Should I step back from DD2's controlling relationship?

[Sasha506]

Sorry this might be a bit long, but I could really do with a bit of perspective on this. I have 2 DDs, one 27 and one 24. They have never really got on, even from children. DD1 lives with us and we're supporting her financially while she is saving money. DD2 left home some years ago.

DD2 recently ended her two year marriage after her DH repeatedly emptied the bank account, spent the money on drugs and junk food for himself and borrowed a huge amount of money from his mates (saying it was for DD) then repaid them out of her bank account! Eventually the rent was so late that they were thrown out. They have a 15 month old daughter. She started dating someone else who at first seemed okay - had a job, seemed to care about her and DGC. We scraped together the deposit for a flat for them (put ourselves in debt in the process but we wanted her and our GC to have a roof over their heads). In the last couple of months, though, the new partner has turned into a total nightmare. He has called me a fing bitch and my husband a fing t**t. He has started turning DD against us and told her that we are the problem and always have been. He seems to be trying to control everything that she does - her friends have all but vanished and she only socialises with his family. She was trying to stay friends with her ExH for the baby's sake but since the new partner threatened ExH with physical violence, DD and ExH are now at each others throats and fighting each other for custody. We have banned him from our house and our street since the violent display was outside our house. Apparently the new partner has ADHD and his parents lost control of him when he was about 5 - he hardly went to school, ran with gangs, drove cars illegally, smoked weed etc etc. His job is on the line since he threatened a colleague at work.

Is there anything I can do? I have battled depression for years and this has kicked it off big time. DD1 has had enough of DD2 and told me in no uncertain terms to step away but I really wanted to keep up a relationship with DGC but I can't cope with being around the new partner and DD2 seems to think that the sun shines out. She says she feels loved and protected, but all I can see is a controlling, unpleasant thug. Worst of all she has now announced she is pregnant again. Apparently new partner's attempts at contraception failed miserably.

Should I back off for the sake of my own health or keep trying to support her even though I seem to be public enemy number 1.

So sorry for the long rant!

I would say step back emotionally and financially, but don't walk away, for the sake of the child.

Let her know that you love her and you will always be there for her without judgment, but that you should not and will not accept a man who speaks to you like that into your home. You have a right not to feel threatened in your own home.

I also think that London is spot on.

She and her children are vulnerable and will need you to be there to subtly show her the way, to be her consistent anchor, calm & rational, for when it inevitably all goes tits up.

So you need to keep the lines of communication open and practice "detached love" - do nothing to enable - ie money, rescueing, childcare etc., dont judge or try and fix, give advice or control.

As PP said - put in clear boundaries and limit contact to what you can cope with - eg only meet F2F once a week (he will be listening to her calls and reading her texts) - never judge her/his or her/his actions - but as Londons says reflect it back to her if she tells you what happens -- how does that make you feel.

She needs encouragement encouragement, encouragement .... to see for herself and then find the strength to go it alone.

This might take years and years - so pace yourself....try and cut off from her dramas and the times you dont see her.

Getting someone pregnant is a classic deliberate controlling tactic of an abuser.

I'd also say keep in contact with DD and your GC. They need to know you are there for them. Make the contact regular - phone calls, texts, cards, meet ups for occasional coffee etc knowing that abusive partner will see/be told everything so don't judge or comment, just be in touch.

Pace yourself, this will not be sorrted overnight, but one day they will need someone to run to - please be there for them.

THIS THREAD IS 7 months old!!!!!