so what to do when relationship irretreviably broken down and he is SAHP????

[fromparistoberlin73]

and he has no money, and has given up work for 4 years. and is, I think, depressed and deeply unhappy, and smokes shit loads of weed

same as what happens to many women on here? (bar the weed)

I am just fed up and fucking miserable.
Years and years of arguments.
Years of not being able to plan and look forward to stuff as everything gets ruined.
Ruined Xmases, ruined holidays, ruined family weddings.
Cant plan for anything as we never talk.
never do family stuff.
I take over all childcare and domestics evenings and weekends.
Anger, shouting, resentment.
Years of doing stuff on my own every weekend like a single mum.
years of resentment when I do my own stuff.

But what to do? we are not married. I cant kick him on the street and I cant afford full time childcare. Plus according to some posts he might get the house and kids as sole carer.

where to start? I dont even.know where to start but I cant live in this permanently angry misery.

He will blame me for ruining his life I know it

The first thing: you would prevent him having residency I the children and the house by getting on record that he is a cannabis user when 'looking after' the children.

Obviously there is much more to sort, by right now, get EVIDENCE of his drug use and keep it somewhere safe.

He is not the sole carer. You just said you do all evenings and weekends. Would he actually want residency of the children?

It would be quite hard to argue that he wasn't fit to look after the kids if they separate if OP is happy (or at least willing) for him to do so when they are together.

OP if you are worried about him looking after the kids then act on it. If actually he is safe to do so then yes he may get shared custody. If it is your house (owned) then yes you can kick him out. If you are renting in your name yes you can kick him out. If it is a joint mortgage/tenancy then you may need to sell/take your name off and find somewhere else to live.

I have NO worries about him with kids. I worry more that the cannabis makes him angry, irrational, and ultimately depressed

I dont know, I know what I need to do. I know it wont get better. I know I need to see a lawyer but I can guarantee its going to be fucking awful and messy.

and yes, I could take some sneaky photos- fight fire with fire

I am just scared I will find myself a single, lonely Mum aged 40- with even more stress and dealing with his anger

no option is appealing

thanks

I think any option but him is appealing!

He's obviously addicted to this stuff and long term use does lead to the behaviours you have described.

Besides his using you seem utterly miserable. Come on girl what are you waiting for. You've only got one life don't waste it on him.

Childcare tax credits will pay a proportion of your childcare costs and tax credits can top up your earnings.

If you don't make changes. Nothing will change. (My motto) keep it in mind!

First things first.Shit hot legal advice.Phone round all local firms and take them up on their free half hour service.

quitelikely, that made me cry. Its true

time to see a lawyer, enough

i am so miserbale and scared

Document the cannabis use just in case. But is it worth trying an ultimatum? Giving him 3 months to get himself clean and see if it helps with his depression? Maybe being a SAHP isn't for him and he needs to start workinG again? Some people aren't cut out for it and it can be very isolating. I think men struggle particulary with making SAHP friends

Sorry, but you think his weed habit makes him angry, irrational and depressed and yet he is main carer? When does he look after your dc - are they pre-school age? If so your no. 1 priority should be to find them better childcare.

OP I think you need to read this back to yourself:

"I have NO worries about him with kids. I worry more that the cannabis makes him angry, irrational, and ultimately depressed"

How can you not be worried about leaving the DC with him when by your own admission he is angry and irrational, and is full of shouting, anger and resentment? I mean this gently, but do you think you have been a bit conditioned to accept the way things are because it has just seemed so impossible to change him/the situation?

Please do get legal advice as this will hopefully empower you and help you see a way forward for a new life where you are not "miserable and scared." It's no way to live is it? I am sure that you and your DC deserve better.

you are all right, and I appreciate peoples frankness

I know every woman says this- but he is a good father, and son in law. he is just a cxxt to me

But yes I am conditioned to accpeting this toxicity, and SCARED

what it its our of the frying pan into the fire?

I am scared
I will be lonely.
Kids willl miss him
I will have major money, and childcare stress
I will miss them (if we sharecustody)
he wont cooperate, and make life hell
I will be a shit single mum and never meet another man again

this fear paralyses me

Hi op. I had this fear too. My now ex h still smokes weed and is still flakey. I have met other potential partners since split but am holding back on whether I want a relationship...amazing as while I was still stuck, I feared too that I would be single forever! One way or the other you will sort child care and if you are entitled to tax credits then you might find you are not struggling as much as you thought.
Those erratic moods from cannabis don't go, and they become more confusing to children as they grow. My advice..be strong. Put your foot down and draw a line. If he gets a hefty wake up call, looks at himself and makes long sustained changes, great. Unlikely though, if he really makes you feel that bad...in the end, I wanted my dc to see the example I set and not the life that their dad dragged around in.
Totally understand the paralysed by fear, but once you take a few steps you will gather momentum.
Good luck with whatever you choose x

My ex was SAHD too. He was a nasty angry disrespectful wanker so the short story is I finished it. The big fears I had, which you echo above, were all unfounded once I plucked up the courage to end it. I work 4 days a week, no family around here. So, I arranged the best child care I could, and carried on.

You know what? All that horrible resentment, that walking on eggshells, that worrying about the effect on the children, all of it melted away almost immediately.

You're right, you're conditioned in a way. It's a habit.

Make one or two small first moves towards change. Go and see that solicitor.

Start getting the power back, you won't know yourself. You are not responsible for the mess he may or may not make of his life.

My ex doesn't cooperate, he is an entitled arse, still at his very own pity party some 7 or 8 months later. Cut him out of the equation. If he's going to be a good dad he will sort it. If not, frankly, your children deserve better, and so do you.

You will not not not be a shit single mum.

Feel your power return.

The logistics of a split when you are not married will come down to who owns what, and the best interests of the children.

Right now he is a SAHD, and it will be easier for him to demonstrate 5 days sole care plus present the rest of the time than it would be for you to show inadequacy in that role (as you have been happy for that pattern to continue for some time). He could be awarded custody on that basis and you would have to pay child maintenance.

If you do not want that to happen, you need to change the status quo.

But get legal advice on how it would look to a court now. And what would happen to you current home. Owned or rented? Joint of a single name?

i think if he has a serious weed habit then he isn't fit to take care of your children. obviously you shouldn't stay with him, you don't want to, but you do need to ensure that your children don't wind up in his sole care without even the minor check of your disapproval. document it, make sure his habit is factored into the official process.

thanks everyone, and dippy and peppermint- I am so pleased for you

I will see a soliciter

This is paralysing my life, and its affecting relationships as I find it hard to discuss with my friends, so I simple avoid them, and the topic! Its humiliating

Curious dippy and pepper how long did it take for you wake up and smell the coffee? This misery has been ongoing for bloody YEARS

Oh, well, I think it probably took me two years to get to the point where I was ready to tell him to leave, and really mean it. We were together on and off for 13 years, fairly constant and seemingly ok in the last 8. But I was kidding myself of course. They aren't bastards all the time, or you'd do something sooner, and when the children come along things seem more complicated.

Also, if you're a decent, normal sort of person, you think to yourself (at least I did), "come on, we can sort this out, we mustn't chuck this away", and on it goes.

I cannot express fully on here how much happier I am, how much more at peace the children and I are, even though he's still being a pain in my life from time to time. Take him out of the equation and you will be amazed-at your strength, at your children's adaptability.

thanks pepper

I have drawn alot of strength from this thread and read alot of others this week. I hate to say it but there are ALOT of abusive entitled men out there. He & DC will be away for much of the summer which will give me some well needed head space

I am in a strong position and in general am in a good place, work is good, kids are GREAT- so I need to stay resilient and happy

Unfortunately I do not see is getting to old bones together-

thanks again, have read everyones comments