Husband says he leaving!!!!!! Advice please

[Lostalot]

Hi there
After reading loads of posts I thought I'd write in the aim of getting some advice.
We have been married about 5 years with two young children. the relationship hasn't been good for a while. my husband has said he is leaving.we are living in the same house but barely speaking now. We are on the list for counselling though he repeatedly says to me we will never work - which I obviously find very depressing. Neither of us love each other but I keep thinking that if we both put in the effort that will come back. But he is soooo negative and I cannot try for two people!!!!! What can I do.?

Not a lot I am afraid.

If he wants to leave then he will.

Counselling will only work if both people want it to. You cannot change his mind and tbh would you want to?
You say neither of you are in love with each other so why would you want to be in the relationship for years to come and be unhappy.

It will be hard in the beginning OP and coming to terms with the breakdown of your relationship is never easy but isn't it better to be with somebody because you/they want to be there rather than because you/they were forced to be?

Ask yourself why you want to be in the relationship. Anything short of the fact that you love and respect the other and want to spend your life with them it is not worth pursuing.

Take care.

Pack his bags and say there's the door, see ya?

You cannot make it work on your own you are right.

Best you can do is learn to move on, live and be happy without him.

If you sort the marriage then it is a bonus but you can be happy in yourself.

If he wants to leave, he can and there's nothing wrong with wanting to leave. A lot of problems can't be fixed by counselling unfortunately.

If you don't love each other anymore then why bother? I know you have kids but is this really good for them living with parents that barely speak?

Thank you for your posts.
I know your right. It is really confusing but I think I am just putting off the inevitable. We went for our counciling assessment session he said there there was a glimmer of hope for us but admitted after that he only said that because he felt guilty - so on the basis of the glimmer of hope we have been accepted for counciling so we are waiting for that. But in the mean time I am getting more and more down and struggling to be motivated with work and the kids - we are barely speaking and he keeps saying he can't imagine us ever working out. Shall we bother even waiting for counciling.?
Thank you for your replies v much appreciated :)

We are barely speaking now but normally day to day we get on ok

do you think you can make it work or are you just so desperate for it too because its something you should do?i say this particulaly because you mentioned neither of you love eacohter.this for me is the basis needed for a marriage.without that.
many people fall apart but still love eacohter just lost eachother.but if you dont even love him or he you...eek then i think that tough.
how is home life.could it be making you more miserable staying together.could you see yoursefl getting on with him but not as a couple.
lots of questions here im asking.but jsut some things to think on before you put yourself through more stress.
keep going with trying to communicate if you can.tell him what youve told us.does he want to be with you?because if he really doesnt then i think keeping together will only cause you more pain hun.youll always not be feeling good enough.
your kids too.you need to do what best for everyone but yourself too.

Kate yes I think it's something I think I should do. He has a lot of good qualities but some bad ones too and I can't seem to get over them. I keep thinking if only he had a more positive attitude like me we would be ok! Life at home is ok so long as we don't have to make any descions. Which I know could not go on long term. You know when you just want to go to bed and hide because if the inevitable happens there is so much to do! I would need to relocate and find a new job etc - nightmare- one minute I think I can face it the next minute not!

What tends to keep people clinging unrealistically onto a dead marriage is fear of an unknown future. It can feel like such a big, scary world out there being an independent woman that it's tempting to do anything and everything to avoid it. Sadly that way lies depression because no amount of effort results in love and you are not in control of another person's personality.

Suggest you take him seriously, take him on face value and then get yourself as much RL professional and practical help on working out what an independent future looks like for you and the DCs. Talk to a solicitor, work out the finances, think about accommodation and access.... Rather than waiting around for the axe to fall ('the inevitable happens') and being fatalistic about it, take the reins and start being 100% in control of your future. That's how you get out of the nightmare.

I agree with the above. If he says he's leaving then make him go. He's already given you false hope by lying to the counsellor, he's not prepared to make the effort in to saving your marriage so make him leave.
Perhaps it will signal the end, perhaps it will jolt both of you in to action but living with someone who keeps threatening to go but doesn't will only breed resentment and more problems.
Take control and get things moving. And good luck OP

Thankyou girls. I think I know you are right but I seem to have to cling on till the last second - it seems that way I feel I will have tried my best. If I don't I will always wonder if I gave up too soon - crazy really when I look at it.. He does have some very good qualities too and normally day to day we do get on - not lately though or as long as we don't have to plan anything. Oh god there's a lot to sort out.

If you cling on to the last second you may feel you tried your best in years to come, but it's equally possible you could end up regretting that you wasted so much time. When threads appear on here asking others if there is anything they wish they'd done differently when dealing with relationship breakdown, 'I wish I'd ended it sooner' is always very high on the list.

He's already checked out of the marriage. He's making it quite clear he cant see it working out and is only doing counselling out if guilt.

As hard as it sounds, move on and go your separate ways.

Wish I'd ended my marriage years before I did instead of dragging it out in the vain hope it would work

So you barely communicate and, you don't love each other - really what is the point in counselling, time to face facts and move on.