts

Its the guilt ---please do PM me if you want to chat