Can anyone help me to help my sister? Sorry it's a bit long.

[Lilythesink]

My sister and her ex divorced 8 years ago, shortly after they had their third child. Her ex was controlling, adulterous, alcoholic and physically abusive. On the agreement that she wouldn't press charges ( he had a responsible job in the police force) he gave her the lion's share of the proceeds from the house as the children live mainly with her. Things went downhill as soon as my sister got into a new relationship and they went to court over maintenance payments and access to the children. Not only did the court insist his payments should be the lowest possible he was granted the right to have the children every other weekend and an evening in the week. My sister tried to point out that she didn't like leaving the children with him but the judge said that it everyone has different parenting styles and that she must learn to be more accepting. This may or may not have had something to do with the judge being a fellow mason and a drinking friend ... who knows?

Anyway, over the subsequent 8 years he has sent endless abusive texts and messages to my sister and has said terrible things about her to the children. They have learnt to try to block it out.

The worst thing of all is how he treats the children: apparently they are sissys, they are whiners and need to be turned into men. He bought the eldest nothing but a pair of woollen gloves for his birthday and insisted on endless gratitude. He wasn't allowed to take them back to my sister's house either, note any of the other things he 'bestows' upon them. He has only JUST got round to begrudgingly sorting out a bedroom for the children in his multi-million pound basement ( married again, new wife's ex was loaded -his best friend btw.). Before this they slept on the floor for years. The youngest wouldn't even poo in his father's bathroom for fear of ridicule, holding on for two days at a time, poor thing.

The ex belittles, he thunders, he threatens and he intimidates. He is frighteningly dominant and they go to see him because they are fearful of the consequences for them and their mother. They know that he is their Dad and that maintaining contact is 'important' because he insists that he loves them. This is so confusing for them and is probably the reason why they don't refuse to go. The youngest is horribly anxious and excessively people pleasing as a result.They have both had to have counselling to deal with their fears and 8 years of sobbing on 'that' night of the week. It's such a shame because they are lovely kids, despite everything they've been through.

To top it off, today the ex sent her a text saying that he won't be paying maintenance anymore as he has given up his job in the force but he would like to see them in them more in the week as well as at the weekends. He also has a history of depressive and manic illness and is known for his erratic, angry outbursts. My sister is despairing, knowing now that she will now have to take yet another job ( 3rd) to keep their heads above water, not to mention having to explain to the children that their father would like to see them more. She lives on a shoestring as it is. What is her legal position? What are her rights? What are the children's rights? Can anybody offer any good advice? After years of being exposed to his rage and let down by the legal system, she is at her wits end. She is understandably frightened of him. Any advice gratefully received x

No advice just wanted to say I'm very sorry for your sisters situation.

Thank you Imsuch, me too x

She should get legal advice and it may help to contact Women's Aid.

What I'd do would be to refuse unsupervised contact, and that he should arrange a contact centre or someone she trusts for handovers and children's supervision.

She should discuss all these issues with a social worker, health visitor and even children's GP.

If he becomes aggressive, contact the police.

That sounds really awful for your poor sister.
Firstly, if she has abusive texts and emails then I would be reporting them to police immediately. This is harassment and she needs to report it.

Then she needs to get herself to CAB and find out where she stands.
She cannot take another job on if she is already at her limit.
She needs to understand about benefits and tax credits now that she is not going to be getting maintenance.

She could then involve social services. They need to assess the situation with the father. If he is abusing the children (which is what you describe) then they need to be protected from him, not made to spend more time with him.

There are services that will help. She just needs to reach out.

Oh, and if he's got a problem with how she allows contact, he should take it to court.

I think she feels very badly let down by all of the professional bodies concerned. It seemed so open and shut at the time but for some inexplicable reason they all seemed to put 'contact with the father' above all other concerns, simply not listening to what she had to say. As he came out of the court he said - "Try contesting this and I'll go for full custody." This terrified her. It was like a nightmare. He has always made a point of telling her (and everyone who will listen) how much cleverer he is than her. He can be very charming when circumstances dictate. Woman's Aid sounds like it might be helpful...

Are any of the dc at an age where what they want counts? Do they want more contact? I agree to check with the specialist groups but it sounds as though their input and assessment from a social worker/therapist may be of use? Horrid, horrid situation...

When was the court decision?

I've changed the dateline incase the situation is recognised but it was actually 11 years ago.

Gen, the children definitely won't want more contact but will be scared to stand up to him. He has already told them if they don't come to visit them he won't love them anymore. God, just typing that brings tears to my eyes.

By 'mason' do you mean Freemason? If so, his lodge should frown on physical abuse of his wife and he should be made to leave- you may find that the Freemasons will be incredibly supportive of your friend.

Your friend should press charges regarding the abuse- it's the only way to ensure that DC are kept away from him

Also.

Katrose - yes. That's interesting. There is a very good chance that he would have wanted to keep any misdemeanours from them. Like lots of abusive people, it was critical that he appeared respectable. For her to press charges after so many years later would take a lot of courage. She's fairly worn down by now. She needs pointing in the direction of agencies that will actually sympathise with her, rather than assuming that because he had a responsible job and was eloquent, he wouldn't be an abusive husband and father. Because of her experiences my sister has always assumed that the Freemason's is an old boys club where they look after their own.

Poor kids. It's so hard to get enough evidence to get these awful abusive people recognised, I do understand completely why your sister feels like she hasn't got the fight. I hope you get some concrete advice - would love to hear from anyone that's been able to successfully prove emotional abuse against the dc legally...

Poor children. 11 years of this. But, presumably, they are at an age when they can decide not to see him any longer.
If it went to court, the judge would support the children, probably.

She needs to rethink the whole situation and seek help now. Things have changed in the last 11 years too, and new legislation is geared towards recognising emotional abuse.

The children should also have psychological support, and she could talk to a gp about referring them.

Lweji - has it? That would be great. They have had counselling through the GP and that help the oldest particularly. They can't seem to bring themselves to cut all contact as he's made it clear that if the do then he will no longer be their dad. Heavy stuff for a child. Bastard.

It is heavy stuff, but what he's doing is worse.

My DS only has supervised contact with his father. Our local court has basically decided that I decide on contact. Most conversations are via skype and I have had to cut some short because of emotional abuse.
I am very, very neutral and encourage contact, but if I sense abuse, I will fight for my child.
Your sister will have to stand up for her children and lead by example. How can they stand up to him if she doesn't?

Lweji, you're right of course and well done. She has never wanted to have to make that decision for them, hoping that they would make their decision on their own. Saying 'no you can't see your father' is serious stuff and with the courts telling her his behaviour was a 'parenting style' has made her doubt her own judgement. She has told them she will back them, whatever they choose, but because of the guilt trips and rages, they are conditioned not to rock the the boat. I think finally she has decided that the time for being reasonable is over though. It's knowing how to go about it.

There's nothing you can do about the ex being a twat, but the children must be well of an age where their views are taken into account as to whether they want to see him or not.

Their views are very much taken into consideration. The problem with this sort of bullying is that it's hard for the children to say 'enough'. They worry about their dad, they worry about their mum, they still want to have a dad but think that that is a conditional state, i.e if you don't want to see me you no longer want to be my child. It's like a sort of grooming I think. My sister has always wanted to be able to say 'enough' ( which is why she went to court the first time) but he is such an angry man the repercussions will be horrible. He's had her by the throat in front of the children before. He has told lots of people in their small community that she is crazy liar. It's knocked her confidence terribly.

I can totally see if someone that everyone thought was 'charming' and respectable kept telling people i was a crazy liar I'd start to doubt myself massively. She's going to have to have this fight though, if he wants more access. I'd tell myself, even if I lost, my kids will respect me more for trying , especially when they're adults and fully understand, and that in itself makes it worth the risk. Any chance she can move further away? I suppose her main support network is in the small community too?

I saw on another thread that giving up a job voluntarily to avoid paying maintainance is very much frowned upon by the courts and NRPs have been ordered to continue paying.

Surely too, the psychologists who have attended to these children could be asked to write reports to protect the children.

The counsellor, although suggested by the gp was private, but I guess those records could be called upon. Mexican - again, very interesting. My sister doesn't have lots of money to fight a court case. Because she owns her house I guess she can't get legal aid, even though she's on the minimum wage.

Gen, she can't move away. All of her jobs are there and she has lived there a very long time. Is the CSA the way to go? Can she report physical abuse from years ago?

OP if her children are at risk then the fact that your sister has lived somewhere a very long time shouldn't really be an issue should it?

I would move to the ends of the earth to protect my children from this kind of abuse.......

Hampton, that's oversimplifying things rather and I won't have my sister painted in a negative light. She shouldn't have to go anywhere - she's not the problem here. She has lived with this for a long, long time and been a remarkable mother in the face of great difficulty. Sometimes he appears almost reasonable and she hopes things are improving, but of course they don't. The fact is he has has been granted access by the courts, she stood up to fight and was knocked back by a system that didn't acknowledge her concerns. If he raised his hand to them she would be on him like a shot, but emotional abuse is less clear cut. The fact is the children won't say they don't want to see their father because, despite all of his appalling behaviour, they want him to love them. I would love to hear from someone who has actually been in this position and if they found a way out.