Split and DH getting spiteful about money

[Chocolate99]

Hello all, I have previously posted about situation with DH and it is now official, the rings are off etc. I am looking for somewhere to rent for me and DS as he refuses to move out. 10 days on and he is getting concerned about how much this is going to cost him. we each put £45k in when purchased the house and he later paid £95k off the mortgage as he had some inheritance from his father. The remaining mortgage is less than £20k, which if split 50/50 is £100k each. He has told me that if I claim 50/50 he will makes things very difficult for the rest of my life, there will be no happy times with DS and he will give up his job (he is a workaholic, one of the reasons for split), so that he doesn't have to pay child maintenance and doesn't care if we end up in a bedsit in a rough area etc. solicitotor says because he put that money into marital home it is now marital asset. He earns double what I do and claims he would be stuck financially if he had to pay maintenance! Also says he will go and spend £50k on his credit card so that I am liable for half. Can anyone please advise on debts that he took out, in his sole name, when I am not on any of the paperwork, wasn't consulted about the 3 car purchases - all cars for his own use, not intended for the family etc - would I be liable for them until divorce finalised and if so, is there any way I can do a financial separation to ensure no further debts are racked up by him that I would be liable for? Thanks for any advice

Hello,

I'm going for a 50/50 split. My husband is insisting on an 80/20 split of my assets only...and guess who is supposed to be grateful for the 20%.

There is nothing grabby about applying a 50/50 split. When you are married you make decisions that are in the best interest of you as a 'single entity', which effectively is what being married means. That means, if you decided to have a baby, you both made the decision. If you decided to give up work to support your spouse, then you both did.

If they want to move on, they can't just revert to a two-year old and say all the toys in the pram are mine, but you can have the scratchy blanket. After all, when they decided to take their toys to play with a new friend, you didn't get to decide that at all!

You are as much affected by their decision-making as they are. And that, is why a 50/50 split is fair. I made huge sacrificies for the greater good of my marriage believing it was better for us in the long run.

I just never banked on getting divorced.

Talk to a lawyer, get stuff in writing and refuse to discuss it with your STBXH. Don't sign anything, either. Just say that you will be consulting your solicitor and will not continue any conversation with your H. And if this makes him become aggressive, call the police so there is further evidence of his abusive behaviour.
(Even if he is a copper, he is not above the law and decent police officers absolutely hate colleagues who abuse their partners or engage in other criminal activity, so they will not automatically cover up for him).

Even if he is a copper, he is not above the law and decent police officers absolutely hate colleagues who abuse their partners or engage in other criminal activity, so they will not automatically cover up for him).

• The police will want to be seen to be rooting out bad apples! so if he is bending the law by his actions they will want to know...

Thank you tribpot i had not thought of a credit report and good to know about the cc too. X

Glasgow steven he is extremely prcious of his pension and i have not mentioned it yet, i am keeping that up my sleeve for now :)

Thanks bitter i have all the house docs and copy of his pension from 7 years ago but he does everything online and because we have no joint account i cant access them.

thanks Dollius, yes everything from DS wardrobe, bed curtains, sofas, beds, our wardrobes practically everythin in the house i have bought as he sees no merit in it, he only buys tvs, cars and pizza!

Thank you all so much, he was making out i was being grabby and i was beginning to doubt myself but just want the best for DS and know that the future maintenance cant really be relied upon so want the best possible 'deal' i can get for us. He has said unless i agree to take less we can whistle for anything we need in the future!

Putting it all into an email and seeing if i can see the solicitor on friday and get the divorce paperwork started. He can bloody pay half of that too :)

Just completely ignore everything he says.

Get a shit hot lawyer.

50/50 is the minimum, by the way - a good sol will possibly start at 60/40 in your favour!- you have the lesser earning power, at least partly because you've taken on the bulk of child care- and you have your child to house, support etc.

Maintenance can be taken at source, 15% of his earnings- he can do nothing at all about it.

Pension - yes you will get a big slice. It's not unusual for a deal to be struck here - eg the house gets signed over to you in exchange for no pension claim. My friend had that. She sold and got a smaller place with a tiny mortgage with the equity.

If you can bear to stay in the house, it's best, as otherwise he can drag out a sale, and/or (like another friend's pig of an exH) basically turn the house into such a sty that the value is slashed. They're divorced now and he still lives there, literally letting it fall to pieces. Your H sounds a similar type of shitscrape.

So if you can stand it, file for divorce, get it moving, and refuse to budge from the house. Make his life difficult. Get a bulldog lawyer and tel H you'll go quieter if he leaves the house. Log ANY intimidating texts or situations with the police - he really will not want that, it will affect his promotion for sure.

You have a lot of power here, ESPECIALLY as he is someone whose professional reputation could be affected by this, if he tries to bully. Most of all, remember that ALL his threats re finances are absolute nonsense.

Hi Bruno, thanks for the very sound advice. He is an utter slob so that was one of my worries about turning the house into a dump, for example i have just found 2 giant bogies he has out on the toilet wall!! One of many occasions this has happened... first solicitor said about 60/40 split because he earns double what i do and naturally i will be the primary caregiver, so hours changing when DS goes to school, taking time off if ds sick etc.

I really would hate to stay in the house as dont want ds to be around te atmosphere he is sure to create once he knows i am after the money! But ideally would rather stay as can get some money saved up now that i have been granted tax credits etc and that has to be better long term than moving ds to strange new rental house. We arent in any physical danger from him, he is just a verbal and emotional bully unfortunately. Like many in the police, he likes telling other people what to do but hates being told what to do himself!

Re the verbal bullying,,,,shouting is a criminal offence.

Fact.

Phone the police if you feel in fear

Sounds like your better off rid of him hope it will all be OK for you op.

Can someone explain why the op would be able to make a claim on his pension? I've seen this in a couple of threads and not sure of the law.

I presume when he retires the children will be adult age so it won't be a maintenance issue.

The law was changed some years ago to allow pensions to be split on divorce. This is to reflect the fact that the person saving in the pension has used family money to do so (even workplace pensions work on basis of deducting from salary) and the person with no pension has probably been at home looking after children and homemaking.

Often, a divorcing couple will agree to the person without a pension getting a larger proportion of the other assets, so the person with the pension can keep it - that is for solicitors to advise on and negotiate.

Thanks dollius that makes sense

Stay.

Tell him that you will log any bullying, intimidation, shouting, aggression, and will be reporting to the police.

Refuse to discuss finances. When he starts, switch on a recording device on your phone if you can. 'I don't wish to discuss anything relating to the divorce, and am going to record what you say now as I will not allow you to bully or intimidate us.' (Use US- you and your DS).

Hopefully he will have the sense to see that he will be on very dodgy ground, if you make it clear you are willing to involve outside agencies.

Take advice from your sol on this, but you might want to suggest that you put it to him early on that if the house comes to you - or mostly comes to you - you won't claim on his pension. That could be used as a way to get him out sooner rather than later.

No washing, no ironing, no cooking for him.

Move into spare room.

Let him know that you have been to the GP to discuss stress issues as you are splitting and he is being intimidating. Make him know he is being 'watched'. Tell your HV too, and make sure he knows that too. Create a paper trail, so to speak, which gives a heads up to outside agencies.

If he is a cop with an eye on promotion, no matter how much he hates and is angered by that situation, it is likely to make him back off.

If not, and you start getting the vaguest hint of aggression, straight to police.

You can do it.

Thanks Bruno and spence82. was so determined to move out but now am not sure as see pros and cons for both.

stay
pros - can save loads of money, keep an eye on him and state of house, move along any paperwork, with his shift pattern we don't see a lot of him and when I do, I can just retreat to bedroom to watch dvd - he is in spare room. less disruption for DS - no new home to have to contend with, no moving after 6 months due to rental property not being available etc.

cons - he can possibly try to intimidate me once he knows I am after 50/50 and delays me starting my new life. don't want DS affected by any atmosphere.

leave - house all to ourselves, no mess, none of his crap lying round but on downside very little money until legal wrangling done, until child maintenance sorted out he can still assert control over whether he gives us any money or not.

I have no idea how long child maintenance takes to set up - does anyone have experience of new system?

feeling very positive and seeing solicitor on Friday so get the ball rolling on divorce. xx

I would be very confident as divorce settlements like this usually end up in favour of the female.

When my sister got divorced her ex said she would get nothing, in the end she got a 70/30 split which included the house a good slice of his pension, a hefty sum of child support and spousal support.

'he can possibly try to intimidate me once he knows I am after 50/50'

• I think you need to forget about this idea that the concept of '50/50' is like some sort of red rag to a bull. I know he's used this phrase, but it's quite redundant really, and a bit silly.

As has been said above, it'll probably be more like 60/40 or 70/30 to you in terms of all assets, because the priority of the court is that the parent with care of the child gets more, because they need it, and the parent who has worse job prospects because they've done the caring at the expense of their career and pension is compensated for that.

But that's beside the point. Once he starts getting solicitor's letters, it just won't be anything like as simple as '50/50? I'll kill you, you bitch! 30/70 to me, and that's my last offer!!'

It just won't be like that. The whole process will deal with different issues and angles and he will have to fill out a financial disclosure etc. - there will be lots of, and ongoing, flash points for him to get worked up about. Your job will be to refuse to discuss any of it. 'I don't intend to discuss the finances with you, please get your solicitor to talk to my solicitor'.

Paradoxically, he has more options to harrass you if you move out, I think (barring of course physical violence, in which case you could get him chucked out of the house anyway). He can start making contact a nightmare, will have more options to say things to DS you'd rather he didn't 'Mummy doesn't love Daddy anymore, that's why she's taken you away from your home and your room', and will of course make it as hard as possible for the house to be sold from under him. That is in a way a far more dangerous situation - he can literally bleed you dry while you rent while finding every way possible to stop you getting your hands on the house proceeds and moving on.

Please, consider staying put!

Don't want to derail the thread but going back to the pension question that dollius answered for me what would happen if both parties were working full time and both had company pensions?

what a fucking vindictive CUNT of a man, ergh! sorry OP

and I know I am going to get this shit when I slit from DP too

keep a diary, avoid contact and go legal

hopefully he will find a new woman soon and direct his vitriol at her instead

dont let him bully yo7u, go for 50:50 and make sure you work towards financial independance

good luck xxxx

Can someone explain why the op would be able to make a claim on his pension? I've seen this in a couple of threads and not sure of the law

A pension is part of the marital asset pot.

Can someone explain why the op would be able to make a claim on his pension? I've seen this in a couple of threads and not sure of the law

A pension is part of the marital asset pot.

A private pension is like a savings account or any other investment.

Family money is taken from the salary to fund the pension pot. Money that otherwise could have been put in the house, joint savings accounts or elsewhere that would benefit the family.

Asset division also takes into consideration a possible spousal maintenance. Often, a greater share of assets is awarded rather than spousal maintenance. That is why non-working sahp often end up with much greater shares.

Get legal advice and ask for as much as you and the children are entitled too.
Because he wouldn't be affecting you but the children. The twat.

Wow Xena, 70/30 must have stuck it to him, love it!

bruno, that is more the way i am leaning at the moment, although friends keep saying move out, financially staying is better as will be able to save lots instead of paying £800 rent and everything else on top which will help greatly with the eventual sale and conveyancing, moving house etc. Solicitor has previously said child 1st then the person who is most affected financially which is obviously me, so am hoping that is the way it goes. Thanks very much Bruno x

Fromparis, good luck to you in your situation, are you thinking of splitting soon or just doing the groundwork for now? I did feel v liberated when i took the rings off etc :)

Lweji, thanks for your advice too, i remember you helped when i posted previously and your comments, along with others, helped me to have the confidence to initiate the split. My solicitor mentioned capitalising the spousal maintenance as a one off payment in order to get more equity etc so will check that is te best option. X

I hope it works out. :)

Good luck. Your STBXH sounds like a total cunt.

Succinct but true :)

He sounds a vile bully. Take him for every penny and more. And well done for getting this far, you brave girl xx