Ten months since I last saw OM - miss him for the first time in quite a while

[purplegadget]

Brief affair with work colleague last summer/autumn. Last saw him October 9th, not in contact. He emigrated. Nobody at work knows what happened.

Drinks after work tonight and a long conversation about him started up. He still gets mentioned quite often at work and crops up in other ways. Don't get usually pangs any more but drove home missing him. It will pass I know. And, I'm not really missing him - I'm missing what we had.

Makes me realise how dreadfully hard things must be if people are still around. So I'm fortunate he's gone.

Absolutely Chaseface. There's no chance I'll be starting that and I don't expect to ever hear from him.

I am still in a relationship but I don't want to be. Am trying to work out whether/how to end it. Not sure I'm brave enough but don't want to spend the rest of my life being basically unhappy underneath the surface.

OM has nothing to do with this other than maybe having reminded me how things can be different. I have no aspiration to be with him.

Maybe after 10 months you need to face up to and resolve your current relationship, otherwise you will drift and find in x years your situation is exactly the same but you are still thinking back to the happy times with om.........

Yes WildBill I do. That's one of my biggest fears - staying in the same place. I know life is too short, just as things with OM were ending two friends died, younger than me. I'll soon be 50 too which is focussing my mind.

I'm just scared. Most of all I don't want to hurt my children. Also, I don't want to hurt my husband and, I know this will sound so stupid given my age, but I don't want to be seen to be the villain of the piece by my parents.

I've always been a 'good sensible girl'.

I've just started to try and think of it from the point of view of if it were my daughter feeling like I do, how would I feel. Maybe that will help.

That's a good idea - talk to yourself as though you were giving advice to a friend in the same situation. Major change is scary so you need to be sure you know what is right for YOU.

Have come home this evening to a constant stream of complaining and negativity. He's on at the kids all the time for one thing or another. I just want to put on loud happy music to drown it all out. It kind of gets me down but I also kind of feel determined to be cheerful in spite of it all. I find myself thinking 'just go away and be miserable on your own where you can't suck the joy out of anyone else'.

Oh purple you need to talk to DH.

Remember you deserve to be happy

Thanks for the supportive comments. This isn't the way I expected this thread to go to be honest. I expected some flack for the infidelity (still time of course!).

I'm starting to see the effect he has on the kids too.

Tonight younger son suggested swapping bedrooms with daughter (who's the youngest and would dearly love a bigger bedroom) she's over the moon at the idea. Rushes to tell Daddy and all he can say is 'When?' (I know he's about to come out with all the reasons why it can't happen) and 'Yeah, well I've got loads of time to do that' in a sarcastic voice.

I tell him some time in the next few weeks and I'll sort it out. First we have to decorate elder son's room as it's his turn first and he needs something more grown up. Me and the kids sit on the bed browsing bedding ideas on the laptop. 'This is like a family meeting' says one 'But without Dad - he doesn't care' says the eldest. That took me a bit by surprise from him, I'd've expected it of the other two more.

I'm spending the day with my mum in a couple of weeks - I think I maybe should let her have an idea of how I'm feeling.

I feel like I've taken a step forward this week in how I'm thinking.

re affairs - not a popular view on mn but they are always a sign something is wrong/missing, i.e sympton rather than cause.

What a sweeping statement!

An affair is also down to selfishness, opportunity and a total lack of respect for a partner.

Some people detach themselves from the relationship and see the affair as nothing to do with their relationship but just an added bit of excitement while still playing happy families.

One thing I've learnt is that all affairs are no more alike than all marriages are alike. The reasons for them are many and varied. This isn't just from my experience but from close friends whose situations I know very well and from reading many, many threads on MN.

Your husband should know how you feel and what you've done. Then you can both move on together or otherwise.

I don't know that she should tell her DP, the affair is long over, and the OP is going to end the relationship entirely in the not so distant future. If she's feeling guilty and wants to confess to help herself feel better, that's about as selfish as it gets. Your affair, your burden, why should your partner bear the weight of what you've done and you get to feel much better about the whole situation. However I don't think the OP feels this way!
I personally would urge the OP to end the relationship with DP and spare him the unnecessary heartache of telling him about the affair, and to bear in mind that while the relationships is over, it was still a success. You have your children and your life together to show that. It's not a failure just because it didn't end with one of you dying!

What a sweeping statement!

An affair is also down to selfishness, opportunity and a total lack of respect for a partner.

Some people detach themselves from the relationship and see the affair as nothing to do with their relationship but just an added bit of excitement while still playing happy families

I have to say I think that this ^ is right. Yes it may mean that there is a problem in the relationship, but not always.

I can't help but also say that there are differing standards sometimes displayed on MN as to whether it is the woman or man that had the affair, which is wrong. You can't have a rule for one and not for another.

You say he is being negative. Are you sure that he doesn't know or at least guess that something has gone on.

Grumpy I agree entirely with your post.

Eliza the negativity isn't a new thing. He has always been a 'glass half empty' person. I used to live with that side of his personality and even found it kind of endearing in a Jack Dee kind of way but as the years have passed he's got more and more negative about everything and everybody. It's wearing me down and I don't want to live with it any longer.

Grumpy just re-read your post and I really do agree with it so much. The part about it not being a failure is making me cry. That's how I feel and it's so good to hear someone else say that.

I don't believe that a long marriage is by definition a success. It can be an exercise in endurance by one or both parties that results in much unhappiness, bitterness and wasted years.

purple I could have posted your OP four years ago almost exactly.
I summoned the courage to leave and take all the blame for everything. It was hard and painful and I had counselling for a year before and after I left. When the counsellor told me I deserved to be happy too I cried. I thought I should be punished forever for having the affair.
Times passes. We are all healing. I have a lovely DP and we have just bought a lovely old house together and are getting married.
If I could rerun my life I wouldn't make the same choices again but I am happy with where I am now. If I had stayed nothing would have changed for the better. And I have learned compassion and a little wisdom along the way. It isn't a bad thing to deal with a failed marriage if it makes you a kinder gentler more humble person afterwards.

Now it's your turn to bring a tear to my eye KouginAmann

I had counselling just after Christmas to help me through the immediate aftermath but I wasn't in any fit state to make a rational decision about my future. I feel that I am now and I'm going to go back.

Thanks for your insight.

*What a sweeping statement!

An affair is also down to selfishness, opportunity and a total lack of respect for a partner.

Some people detach themselves from the relationship and see the affair as nothing to do with their relationship but just an added bit of excitement while still playing happy families*

Happily married people don't cheat - the above view is that of people who simply fail to grasp that whilst THEY may have been happy in the relationship, the cheating partner - for one or more of a myriad of reasons wasn't and they haven't yet acknowledged this.

Whilst I suspect the point trying to be made was that some people want to have an illicit relationship and play along with an unsuspecting partner at happy families as they want both of the relationships to continue I totally agree with your final paragraph WildBill.

I have been very unhappy for so long I can't remember how long. I've hidden it for a number of reasons. I realise now that I shouldn't have but it's too late - I have.

When a cheating partner says 'I've been unhappy for a long time' they are mocked and accused of rewriting history e.g. The Script, Chumplady etc. etc. I've no problem with people saying this is true in some cases but it is presented as universally true. I find it quite offensive and it's not helpful to either party whether they want to rebuild or move on.

It's the same with 'I love you but I'm not in love with you any more' - a cliche and maybe not a very articulate thing to say but a way to express that you still care very much for that person but there's no longer a sexual attraction e.g. lover relationship has turned into a sibling type relationship for that party.

Anyway, swimming against a massive tide here - just wanted to get that out there. It's not the kind of thing you can say on anyone else's thread really.

wildbill - I take offence to your comments!!

Within the space of 9 months, I lost 2 babies as well as 2 baby nieces on both sides of our families and I also was under threat of losing my job! The word 'grief' doesn't even get close!

My 'lovely' stbxh couldn't cope with the losses of our babies and so shagged some tramp at work to get away from reality.

Don't talk about things you don't know or understand!

OP, didn't mean to derail and didn't want to comment to you personally on this thread as I don't agree with the way you describe your H's behaviour after what you have done.

I don't agree with WildBill either.

Almost 5 months on from discovering DH's affair and he has said time and time again that he was never, ever unhappy in our relationship. He tried to use that as justification for what he'd done early on, but now says that he was just trying to justify it and that was never true. He was happy. We both were.

Until he got incredibly pissed 300 miles away from home and shagged a woman who threw herself at him (and yes, he could have said no, and no he isn't blameless and I'm not saying it was only her fault) he had never even thought he was unhappy. Funnily enough the stress of having done that and then starting an emotional affair in his confusion about how could he love me if he'd shagged someone else, made him very unhappy. Oh the bleeding irony.

Bloody generalisations on here really annoy me. Every situation is different.

OP, if you're not happy then make plans to leave. Nobody should be living under deceit and lies. It's up to you whether you tell him the reasons but if he is sucking the positivity out of the air for you so much then leave.

It sounds like you checked out of the relationship a long time ago. Give him a chance to be happy too.

I'm making plans to end the husband/wife relationship handful and yes, I did check out a long time ago.

I notice that up thread I said 'whether/how to end the relationship' I think that's me avoiding facing up to things - it is really 'how' not 'whether'. I'm realising that more and more but I remain very scared.

I'm taking small steps.

And yes, I want him to have the chance to be happy too. He deserves that.