how to get help from a narcissist

[fleetfoot]

I’m really starting to struggle. 18month old DD still sleeps badly and is very intense during the day. I’ve worked 4-days a week since she was 6 months. Demanding job. DD goes partly to nursery and partly to grandparents, then 3 days with us (well, me).

I’m physically wiped out. Little sleep, breastfeeding still, and both always run down with nursery bugs. And I’m starting to crack.

DH has always been a fairly useless parent. If he’s not at work, he’s on his phone or getting himself a snack. He’s somewhat narcissistic. We used to ‘joke’ the ONLY thing he gave to our family life was taking the stiff lids off baby beakers when asked…

DD loves being with me and with grandparents. But not wild about her dad i.e. pushes him away, still screams the only time they’re together without me, when I shower in the morning.

So the default is that I do everything day & night because DD is happy this way, very unhappy otherwise. But I just can’t keep going!

DH thinks it’s my fault for getting us into this situation. (?) But he has finally (I shouted ) got the point we need to make changes soon. But doesn’t know how... Any advice?

I'd suggest you locate an old friend in a distant city, arrange to spend a long weekend with them and leave DH and DD home alone to get acquainted. She's presumably able to eat normal food and drink regular milk being 18 months? She may scream and shout for a bit but they'll both have to adapt if you're not there. Force the pace a little....

I second thar; get out of the house and leave them to it - it's the only way.

Agreed. I might also add that narcissists often (not always) react well to the critical sandwich ... You're such an organised/fun/caring/competent person, it's crazy that you don't know how to look after your own child, what would people make of that? I'm pretty sure you'll be brilliant over the weekend, then you'll be able to show everyone you're a great parent.

It's how I got XH1 enthusiastic about cooking