Advice REALLY needed - friend/daughter/MH

[ElleMcFearsome]

Really long and involved story which I'll try and outline as I don't want this to be an essay OR too identifiable.

My dear friend S has a DD (17) C. There were DV issues when C was small, and S left her husband (waaay before I knew her). Since I've known them (5 years) C has displayed increasingly problematic behaviour, physically assaulting S until S phoned the police, generally acting out, above any beyond 'normal' teenage behaviours. The assaults stopped but C has, in the last year, made numerous (10+) attempts on her life. She spent some time last year as an in-patient and was released with the support of CAMHS.

This has not been a success: I'm not going to point fingers or lay blame as there were issues over willingness to engage and services that were offered. C made another attempt on her life last week and was released from hospital after 48hrs as medically fit, with, again, a plan to support her at home.

S has really struggled - she has no parents and few friends (massive trust issues). 2 older DCs but they have their own issues as well. For the last few years, I've been the only person S has. I live a long (multiple hours) drive away, have 2 DDs of my own who lost their father last year and I am 2 days away from my final University exam. I have been down to support S when C has in hospital but was unable to go down this time due to needing to revise (I know that sounds selfish, but my OU degree has been my focus for the last 3 years, along with my DDs and I really can't have it all go to pot in the last week...)

I have been increasingly worried about S's state of mind, she's been very down, monosyllabic etc. She went to the GP yesterday with a friend, was signed off work and had her medication (anti-d's) changed. Yesterday evening S's son rang to tell me S had been taken to hospital as she was incoherent/unable to speak, couldn't walk and incontinent.

This morning he rang to say she had discharged herself from hospital at 5am, which involved removing her catheter herself, and the staff were unable to persuade her to remain there. She was shoeless, minus her glasses or her meds and seems to have gotten a taxi home. She remains incoherent, confused, has no memory of being in hospital. Police attended (after the hospital rang them) and say she is safe at home. C is staying with a friend and due to see her social worker today but clearly cannot live with S at present. S's son is understandably beside himself and has been looking to me for guidance. I have advised that he rings the GP and requests an urgent home visit to assess S's mental capacity.

Sorry for length - I'm really worried for my friend, her DD and her son. What else can I do?

That's so awful. I don't know what you can do other that support S and her children as they ask for support - in the sense of talking on the phone etc. I'm only really commenting to say that it's important not to underestimate how helpful that sort of support is. It's hard when you're far away and have other things to think about not to feel guilty and it's also hard when the situation is not something you can influence in a practical way. But emotional support matters.

I realise you're very worried for your friend but I would urge you to take a bit of a step back. You already think you're being selfish for choosing revision over a very long round trip and that's a big concern to me. You have a life, children, exams, a partner (?) and you must not feel guilty for making your needs a priority.

Your friend is clearly suffering from very severe mental health and other problems but she is on the radar of the authorities, the police & the medical profession and I think you have to let them do their jobs, even if she's being uncooperative. It's good that you care & you are a good friend but you are not responsible for her and you're not in a position either geographically or practically to do anything to materially make a difference.

Thank you for the reply

I know there isn't anything practically I can do - it's way out of my league but I feel so bloody impotent just being at the end of a phone. DH said exactly the same thing as you did - that emotional, calm support is critical and is all I can do, but it's just all a bit shit

Of course it's shit. Some people have shit lives. Some people choose shit and others have shit thrust upon them.

You've known her five years which isn't particularly long. Given that you live so far apart, how did you meet?

Ah we worked together for 2 years and I moved away. We did (do?) have a real bond, a really close friendship but I also know that over the last year it's moved from being an equal friendship towards me as her source of support. And yes, I probably should have distanced myself a bit as it became clearer that she was really leaning on me but it's just so fucking hard to, you know? When someone is dealing with copious quantities of shit it's really difficult to do kind of tough love.

The relationship between her and her DD is, to my eyes anyway, complex if one is being charitable, fucked up if one is being more blunt. It's non-stop drama and crisis and they seem to 'feed' off each other. Christ, I know that sounds like I'm being a bitch, and it's not deliberate but they do seem determined to tear each other apart somehow.

The bottom line is I'm in a place where I feel responsible for her wellbeing and I know, I know if a friend was saying to me what I'm saying, I would be saying focus on what's important, accept that there are limits to what anyone can do etc. I'm not good at taking the advice I'd dish out, I guess.

It's not 'bitchy' to observe that two people are in the middle of a slow motion car-crash. The trick is not to get dragged into it yourself to the point where it is negatively affecting your life. Sadly, I've experienced similar myself in the past and it's a thankless and often frustrating position you find yourself in. I've seen a marriage break down because one member was spending too much time trying to save a friend. I saw one person end up in hospital doing the same thing. It's not tough love to say take a step back therefore, it's sheer self-preservation. You have a husband, children, ambitions, stuff to do and people that genuinely need you. Be a friend but let the professionals do the heavy lifting now.

Thank you. I'm sure that I shouldn't need validation/reassurance from people on the internet but it seems I do! On the plus side, the crisis team have arrived and are assessing her now. I'm going to turn my phone to Do Not Disturb, switch off the PC and do a few hours concentrated revision.

Really, thank you Cogito you have really helped.

You're welcome. I hope she's OK and I hope your revision goes better... :)