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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Whats going on with my relationship??

16 replies

joleevo · 09/06/2014 15:12

I am a divorced lady (2010) with two sons and met my current boyfriend in 2012. My boyfriend a lot younger than me. Tonight is our 2 year anniversary, and I'm lying on the sofa, alone, wondering what has happened to us. He moved into my home a year ago and has brought nothing to the home. He cleans up and helps out now and then, but seems to becoming lazy. We fight allthe time about ridiculous things, and when we do he comes out with the most horrible, horrible things, so horrible I end up becoming physically violent, which I have never been before. He is constantly on my back about how to raise my sons, that I'm not hard on them and how easy they have it, when they are with us, he always has something negative to say. It seems like a massive mind game to me, but then he turns around, when I mention it, and says 'I don't play games'. I have broken up with him quite a few times and told him I feel likevim being used, but he wont leave, but he WILL get nastier and nastier and less loving. Lately the sex life has gone downhill whereas it used to be amazing. He is now always tired. I've brought it up with him and he says, that's how he felt previously and I say, 'but we were having sex at least once a day' so how was it a problem? He was bringing up a problem when it wasn't a problem. Now there is an actual problem, he's just blowing me off. The whole relationship seems to be getting more and more depressant, and I feel like his mother now. Nowadays, he doesn't like to kiss in public. We used to be kissing all the time, had a loving, warm relationship and now it just never happens. I try to snuggle up to him and get fobbed off. I feel like an idiot. Then there's the mind games, when I break up with him he says You will find someone else straight away, that I don't care about him, I only care about myself, I just want him to provide a home for my kids, which is ironic considering I am providing a home for him.....ultimately it's just a control tool. He went through a stage of being massively jealous and I couldn't go out with my girlfriend's or him without being accused of cheating, but now he's stopped that but it seems like it's a juxtaposition, where if he's not going to give me the jealous-boyfriend attention, he won't give me any. I had massive issues with my ex husband, and went through years of abuse and now it seems to be happening all over again. I've always seemed to have been able to walk away from a bad relationship, but this time I'm finding it very hard, because my heart is so involved in him. He brings up some hurtful things, the other day calling me a common bitch, no wonder my marriage didn't work out and that my friends don't want me around their house because my kids are so badly behaved??? What a thing to say. Afterwards he says he didn't mean it. I feel emotionally traumatised, so much so I can't think straight, like I need to see a psychologist. I'm considering packing stuff tomorrow and staying in a hotel, and completely cutting him off. I've left before, told him to leave, to get out, I hate him and I think it's scarred him and now I feel scarred. I think I am partly to blame for sure, I'm a bit of my own worst enemy. But I love him. He's so nice, and loving, and charming when he's nice. I feel right back where I started, living with a man who's mood swings dictate my happiness and I'm finding it difficult to come to terms with the fact it's happened again. I think I'm being used, I think slowly I'm being derogated. I can't see the relationship improving unless he chills out and stops being a total dick all the time. There's also the promise of commitment which has never eventuated. He's been back to England each Christmas we've been together and last time, when he was there, he even mentioned that he was going to bring back his grandma's ring. Of course, I was beside myself with excitement, but wo is me, no ring returneth. So weird. Also, he's doesnt like any of my friends or family and never wants to go out with them to any dos, nights out, functions or parties. What the hell is going on????

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/06/2014 15:29

There's a lovely MN term ... 'a cocklodger'.... for someone who smarms his way into your life and your property with promises of love and marriage, gets his feet under the table and then turns out to be a lazy-arsed, emotionally manipulative, tight-fisted, miserable bastard without a good word to say about anyone. I think you have one of those.

Yes, you will not know if you're coming or going and yes I'm sure he can be nice occasionally .... that's how they operate. They tend to be clingy and will do anything and everything to avoid being dumped but you have to get shot, if not for your own sanity but for the sake of your poor DCs having to witness his behaviour

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/06/2014 15:31

If you want another term it's 'emotional abuse'. You are not even partly to blame for this and you are not your own worst enemy but being the victim of emotional abuse will have you think you're going mad.

SolidGoldBrass · 09/06/2014 15:33

At least the house is yours and you haven't married him. Pack his bags and put him out. As none of the DC are his, you don't ever have to see or contact him again.
Best of luck. You will feel so much better when you've got rid.

BTW, if he refuses to leave you can get the police to come and remove him, as the house belongs to you.

gateauxauxfruits · 09/06/2014 15:45

Bloody Hell.

Is he drunk when he says these things?

hellsbellsmelons · 09/06/2014 15:56

Wow - why on earth are you putting with this?
Get rid of him.

As Cogito says - he's a cocklodger!
Get rid. Pack his bags now and put them outsede the door.
If he gets arsey then call the police.

Seriously!? Nothing you have written is OK.
He is a waste of your time and energy and is bringing you and your DC down!
Nothing is worth this.

A man does NOT define you. Be on your own for a while.
Maybe do the Freedom Programme to understand why on earth you are OK with this and not kicking his arse to the curb right now!!!

FourForksAche · 09/06/2014 16:01

if you find yourself feeling so stressed and out of control that you use physical violence you need to end this relationship.

He is using you and its turning you into someone you don't want to be.

GreggsOnLegs · 09/06/2014 16:02

so horrible I end up becoming physically violent,

If this had been a man posting, you'd have been ripped to shreds

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/06/2014 16:09

" this had been a man posting, you'd have been ripped to shreds"

Not necessarily. When someone is describing a situation in which they are goaded to the point of behaving with uncharacteristic aggression then they tend to get some understanding although on the proviso that the relationship ends there rather than subjecting anyone to more of the same.

Sadly, in an abusive relationship, goading someone to breaking point is quite often used as another method of justifying abuse. 'You see' they say 'you're worse than I am. No wonder I have to be so horrible to you'.

FourForksAche · 09/06/2014 16:13

ripping to shreds wouldn't help them much, greggs. I hope the thread can stay on topic and not become a rerun of the tired old "you're nicer to women" argument.

LineRunner · 09/06/2014 16:32

Please get this awful man away from your children.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/06/2014 16:39

Re your comment in your initial post:-
"I had massive issues with my ex husband, and went through years of abuse and now it seems to be happening all over again"

Not just seems to be happening again, is happening again. This bloke is not a too dissimilar shade of emotional abuser and cocklodger to your ex. Your relationship radar was off as a result of being abused and this person took full advantage, you were targeted by this current individual.

You do not need such a man to validate you, all this one will do and is doing currently is dragging you and your children down with him. What is there to love about him, you read as both over invested in this as well as being codependent in relationship terms.

I would also look into yourself doing Womens Aid Freedom Programme asap because this is for women who have been in abusive relationships.

Jan45 · 09/06/2014 17:08

2 years and it's like this - honestly OP give it up, he is in fact nothing but a cock lodger and not even a good one at that.

mammadiggingdeep · 09/06/2014 17:29

Would you like to live another two years with him the way it is??

To be honest, putting all the other stuff to one side (although you shouldn't, it's awful), just a man commenting on my children's behaviour negatively and putting my parenting down would mean I'd end it. Who the fuck is he to comment on your parenting and your children. He should be your biggest supporter.

Not trivialising it but seriously "ltb" is all you need to hear on this one. He's a wrong un.

AnyFucker · 09/06/2014 17:31

Your relationship is shit. End it.

joleevo · 09/06/2014 21:53

Umm, he doesn't live with me for free, in exchange for providing me with cock :/ haha I feel these comments. That's exactly what's happened cogito in regard to ripping to shreds, it's horrible fore to get so angry I reach that point, amazing! Im going to write down what I want, and if he blows me off it'll have to be over. At least then I've tried and I've put it down on paper if not to share with him then for me to look at after and say, you put it down and he wouldn't accept. The boys are fine and happy. Thanks for everybodies your input, it's so awesome.

OP posts:
FourForksAche · 09/06/2014 22:04

Best of luck Joleevo, hope it works out.

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