Nothing really wrong but I am so sad and disengaged.

[utterlyconflicted]

I am teary all the time. Can't sleep. My marriage is a sham, we are staying together for the children but even that isn't working between us now. I seem to be getting further and further away from the children and my DH is getting closer and closer to them (he's lovely with them). Everything just seems too complex to sort. We live abroad but don't really have a particular home country (Sydney or London). He hates his job and wants to leave it but we don't know where to go next.

I can't bear for him to touch me and feel some inexplicable anger towards him. I'm just setting up a company that pays well for part time work but won't cover housing, education and fees here (everything is private). I am trapped or am I depressed, I can't tell.

Fuck fuck fuck. Even considering leaving him with the children while i go off for a week or month or forever. I am so envious of my happily married friends.

Time to end this marriage now and stop the sham at home from continuing. You are not trapped or powerless even though you think you are.

Leaving for a week, month whatever without your children with do you and the children no favours. He could also use that against you too.

I am not at all surprised you feel angry with him. You think that the children prefer their dad; their dad is playing the Disney Dad role here but you do the much harder work of bringing up those children to be emotionally healthy human beings through good times and bad. What's he really doing here?.

You would be better off apart now; this is also no role model of a relationship to show the children either. Neither of you can afford to show them this loveless role model of a marriage because that could well become their "norm" too when they are adults. What do you want to teach your children about relationships here, surely not this?.

Where are you residing currently, there is help out there wherever you reside. You just have to be brave and make the first step yourself to leave.

Thanks for replying Attila.

I'm in the ME. He's not a disney dad, he is a good dad. He is a nice guy. Properly nice not, ooh he's lovely to the kiddies but abuses me, like other threads.

My mum had a similar life, her life is awful now. No money, no old friends and I can't believe that I've sleptwalked into the same thing. Which ever country i go to, family will be hurt. We would have to go somewhere together as he is a really active father as in puts them to bed 5 nights a week. He is really close to them. I know I' internalising the future hurt but I don't want them all to be hurt more. It's not like I life in Darfur, why can't i be more grateful for what i have?

I tried to leave a few years ago. My mum's reaction: It's not like he beats you. My dad's (in anger): What has he done wrong, and you'll take his children from him.

The only level of abuse acceptable within a relationship is NONE.

He is not a good dad to his children if he is abusing you as his wife. No amount of good behaviour on his part towards them makes up for that. This is like Darfur in your head. Your children are already hurting and are confused; they pick up on all the unspoken stuff that goes on between you and perhaps even blame themselves for their dad's private war against you as their mother.

And your mother's own advice is complete nonsense and your life if you were to remain within this could well become like hers. You want to be like she is, I do not think so. You would think she would have instead said, "Do not make the mistakes I have made" but no. She did her fair bit when you were a child to teach you damaging lessons about relationships. You do not have to repeat those mistakes now with your own children!.

Abusive men use all sorts of tactics in their arsenal to hurt their intended victims. Your H does not give a toss for you or these children; he is using them by being "super nice" to get back at you as further punishment.

You tried to leave a few years ago, you can and should do so again and asap. This is no life really for you and your children and they will not thank you for staying with him particularly if you have only stayed till now because of them. They will call you daft for doing so and wonder why you put him before them.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, your own mother set you up to walk into a not too dissimilar abusive situation herself. I am not surprised at all that you are now in an abusive marriage and he has likely being abusive throughout.

My guess re your mother as well is that she herself saw abuse between mum and dad when she was herself growing up. Any counsel that she gives you other than for you to be getting the hell out asap should be completely disregarded.

You know what, though i think you are wrong about him being nice to the children to get back at me , I do know what i have to do. We have to break up. Where and how will become apparent but just feeling compelled to write it down shows me what i really want to do, but am just feeling the fear.

Your comments about my mother are very, very true. You are completely right in that regard.

Oh well. We become another statistic. In a country where there are no 'singles' only 'doubles'. We need to both work more to get more money behind us, and to live in the same country.

What i really want to do is say Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck and a bit of Motherfuckery too.

Where does it say he's abusing her?

There is not abuse Atilla, honestly! Just sad people.

It's sound like depression to me and maybe a bit of a mid life What next? I don't think he sounds abusive at all. He hates his job you are just setting one up plus living abroad etc lots of stresses. Is there any one country you could live that would simplify things and give you time and money to step back and re evaluate

Whoa there Attila. OP didn't say her DH was abusive. He might be, but she didn't say that.
Utterly, you may be depressed and you may need to end your marriage. Can you see a doctor first and perhaps get some relationship guidance and take it from there? Some El friends to talk over your feelings with May be helpful or just continue talking out loud on this thread. Cogito is an ace support for many of us. Just don't rush, take each step slowly and think things through thoroughly then you will know you are doing the right thing for you.

The thing is, he is now really unhappy too. A friend stayed last week and said that although we are very pleasant to each other, it is very obvious that we are not close at all. She advised me to start bigging him up in social situations to make him feel better but I am just so resentful. However, i can completely understand how i compound his misery. The choices seem to be misery or more misery and I can't sleep for guilt. I'm scared to start talking to a friend in case i become hysterical. I am exhausted all the time. There just seems to be a feeling that if only I can shag him, create some intimacy that it will all be OK but i just can't. I loathe it, really loathe it with him and now the cracks are becoming cavernous.

Talk about wading in and not reading OP's posts properly. Poor bloke!

She says

He's not a disney dad, he is a good dad. He is a nice guy. Properly nice not, ooh he's lovely to the kiddies but abuses me, like other threads.

She makes it clear enough that he's not abusing her and is a genuinely nice fella!

Sounds to me OP that he's not a bad bloke, just the wrong bloke.

Nothing's really wrong but something definitely isn't right.

Two questions, how old are your DCs utterly? And do you mind clarifying a little more what nearly drove you apart a few years' ago?

Even if you no longer wish to be a couple you need to work together to ensure that your DCs get settled. Can you bear to stay long enough to consider a relocation?

You mentioned upthread he really isn't happy at work.
Has he brought that resentment home? It certainly doesn't help lift the atmosphere if there were existing tensions and he started brooding about his job.

That could also explain his efforts to bond better with the DCs. Not necessarily from a sinister motive to edge you out but maybe concentrating on the one area of his life he feels works: the family.

I know it's a pat excuse for things going wrong but our hormones and general health can affect us. I think there's a checklist somewhere for identifying depression. It's hard to pinpoint when things start to sour so it can be a chicken and egg situation. Ie. What came first, the depression or a set of factors?

I think it would do no harm to get a medical check up.

But of course you don't need to have something medically wrong to want to finish a relationship. People do drift apart without any drama. As parents we feel obliged to battle on. Well-meaning family and friends can muddy the waters. It gets especially complicated if a third party hoves into view.

How would you feel about becoming the non-resident parent?

Ok I was wrong re him abusing you but this is still no example of a marriage to be showing your children is it?. Your own parents had a terrible example of a marriage themselves, you want to repeat the same to your children now?.

What has kept you together to date and where did it all start to go wrong really with yourselves?. One person in a unhappy relationship plus one person in an unhappy relationship = two people in an unhappy relationship. Regardless of their ages as well the children pick up all too readily on all this unspoken stuff between you; there is no good reason at all to stay within this now. The fact that you are deeply unhappy is enough reason to leave. If your friend has noticed (and her advice to big him up is certainly pants as well) your children certainly have.

Both of you have to want equally to repair this otherwise it is no point at all in staying together.

I'm in a very similar position to yourself and it is not easy. But I definitely benefited from posting on here and it made me feel less isolated

Thanks for understanding and writing!

My children are small. We almost broke up when my eldest was 2 as I knew i had made a mistake marrying him. We had counselling, I told him it was over, yet here I still am. Probably because I was too gutless and didn't want to take my eldest away when there were absolutely no jobs at home. He would have had to stay here for his career. Now, that isn't necessarily so. However, his career has stalled after a very stellar 30s and he has a revolting bully of a boss. His life really is crap at the moment.

There are no third parties clouding the issue (unless he has one). Geography, parenting and finances are clouding the issue. We are currently very comfortable but would not be on leaving and that is an added stress (and I know a first world problem).

We've kept together because we are friends and I really wanted that, after seeing my parents. Now, I know that isn't enough for me. I've had sex half a dozen times in 5 years. He doesn't want that, I don't want that, but we don't want to break up and fail. Neither would willingly give up the kids. I have a fantasy of renting a flat and him living in it half the week and me the other.

embrace, I'll look up your threads.

The flat might work, the DCs stay under one roof and you two move in and out?

Yes, that's what i was thinking. It means a chunk of money going out and sharing our 'free space'. Maybe if we had a rule of no dating etc.

You've admitted to making a mistake marrying him.

Is this really a role model of a relationship you want to be modelling to your children?. They are very young granted but they learn about relationships from you two.

You should not be together now, you cannot both use the children as glue to bind you together. It is not their fault you are together and it will not be theirs if you parted, you would both probably get along far better as people if you were not husband and wife. You can still be co-parents equally to these children. You are still friends but that could too easily end (you could both end up detesting each other and you feel somewhat resentful of him now) if you were to stay together now.

You are both stuck but this position is untenable and more people will end up getting hurt if neither one of you has the guts to act decisively and sooner rather than say 5-10 years down the line.

The flat share would be confusing and disconcerting to the children. Its not going to work. That "no dating" rule imposed could easily be busted by either he or even yourself because you would not really be together any longer.

By being together as well under such circumstances both of you are equally denying yourselves the opportunity to actually meet other people.

Sorry I meant from a 'when you split up' pov. I would not have high hopes of a non-dating rule working long-term. I have heard of the DCs staying put but their parents being the ones to take turns being there.

How feasible it is I don't know. Money is unavoidably a very big part of life and living arrangements have to be worked out. You have mentioned your DM. What family support could you envisage?

Bizzarely, today is a good day. I took them all swimming and had a lovely afternoon and took the preschoolers out to the pool again this morning. I think a good night's sleep helped as there isn't the feeingl the panic or urgency today. Yesterday, everything just felt overwhelming. Will be working the rest of the week so have had some good times banked with the children.

Donkey, no family support really. Parents in odd marriages and live in places that i wouldn't. Step mother is rather a monster and we haven't seen each other in 9 years.

Utterly, I was in a place that sounds very similar to your marriage only a year ago. Our marriage has had plenty of ups and downs over the years and I thought we had come to an end point. I couldn't bear the sight of him, even though he hadn't done anything wrong. Like your dh, he was a fantastic (non-disney) dad. I was getting more and more miserable and feeling completely disconnected from everything, and I was in a deep downward spiral. The worse I got, the more he (I think) tried to compensate. Ended up going to the doctor who diagnosed depression. Gave me a prescription for anti-ds which I refused to take for another few miserable months. Finally I started on them and I feel so much better. The anxiety is gone now, and over the past few months I've rebuilt the relationship together with dh. He is a very clever man, very intelligent, but finds it difficult to talk about feelings and emotional matters. He just didn't know what to say or do and looked on helplessly as every time he tried to talk to me I was just enraged by him. So he just kept keeping on doing the normal things with the children which just enraged me further and made me feel they didn't need me or love me. Nothing could be further from the truth. Sorry for wittering on, just recounting my own experience in the hope something of it resonates with you. My advice would be to go see your gp and have a chat. See where things go from there. And get as much rest as you can. Good luck

valrhona, that is really, really helpful. So much of your story does resonate. There is no doubt that i am on the edge of depression, whether my marriage is a contributing factor, i don't know. I should start with some AD's and try to work it out.

Thank you