Everything we will lose due to separation/divorce

[justfoundout2014]

So, if h's departure is for good:

• no way for him to carry on the daily activities he does with ds1 (sports, music, chess) while having any kind of quality interaction with dd. Has been easy due to his status as sahd - so much time.

-world-cup about to start - ds so excited, now no dad to share it with. whatever they do, won't be the same as if we all lived together, and if they spend contact time on that, what fun for dd who couldn't give a stuff about football.

• half my monthly income gone on before and after school clubs. That is if he keeps to his word about not wanting what he's legally entitled to. Otherwise will be the loss of family home. In any case, no holidays/treats/minimal birthdays etc into the foreseeable future.

• no family holiday,Christmas etc

• me spending every hour working (stressful job), doing housework, running the home with no back-up whatsoever.

How is this an improvement? How is it conceivable?

Sorry, won't be half income on clubs - will be half when added to mortgage. So like my mortgage has doubled.

Why is he leaving?

I know that your ex doesn't currently have a job but when he does he will have to contribute to you in regards to child maintaince and surely contact time can be arrange to help you as well.

Did he come home on sunday in the end or did you manage to put him off?

You seemed very worried about all these changes but don't let fear of change hold you back.

To be devils advocate if he is SAHD would the children not remain with him? However, you we would need to pay maintenance.
I not saying this is what would happen, but he has been the primary carer.

Don't forget what he has done to your marriage he was the one who had an affair and had sex with another woman while your children were downstairs on their own, please don't let your fear dictate your future.

He came but will leave tonight after we speak to the dc and they are in bed. I know what he has done. Doesn't make this any easier. I don't know why he can't put the dc first. Keeps saying they don't want to grow up in an unhappy marriage. I know that, but we haven't tried. Do they want to grow up being poor? Never having what others have. Never having time with their parents together. We have had so many happy family times. Now it will be stressed mum and dad who's not there to do the day-to-day stuff he's done for 7 years.

Sorry to hear but sounds like your marriage is dead in the water. You can still co parent, you need to now find out what benefits you will be entitled to. It's pretty normal and acceptable nowadays for couples to split, if you want it to work out for your kids, you make it.

I think you are focusing too much on material things.

Children want happy environments, not holidays, or activities.
They can still share stuff with their dad, particularly if he is not at work. Presumable he can still spend lots of time with them.
Only, it won't be with the parents together.
They will adapt.

He's mowing the lawn, catching up on jobs before he goes. This is a nightmare.

Just found out

I don't know your back story bit I am sorry to hear about the situation you our I through no fault of your own.

I too found myself in a similar situation 4 years ago and apart from the horror of it all - also went through a similar and sad thought process about what the DCs would miss out on. I know it's easier for me to say this 4 years on where everything is a whole lot better but please don't try and cling to what you thought was going to happen and compare your situation to others ( as there lives will always seem better even though they are not) You have to let go at some point and make the best if what you have got. Try and focus on making your situation work as best you can.

Yes after school clubs/holidays/non stressed parents and their time with parents are all good...but not as important as them being loved .

My DCs have missed out on my time and other things that other people do but I have always tried to make up for the lack of financials or time with making what we do have count.

4 years on and my financial situation is a little better so I have dropped some hours from work and have more time with them. They also have a great relationship with my ex .

Your situation won't always look like it does now although it's very natural to look ahead and see a huge sea of loss-I sent many emails to my ex who had left telling him all the things that you have in your post ...but the reality is that even if my DCs had had all if those things...it wouldn't have continued to be a happy marriage ( he refused to try too)so ultimately we wouldn't have been a happy family anyway .

I hope things work out for you

I'm surprised you say you had happy family times when in your last threads you said that you and your DH have not been happy together or communicating for several years. Is that what you want to continue?

Why won't your DH be able to help out with the children? Why won't he be able to contribute? Why won't DS be able to watch the world cup with him? Why will you be so much poorer than you are now?

I know you are hurting but it won't be as bad as what you have now.

He's not a good husband. You can't make him 'try' if he doesn't want to.

If you are that worried about material things, can I remind you that in a couple of years, his OW will probably come chasing him for money/contact with his child. How would you feel having to support that family too?

"How is this an improvement? How is it conceivable?"

There are no great choices from this point, sadly. Stay or split, everything has risks and downsides attached and it's a question of working out which is the least worst option. Split and you'll work out things like holidays and sharing activities. Stay and the family unit may still be together and the finances may be a little better but at what price to your peace of mind?

I know you think you want him to stay but when that happens its often only a matter of time before your relief turns to anger and despair then hatred. There are plenty stories on here of women who have persuaded the cheater to stay and the future is far from rosy.

You are grieving at the moment for what you had and that process will take some time.

Have you thought about tax credits/childcare tax credits. You can reduce your hours and they top up your income. You will get a discount on your council tax.

You will also love again in the future. When one door closes another opens. He really doesn't deserve you. You deserve better.

Thank you. I know I am coming across as bitter, self-pitying and ridiculously negative. I will try and be more positive, it's just so hard today.

It is hard and I have had all
The same thoughts and issues you describe. In my case, life with him would have had other difficult issues. Cheating, disrespect, verbal and emotional abuse, negativity. I was caught between a rock and a hard place. Life was gonna be pretty hard either way I went.

For me, I took a deep breath, dug deep and "felt the fear and did it anyway". Bit different to you maybe as it was me who finally had enough. All I can tell you I'd once you decide to accept the path you're on, it starts to get slightly easier. Be kind to yourself.

You have a lot to be very proud of, you know. You come across as very loving, very hard-working, a loving mother and a forgiving (unfortunately!) partner. It will be ok. The kids will be fine and, very soon, you might actually start to enjoy life again...

Me and DD are considerably poorer than we were than when we lived with her father and it f**king sucks that DD has only minimal contact with her father and even then its through a contact centre. Sure there were good times but by the time It was over, they were in the past and unlikely to return. We lost our home, I gained a lot of debt and DD received/s no maintenance, DD moved schools and there was a lot of uncertainty. Yes, we are finacially poorer but we are also richer because the freedom, honesty and integrity I and DD gained from not living with that man, have a much higher value than the financial loss we incurred.

You're grieving for something, that unfortunately had long gone and it is totally normal to focus on the potencial losses and difficult to imagine the probable gains. Grief is a process and you've just started, take care.

oh no you are not coming across as self pitying at all.

I had a very similar situation, i couldn't comprehend how my ex could do all of this to our children and our family!!

3 and a bit years down the line its interesting how things have worked out. we both have our own homes, not as big and swanky as the former marital home but nice houses all of same, and best of all they are happy homes, sadly something the marital home wasn't.

i am much more involved in my kids life and thats a good thing.

i have worked hard to build up a great social life (and have time to enjoy it as we co parent)

my ex and i work tirelessly to get along and do the best for our kids. This has been a massive help.

There have been downsides of course, missing out on family occasions and such like as a unit, we don't have quite as much money each as we are both running our own houses, but we are by no means hard up, the kids have taken this on the chin,
'dad can we go disney world florida?
'no chance, we can't afford it'
'ok, can we go to euro disney then?'
'probably'
'cool'

its hardly a deprived childhood

I guess i'm trying to say that things do work out and the result will not be as bleak as you see it right now. Like me, and many others you are in a situation not of your own choosing (and i was bloody furious and sad about that) But these are the cards you have been dealt, how you play em is up to you! chin up.x

The childcare element of your tax credits will cover most of the holiday childcare (depending on your income), and you can get maintenance from him. Housework wise, if you can, get a cleaner for a couple of hours a week. It will make a huge difference (I'm a single parent, if I could afford it I would. I have bills to clear first and I need to declutter badly but it's on the list).

Children are resilient. You're doing the best you can so try not to worry. Take things one day at a time

Oh, don't forget to tell your council. Your council tax will be cheaper as you'll be eligible for the single persons discount. I know it's depressing but it helps.

I don't think you're self-pitying. Sounds like you've made a very rational assessment of everything that, on the face of it, will be worse and there are some important things in the mix. Short-term it's going to be difficult and require a lot of adjustment. That's not bitterness or negativity exactly, just the harsh reality. However, there will be some positive things that you haven't anticipated. Could take some time to realise but they will be there.

It is still very early days and this is "just" the part of the process you are going through today. One way of looking at things, among many (in this case, "what do we stand to lose", a perfectly valid question, which can lead on to "what do we want to keep" and "what could we do without" etc)

I found that quite often, tomorrow literally was another day - it would usually be some other aspect that was to the fore.

Waiting for the dc to finish tea so we can tell them. ffs . How can anyone not try anything and everything before it comes to this? Want to text OW and say her dc aren't going through this shit, are they? But I know that would be a really bad idea.

Nah, i'd text her. tell her that their actions have just ripped your children's lives apart. That you will never forgive or forget and she should be utterly and completely ashamed. Its the truth why shouldn't she know it. Oh tell your hubby too.
They'll write you off as a nutter, but they are going to do that whatever happens but who cares. They want to build this alternative reality world but injecting a little bit of your reality isn't going to kill them.

I was far far far to gentle with my xw and the other man. Its my one regret. (Pathetically i was nice to them in the hope that she would see what a nice guy i was and come back to me!! Oh FFS!!!) Suffice to say they both know how i feel about their behaviour now, if i could go back i would absolutely make sure that they knew at the time. You have absolutely no obligation to spare their feelings if you don't want to.

Really, don't bother with the OW. It was your husband who lead her up to your bedroom and failed to put on a condom for 18 months, while you were providing for your family, right?

I can't help but think splitting up is the right thing for you. I know it hurts but what he did is not the actions of a man who loves or respects you in any way. Let him go.