This is likely to be fairly long and rambling and I'm not really sure if I'm asking anything specific but it would be good to get people's views on everything if they have any.
My DB has recently got back in contact with me after nearly 10 years, we've always had sporadic contact mainly via email but I've never known where he was living or had any other contact details for him. He's always said before that he didn't want contact as he felt he wasn't a very nice person & he really didn't want contact with my parents. However he suddenly emailed to see if I wanted to meet up and I've now seen him twice along with my DP & DS.
The reason there's been no contact for so long was that my parents kicked him out when he was about 18, they blame his behaviour (which was often quite extreme, physical violence, shouting, drugs etc). They blamed the drug (cannabis) and said that he had changed overnight when he started smoking it. I've always accepted this line, I don't remember very much of the situation as I spent as much time as possible out of the house or in my room. They're very cut & dried in their attitude, it was the drugs that changed him, they did everything they could, they want no contact if he's still taking drugs (which he is). They have never tried to contact him since he left.
My brother says this is rubbish, he says smoking weed does not change who he is & if anything it makes him more mellow. Thinking about it I think this is true as i've seen him high & he is much more relaxed. He is angry, when he talks about my parents there is actual hate there, especially towards my DM. He told me yesterday that for much of his early childhood he remembers my parents arguing a lot, he remembers my mum shouting at him constantly, being sent to his room all the time and her sometimes just not talking at all and then suddenly blowing up. I remember some of this but am a bit younger and I spent a lot of time reading in my room out the way. I've recently found out my mum had very severe PND after having both of us & after me was in a mother & baby unit for months. My brother was about 18 months at the time. My dad says it took 6 years for her to recover.
He says one of his earliest memories was waking up hearing my parents screaming that they were going to kill each other, he went to see them & my dad had a telephone chord wrapped around my mums neck while she screamed at him to 'just do it'. He says he ran at my dad to stop him and my dad shoved him out the way. He can't remember what happened next but remembers telling himself that as soon as he could he would leave & never come back. I remember the screaming from this night but didn't see what actually happened, but I believe him. I think arguments like that were very common but I don't think the violence was.
He is angry about this, angry at my dad for doing it & at my mum for making him (I know, I know). But most of all angry that he exposed to it.
My parents don't acknowledge any of this. From talking to them our childhoods were normal & happy. I find it so hard to reconcile my parents then to the people they are now. My mum is a doting DGM to DS and very supportive of me, out relationship til I was 18 was fairly strained but now is very good. My dad is the most laid back, non violent person I know. I don't remember him ever shouting at me.
There is a family event this summer that means they will be in the same room for a significant amount of time, I'm dreading it. My dad says they will treat him as a stranger (wtf! their own son?), my brother says he will stay out their way, and my mum has said nothing.
It's all too much for me to even think about at the moment, and to be totally honest I don't want to think too deeply about my childhood as I'm afraid there is stuff that I just don't want to remember.
If you got this far, thank you. Any insight or views are welcome.