If your own mother doesn't love you, how can you even start to love yourself?

[StuckInADarkTunnel]

Have NC as I am boring even myself with numerous threads about my family!

I have been in therapy for the last few years due to extreme anxiety issues/OCD in which we discussed my family background at great length as my therapist believes that that is at the root of my problem. I have to re-parent myself and love myself apparently . My anxiety is severe in that everyday, in my tortured mind, I see my DC dying a horrible death, me causing an accident where I kill or maim someone, all kinds of terrible things happening and I am just so drained now. I can't keep on like this any longer. My life is totally ruined and I can't imagine ever being a 'normal' person.

I think I have known from a very early age that my mother did not love me. I used to be an extremely anxious child who tried so hard to please my mum as I was desperate for her to love me but she was just an abusive bitch (which I can see now as an adult) and did some terrible things to me including ignoring me being sexually abused. My father abandoned me when I was 4 so I only had her and my siblings who hated me too as my mother taught them to.

I have abused and wrecked my body by overeating, smoking and not taking care of myself. My feet are painful as the skin is cracked. I have cream but I can't bring myself to put it on. Same with my hands, they crack and bleed and I just leave them. I shower, wash my hair and wear clean clothes daily but it is as much as I can do to quickly put some lipstick on as the sight that greets me in the mirror is grotesque. I feel like I look like some bloated monster and I am horrified at myself.

You know that saying where somebody 'has a face only a mother could love'. Well I don't even have that. I am unlovable, lonely and isolated.

How can I overcome this? It is so hard.

Oh it is, isn't it. I don't have any simple answers. Something I read (somewhere) said that it helps to envisage you aged about five, and to give your love to that child, who deserves nothing but love. It's hard, but you could give it a go.

I know how difficult it is to stop the constant message that says: I wasn't loved therefore I'm unloveable. We may not ever stop it completely, but look at some pictures of yourself as a child and give that little person some love.

As well as therapy are you on any kind of medication? You sound very depressed from your description as well as anxious.

When the therapist says 'reparent yourself' (bit of an odd phrase) all I can think is how you'd relate to a small child. You know the kind of thing. Encouragement, praise, affection..... often out of proportion with reality. They draw a terrible squiggly thing with crayon but you make a big fuss about what a lovely picture it is and tell them how clever they are before you stick it in pride of place on the fridge. And they're so thrilled and confident they go off and do another one.

You currently do the opposite to that. If you were that child you'd have told yourself it was a horrible squiggle and crushed their happiness. I'd therefore suggest you deliberately change the words in your head. You're not grotesque.... you're beautiful. You're not a bloated monster... you're a terrific human being. You're not unlovable, lonely and isolated... you're a sociable person that just hasn't met enough people yet.

Yes, it's exaggerated and a kind of spin-doctor delusional approach but I think you have to consciously rewrite the narrative until you believe it.

I can relate OP. I am recently out of counselling after having a breakdown at the start of the year and the hell I was in is no place I ever ever want to be in again.

Like you , my childhood was at the root of my breakdown. I was also desperate to please and also had sexual abuse that was disbelieved and not dealt with correctly. There was also physical abuse towards my brother and I would try to protect him.

Now for the hard part. Learning to love yourself. Start looking in the mirror and instead of thinking negative , tell yourself you are beautiful. Tell yourself you deserve to be loved. Smile at yourself and stand up straight , shoulders back. Even if you feel stupid make it a part of your daily routine.

I smoke too and have recently put on weight. The only way to fix that is to do it myself. No one else is going to do it for me. Same as you. You have to take control of your own life. Seek advice on stopping smoking and look into ways of managing your weight. You have to find it in yourself to do this. Imagine how strong you would feel to stop smoking. Imagine how good you will feel with a figure you like.

As for your past. The only thing you can do now is limit the effect you allow it to have on your life. For me this ended up being exposing my abuser for all my family to see. Instead of carrying his abuse with me like a dirty little secret. I blew him out into the open and all hell broke loose. My family took his side and I cut contact with them. And slowly , I am better than I have been in years. I found the voice I didn't have as a vulnerable child.

It's an incredibly hard thing to do. To fully accept those that are meant to love you and always be there for you are the ones that have hurt you the most. But it's also the only way to come to terms with it and start to manage your past.

Focus on the now. What can you do today that will make you feel good about yourself. Buy yourself some flowers. Put on that make up and wear an outfit that makes you feel good. Paint your nails or tackle that particularly messy area of the house that has been bugging you.

We can't change what happened to us as children. We can change the impact it has on us at adults.

Read self help books. You can heal your life by Louise hay is good. Work on your self esteem by training your brain in new positive thought patterns by constantly reinforcing to yourself all the things that are great about you. Go for a long walk every day. Exercise is great for the soul as well as helping shift any excess weight you don't know. Take a camera with you and take photos of the things that make you happy on the way.

Your mother let you down. That is her issues not yours. There is nothing you did or didn't do. She was the one that wasn't good enough.

You also have dc. They love you. You are their whole world and you have a chance to be everything your mother wasn't. Play with them , talk to them. In their eyes your worth is priceless. They are all the family and love you need. x

I think I have known from a very early age that my mother did not love me. I used to be an extremely anxious child who tried so hard to please my mum as I was desperate for her to love me but she was just an abusive bitch (which I can see now as an adult) and did some terrible things

I could have written this....both my parents are shit parents. I took ages to even like myself. Im 44 and it is only really in the past two years that i can look in the mirror and say that i like who i am. (not what i look like but thats a different story)

For a long, long time, there were no mirrors in my house and i avoided reflective surfaces. I hated myself, becuase if my m+d and Siblings couldnt love me then maybe i was unlovable.

BUT i lived with my nan for a couple of years when i was very small and i think that she gave me a basis of self worth. she used to say something to me that i didnt understand at the time....when they all used to gang up on me and i would get upset, she would say....DONT UPSET YOURSELF. Now i realise what she was trying to tell me is that they can only upset me if i let them.

oh they still get to me ( i have a recent post about it)
but i feel more at peace that....thats the way they are.

my advice to you is to celebrate every tiny step you take. when you think about the kids getting hurt.... straight away think....but they are 10 years old and they havent been hurt yet, maybe it wont happen in the future.... THIS will give you some control over the bad thoughts.

as for looking after yourself.... you HAVE to, or else you are saying to them...im not worth beign loved...AND YOU MOST DEFINATELY ARE WORTH IT.

you deserve not to be in pain...so start with that foot cream, then bit by bit work on yourself..( i understand this, with me, i cant buy new clothes, it feels shameful. i feel like mutton dressed as lamb in a new white tshirt. i buy all my stuff from charity shops, but I can buy new for my DD)

the other thing to remind yourself is, that your kids.... they dont know you as the child you were, they know you as the mum you are and they love you for it.

i hope that you come to terms with your past and take control of your present.

stuckinadarktunnelxxx
similar story to mine.

I WAS the same until I was in my 40's.
I finally got the courage to read my "file" from when I was in care.

I wasn't surprised to read that my dm had told the relevant agencies at the time , that she hadn't even wanted to be pregnant with me.
I wasn't even wanted/loved from conception.

but, hey, you know what.

I looked at myself ,"talked" to myself, told myself I am who I am, put the past in it's compartment, and 20 years later, I still am who I am.

my mother didn't want/love me,

but sometimes,

yes, sometimes, it is time to take the next step forward in your life.

look closely in your mirror.

smile at yourself.

you are overweight, walk with your dc- age?- exercise, set goals.

I learned that dark feelings can leave you, if you allow them to.

make this the first day of the rest of your life.

do you still have contact with family?
the first step was the defining moment in my life, the same as it will be in yours.
xxxxxxxxxxxxlove to you

celestria, wish I had written that!!!!!!!!!
life changing.

also, heal your life, louise hay, I even bought it on disc, and listened to it in bed.

stuckinadarktunnel,
this is truly the first day of the rest of your life.
well done for reaching out to mumsnet,
hold your head up high,
love yourself and dc's,
hope the sun is shining for you today,

Bless you ladies .

Sometimes (occasionally) it helps to remember what a fucked up childhood your parents must have had. I know they didn't experience much in the way of love, and they didn't know how to love us.

It doesn't always help, but it goes some way to helping you forgive.

yes, what childhood did they have?
such a good question.

both my parents suffered one way or another.

by the time I understood everything, when I was 40, I actually forgave them totally.

that was when I was able to enjoy my present and look forward to the future.
good luck,
xxxx

I have forgiven my mother. The problem is that she has not forgiven me realising how awful she was and for bringing it into the open. That is why I am cut off from my whole family and has compounded it even more that I am 'wrong'. I have been left bitter and angry. I think that is why I keep looking back when I should be looking forward and being happy I am 'free'.

Thank you all for your replies. Each and every one of them has given me comfort x

How long ago was it that you outed her as such? I went through a phase of being really bitter and angry. I hadn't done anything wrong. I was the one abused as a little girl yet it was me that was being treated like the criminal.

My counsellor told me that I had to accept that I can't change people and probably will never get what I want from my family. Again all I can do is change myself.

I now don't feel angry anymore or bitter. I feel sorry for them and disappointed that they can support child abusers. I rationalised if they were friends and not family or if I was someone else and was advising them I would tell them to walk away and not be affected by them anymore. But it's a process OP. It takes time.

I don't have your experiences so I hope what I say won't sound trite, but these are two phrases which have helped me. My therapist says that she prefers the term 'come to terms' rather than 'letting go' of things that have happened. She say 'letting go' is like saying the thing never happened. But it did. 'Come to terms' allows you to acknowledge that it did happen, it is part of your past, but you don't need to make it part of your future. Which brings me to the second phrase that has helped me 'don't let the past tax the present'. I have a real tendency to anxiety, looking back, negativity. Focusing on the approaches in these phrases has helped me to shift how I look at things. I have also found hynotherapy helpful, and my weekly iyengar yoga class as at it my mind goes calm as I focus on the physical moves. That class has got me through some really awful times. Just knowing that for that one hour I could put aside all that was troubling me. I have also done mindfulness meditation course. Theses are things that have given me some help and some tools to get through life.

You have done such a brave thing just by posting here.

Learning self-worth should happen naturally I. Childhood and too often it doesn't and the cuts are deep.

You've had some brilliant advice here, I just wanted to send you my very best wishes for your baby steps that one day will be strides.

Love yourself because life is too short to be in conflict and because from your post you sound so sensitive and kind and special.

I can relate too OP. I too have even in therapy for a few years, due to a narcissistic, abusive mother. I too have some health and appearance problems caused by long term depression and anxiety. I find it hard to wash, to pick what I want to eat each day, to moisturise my skin if it gets dry, to look after myself in any way. We were not taught to do these things. We were not taught that our bodies and our beings were a thing of value to be cares for. We are taught they are just appendages for someone else to use (and I don't mean just sexual, but for whimsical reasons.) My mum used to get me to say things to other people, literally put the words in my mouth ad send me off.

I find that I can sometimes go into a zone where I manage to take care of myself, but it takes ALL of my energy. It is the only thing I can do. It doesn't come naturally, I have to consciously think through things - eg "now I need to eat, then I need to shower, then moisturise, then get dressed, cut my toenails." I need lists for these jobs otherwise they don't occur to me.

Try writing a hypothetical list of what you think a normal person would do in terms if self-care. Then start following it, with timings. 7am wake up, 7.15 have breakfast (meal planned the day before,) 7.30 get dressed (clothes laid out the night before) etc etc. Obey the schedule tongue incheek at first. but You will be surprised that after just a few days of soon it how much better you feel. I know it seems crazy - such a small, boring change that can affect chaos and misery that is so deep rooted. But this is what re-parenting yourself is...

I'm posting to keep on the thread.

I saw a new counsellor for the first time and the thread title is key for me. I'll read through to catch up.

My mother didn't want me as having me didn't make her plan work. Doesn't love me. Haven't lived with her since I was a toddler and haven't seen her for more than half my life.

My father really didn't want me. Have spoken to him twice 9 years ago, seen him once but didn't speak. Will never have a relationship with either of them.

How am I supposed to know how to be a parent?

First person I loved was a child I nannied for though I thought I had loved boyfriends before then. Now I am not so sure as I know I love DH and our children. No one else though and I doubt I ever will. feels crap

sorry I can't really do links but theres a website called selfcompassion, ans some books about self compassion which may help, in conjunction with therapy.
also, remember you are not alone

You say in your OP you have children.

Unlike your mother, you love them. Love them so much that they have become the focus of your anxiety, because the worst thing you can imagine now, not as a scared child but as a grown up, LOVING mother, is not something bad happening to you, but to them.

What do you think would be the worst thing which could happen to them?- you not being able to be there for them.

So. Be the best thing you can be for your lovely children by learning to cherish and build up the person who they look to for love and support. You are their rock- make sure it's a lovely rock, the bestest happiest rock in the world. See yourself through their eyes, OP, and stand back and say 'Wow. Well done!' at the woman who has blossomed into a proper, loving mother, despite never being shown an example herself.

You may not have got to experience mother-child love as the child, but that doesn't mean you have missed out on it, you can and do live mother-child love every day with your brilliant children.

I would suggest that you try and take more time with them to make loving moments and enjoy them alongside your children. That small child you once were is still here, inside you, and she can be comforted by sitting alongside her own children, laughing, playing, talking. Belonging.

Families are what we make with love, OP. You have your family now and one thing your past will have taught you is how precious it is. I think that is a good starting point to start relaxing into the good things that have come to you as an adult and making the most of life both for you and the children you are providing an example for.

Start by putting some cream on the poor overworked feet and hands of that lovely Rock, OP. It's got a very important job to do.

Bruno you made me cry .

I have 4 DC. I love them so much and always put them before me as is right and am terrified of something happening to them but then it already has as our 2nd DC died and our 1st almost did. Luckily my instincts overrode my GP's advice and I rushed her to A&E just time.

My therapist keeps telling me that the worst things that ever could happen to me already have (in addition to an abusive childhood, rape, bankruptcy, homelessness as an adult) and I have survived them so I can cope with anything but my brain keeps looking for more things that COULD happen. It just won't bloody well chill out!

My family casting me out has just tipped me over the edge recently as I can't seem to accept that they are in the wrong. I am keeping to the old script that it is all my fault.

I bought myself a beautiful massive canvas print today of a bluebell wood with sunshine coming through the trees. Just looking at it gives me a lift so that's a small step to self care I suppose. I got some Flexitol too!

I have taken strength from this thread, thank you all so much for all the replies.

The only thing I can suggest is I once read that our subconscious doesn't get irony. When we say jokingly to friends 'I'm so rubbish' our subconscious believes us. So maybe you could try having some mantra's to say to yourself in the mirror (doesn't matter that it feels ridiculous because your subconscious will still get the mantra message).

I am a loveable person
I am a good person
I am worth spending time with
I am worth flexitol!
I love myself
I am worth people's love
I am an excellent cook/mother/welder
I am loved by my children

That sort of thing.

Celestria - thankyou for your posts, they are really helpful.

Stuck - I can empathise. I am the same, right down to the heal cream (and thinking I really "ought" to go to the doctors.) I really struggle with self care. I need some clothes in my new larger size and it seems a mountain task to get some. I've put on 4 stone in the last 2 years and really hate myself for it.

Wouldn't - I find it all consuming and overwhelming too. I'm struggling with cooking meals at the moment. I've written a list of things that have to be done to get the children to school and find that about my limit.

I did a really good degree yet cant make myself better.

We're struggling financially at the moment so I really can't afford long term therapy. I'm having another 6 weeks via the doctor but even the therapist said I really needed some long term work to deal with my childhood.

Stuck - thank you for starting this thread. And so sorry you've had such a tough start to life too. It's horrid that it continues to affect us isn't it? The thread title really struck a cord with me. Lets hope we can work it out. I do find it so hard that stuff normal people can do every day and dtake for granted is such hard work for us.

I find any everyday chore hard work, including things for my own benefit. I wish I could rewire my head.

sometimes you just have to fake it until you make it. Having a daily routine does really help. It may take a few months for it to become second nature instead of having to force yourself, but it will happen.

Most of us on this thread will have varying degrees of depression and anxiety because of what we have been through. But we can choose to be a victim, or we can choose to fight. The road to recovery with any of these kind of issues never happens over night. It can take months or years. We only get one life and I know I dont want to spend mine living in the shadow of other peoples mistakes.

It is all about choice. We cant change what happened in our pasts. We cant say what will happen in the future. We can waste a lot of our time ruminating on the past and worrying about the future, but we all know that just doesnt help or solve anything. What we do have is the present. And also the ability to choose happiness. Because, it is a choice.

I am feeling particularly low today. It might be because I forgot my tablet last night. Or because of my period. Or maybe just because I am human and noone can be happy all the time. So I picked the worst task i needed to do today. The one I tend to ignore, and made myself do it first. I hated every moment of it, but now thats the worst thing I had to do today, then things can only get better right? Next, I will do the second most worst thing. Until whats left are not that bad or actually nice.

I think there is an element of a little child in all of us. That little child wants someone to pick them up. Someone to say, its okay. I love you. I will help you and stand by you. Its learning to be that person thats important. Because as hard as it is, noone else is going to do it. Pick that child up. Tell that child that despite everything thats happened to it, its still here, still fighting and you are proud of it. Then do something nice for that child. Go buy her a bunch of flowers. A new bit of of makeup. Run her a warm bubble bath. Play her her favourite music. Imagine your own DC are sick and what you would do to make them feel better. When a child is sick, you dont berate them. You dont tell them they arent doing good enough. You dont say they should behave in a certain way. You love them. Just love them. And thats what we should do to ourselves.

How much of what we do is because we think its expected of us. How many of us think, we SHOULD get showered and dressed today because its wrong not to. Trying to force yourself to do things because you should, is a lot harder than trying to do things for YOU only. Having a shower should make YOU feel good. Doing your makeup, should be for YOUR benefit. Turning a task into a pleasure is half the battle.

In terms of meals. I have been there and I have a handful of very easy recipes for the days when it just seems like too much.

www.nigella.com/recipes/view/spanish-chicken-with-chorizo-and-potatoes-5160 just bung it all on a tray. Lovely.

www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/3319/silvanas-mediterranean-and-basil-pasta bit of chopping and boiling pasta. Gorgeous.

www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/1120675/greek-lamb-tray-bake absolutely lovely and easy.

www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/2628/chorizo-and-chickpea-soup stick it all in a pot. Tasty.

Draw up a checklist. Small, achievable tasks. Do them ten minutes at a time, fifteen minutes break. Take a photo of it, put it on here so we can all cheer you on and you can feel a sense of pride in yourself. And remember, no matter how much you might be struggling, people care. I care.

oh I feel so sad reading this, your mother has done irreperable damage to you hasn't she? I wish I could hug you!!

So as a starter for ten I agree thats its worth seeing if there is any medication you can take to help you short term

secondly, are there any survivors groups you could join? Its not your fault, you are loveable and worthy and maybe speaking with others with similar experiences will help

You might not love yhoursdelf, but you love your DC. so if you cant fake it for you, fake it for them

your family casting you out is a good thing, trust me on that. do you want your cherished kids to see them? No, exactly...

Please take care of yourself OP. to start with get some cream, wear socks and wear it in bed, sudocrem of baby bottom butter

Noone can lose weight, stop smoking overnight but take some small steps for you

you are worth it, you are, you are, you are x

OP I lost this thread and have just found you again - I'm so sorry to hear that your DC2 died.

Your counsellor is right. You've been through the worst experiences anyone could. And you've come out the other side the kind of mother with a strong enough instinct to ignore bad advice and save her child's life.

Once again, I read your posts and I see a woman who sounds humane, loving, reasonable, interesting. Who is probably a good friend and an even better mother because she's seen first hand how hard life can be.

With what you have been through, it would be more surprising if you didn't have intrusive thoughts, anxieties, a troubled mind. Can you see that for what it is, and not let it fool you into thinking that it's 'real'? I think you are string enough to do that. You sound very strong. Human, fragile, but very strong.