Can you ever tell a friend her relationship is a massive red flag?

[TheyCallMeStacey]

Good friend of 10 yrs, divorced after ex cheated repeatedly. She is now in a relationship with an alcoholic, she has had to call the police after he threatened violence. I feel sick about the situation, she has 3 lovely dcs all approaching teenage years. He is in his 50s, never been married and no dcs, he doesn't have any friends and wants to 'make a family' with my friend and her dcs.

Is there anything constructive i can say or do? Other friends have advised just 'being there' for her when it all goes tits up and not saying anything negative about the new bf. I have such a bad feeling from him and have done from the moment i met him. What can i say that is helpful or constructive? Or do i just keep my mouth shut and be there if she needs me.

Did you ever ask her about how she feels about this relationship? Did you ever ask whether she's happy? Whether she sees the future with him? That should give you some clues whether she'd be responsive to your comments.

Glenshee, she's become very defensive and doesn't talk much about him. She hasn't told me they are back together after a terrible binge he went on and she broke it off with him. I know they are back together as dh bumped into the bf who told him.
I feel so upset for the dcs, and for my friend who deserves so much better. I want to shake her and say WTF are you doing!!

I'd call SS.

I think you get only one or two chances to tell a friend that you think they're in a bad relationship or you risk being cut off where you're in no position to help. If she's got DCs however, I agree with expatinscotland.... she has choices and they don't. If the police have already been involved I'm sure SS will be interested that, by keeping him around, the DCs are at risk

Do SS get notified if police are called to a domestic incident? He was not violent, just off his head on booze and pills and wouldn't leave the property. I think he tried to grab his car keys and then threatened to hit my friend. Argh, it's such a mess. I can't believe such a sensible intelligent woman taking on a man like this, it just goes round and round in my head it is so unbelievable.

Cogito, i think you are right. I don't think she wants to hear it and I am worried that things could spiral and she won't talk to anyone about it. I think I have to chance it though.

That's violent. Fine if she wants to live like that for a man, but her kids have no choice and should not be subjected to that.

If she has had to ring the police, I would report her to SS.

Expat i agree. Fine if she chooses to bring that into her life but not fine for the kids at all. She claims they adore him and want him there permanently. Would SS take it seriously?

In my experience no. I've lost a very close friend due to a string of her crap relationships and I can't stand what it does to her kids.

Yes they would. If you said that you were very worried that your friend's children were at risk because of the behaviour of their mother's boyfriend ... and given that he has already had police involvement... then they'd take it seriously.

Pantone363, did you tell your friend how you felt? Did she listen at all or was it a brick wall? I can't stand the thought of her 3 daughters watching their mother take back a man like this and have him in the house with them.
I will think about SS, it seems drastic especially as I haven't summoned the courage to talk to her myself.

I don't think it is fair to call SS without talking to her first (unless you have witnessed direct abuse of the dc of course). You are her friend, you have her best interests at heart. Talk to her and take it from there.

I would even consider that if you are serious about reporting to SS that you give her the chance to do it herself and access some help or that you will be forced to do it. Perhaps when she sees you are prepared to do this, then she will start taking this seriously. I utterly cannot understand women who put a relationship with a stupid bloke before the welfare of their children.