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Original poster

snooping right or wrong this is my plan

24 replies

spankingnewme · 09/06/2014 10:14

I have learnt a lot on here about how to catch out cheating partners and I am also a naturally nosy person so I have recently been looking at my partners activity on Facebook and noticed he has been searching for a certain person he is friends with a Lot!! Up to 3 times a day and our own relationship has been very rocky this is also part of the reason for my snooping I don't want to waste any more time on something that is goin nowhere. Anyway it strikes me as odd to look for this person who added him a couple of months ago so much so I'm thinking now I need to swipe his iPhone Zen he is asleep and use the search button on that to check what he has been sending and if anything untoward would it be best to take a screen shot and send it to myself?? How do I take a screen shot on those phones? I only know basics but I picked up on here about the search button and it even showing deleted msg's. Please no-one tell me I'm out of order here I need to know if he is up to something or thinking about it before I get in any deeper!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/06/2014 12:05

If you don't trust the man and the relationship is already rocky, call it a day. You don't have to stoop to checking up on him in order to have evidence. It's a relationship, not a courtroom. If you're unhappy and there's no trust, that's enough reason to end it

SavoyCabbage · 09/06/2014 12:14

It's a funny way to carry on. Just because you read about something doesn't mean it's going to happen to you or that you have to do it. Or I would be racing out to buy seven pound cereal.

I know how to take a screen shot but it's never occurred to me to have a look at dh's iPhone just in case he's having an affair.

Maisie0 · 09/06/2014 12:14

Snooping means no trust. If you trust others on here, rather than your own partner, then it means there is no loyalty already. Cos you believe others over that of your own partner. As much as it is nice to "learn" on here, you got to give yourself some perspective, and it does not mean all relationships will end up this way. If you look for trouble, then you will find trouble. I do not know about you, but even some of the threads on here actually affect me even after reading.

Don't go down that paranoid path. If there is something that concerns you, then talk about it. If it does not get resolved, then it is a decision that you got to make about whether to leave or to stay. Plotting behind a partner's back is never good....

Lweji · 09/06/2014 12:19

I think you need to concentrate on what makes your relationship rocky.
Have you addressed it as a couple?

firesidechat · 09/06/2014 12:20

I'm on mn all the time and have read all sorts of very sad tales of cheating partners. It never once crossed my mind to stoop on my husband of 30 years because he's given me no reason to doubt him. Do you have a reason to doubt your partner?

firesidechat · 09/06/2014 12:22

snoop not stoop.

Although when I think about it it would be stooping. To a new low in our relationship.

NotNewButNameChanged · 09/06/2014 12:37

If you feel the need to snoop on your partner, the relationship is already dead - it means the trust is gone and you can't have a relationship without trust.

If you find something, you'll presumably leave. If you don't find something, you'll still be left with a rocky relationship and in six months time probably check up on him again. If you don't find something but your OH discovers you've been checking up on him, he may call time on things.

If things are rocky, be adult and address it with him face-to-face. And depending on what you hear or say to each other, either work at it or leave. Once you snoop, it's over.

janinlondon · 09/06/2014 12:56

If his iphone has IOS 7 the search thing wont work anyway.

Original poster
spankingnewme · 09/06/2014 13:22

Think I am looking for a good reason to end the relationship. I've tried before but he always worms his way back in and it seems like things aren't quite bad enough to finish it! Plus I have nowhere to go without changing area completely and dragging kids out of their school etc. He could easily leave but refuses. Relationship just feels generally shit and he knows it too both of us miserable him bein a stubborn git. Rarely have sex because I don't find him attractive anymore and to be honest the biggest turn off it just not connecting in relationship terms. Too much gone on. I want it over so I can have a loving relationship like some of u lucky ones have

OP posts:
Lweji · 09/06/2014 13:24

You know you can legally force him to leave, if you want to, particularly as there are children.
Are you prepared to go down that route?
Because the outcome is probably the same should you find evidence of cheating or not.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/06/2014 13:30

Clearly you've got practical concerns about location and schools if you split up. What's the set-up? Are you renting? Co-owners? You live in his house? Financially dependent? If you found cast-iron proof that he was cheating it wouldn't change any of those restrictions and the danger is that he'd worm his way back in anyway because it's easier to keep the status quo than go through the upheaval. I'd suggest you get advice on what a split would look like in practice and give yourself some options.

NotNewButNameChanged · 09/06/2014 13:42

You already HAVE a good reason. You're not happy. You don't need any further reasons. You want it to be over, so just do it. Why bother going to all the effort of the snooping? It's not necessary.

Original poster
spankingnewme · 09/06/2014 16:32

O.k I wasn't even snooping just then only tidying up some junk he'd thrown out his car and there was few bits paper one of them had work lists Whitten on the back of a note titled rules for my bedroom!! Ok could be one of his work mates he gives lifts to cut doesn't look good eh? There's no way I can not look now! And I'm not going to ask him and give him a heads up to delete anything. Thanks for advice all

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/06/2014 17:09

You can end a relationship any time you like. No "evidence" necessary. All you need to know is that you are unhappy.

Joysmum · 09/06/2014 18:19

It's bull to assume the relationship is already dead.

It took years for me to get over my trust issues. My DH was very understanding, had no reason to be doubted and knew he just needed to wait it out.

Here we are, 20 years on and very happy. If you told him now, as then, whether he considered our relationship over because of me and my past, he tell you to fuck right off!

It's very easy for the keyboard warriors to assume they know it all from a thread!

WildBill · 09/06/2014 18:38

I think if you start to feel the need to snoop like this, either the relationship is very very shaky or you are so insecure this will end up destroying it anyway. Maybe stay off mumsnet?

Lweji · 09/06/2014 19:09

Joysmum, it's not just the trust issue. It's that the relationship is bad anyway.
The OP seems to want to get out, it's just a matter of finding evidence to justify it.

BramblePie · 09/06/2014 19:18

How do you know who he has searched for?

Original poster
spankingnewme · 09/06/2014 20:29

Because I read on here all about how u can see these things on someone's activity log! Yes maybe your right I need to stay off mum's net if it makes me paranoid but I just feel this need to know. I think it may take some patience though as he's super guarded with his phone lately

OP posts:
BramblePie · 09/06/2014 20:35

I just wanted to know for my own info!

So were you logged in as him to see his own activity log?

Original poster
spankingnewme · 10/06/2014 03:37

Yes on his own Home page click on activity then on the left there are lots of options click more then u can see his search history. Checking phone didn't work got a bloody pass Code on it so I hope he doesn't wake up and look at phone in next ten mins as its currently disabled!! Bugger I'll have to watch him put it in on the sly!

OP posts:
neiljames77 · 10/06/2014 04:25

It's over whichever way you get the outcome of your search. If he's messing about, you'll feel vindicated and out he goes. If he's not and he finds out you've been snooping, he'll leave. If he doesn't find out you've been snooping, you're just left with a relationship with zero trust. Not good options are they?

Original poster
spankingnewme · 10/06/2014 05:19

Nope they r not great but he always thinks we can work on the relationship wen it is bad so that's what we end up doing. But I now have my suspicions that actually he might be lining someone up for if we do split. He might not be but if he is then obviously it's over. If not we'll probably keep going for the sake of the kids(I know that's frowned upon) if we both tried the relationship could get better but maybe it comes down to if we want to try or not. I don't want to keep goin with bad feeling indefinitely it's just hard to make that break

OP posts:
neiljames77 · 10/06/2014 05:56

Sounds like you've both checked out to me. That's fair enough though. It's no good bringing kids up in a toxic atmosphere.

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