Argh! I am making myself miserable, how do I stop?!

[LadyAlysVorpatril]

I am going to try not to make this too much of an essay, so sorry in advance if that results in me drip-feeding. I have been thinking about this issue much too much and need some outside perspective.

So I have a 2 year old son, and before he was born I had what I thought was a really good relationship with my ILs. Then he came along, and rather than being over-involved, which is what I thought would happen ( I thought I would be gently but firmly fending them off), they disengaged, refused to visit very often, and would really only see us on their terms. There were lots of small incidents which culminated in them refusing to see us over Christmas, despite us having invited them and thinking they were coming, and them living round the corner - we ended up not seeing them between mid-Dec and mid-Jan that first year. (I did post about this at the time, if it seems familiar).

Nobody apologised, but we started seeing them again a little bit last year, we had exactly the same issue over last Christmas, resulting again in us not seeing them till halfway through January this year. This year things seem to be getting a bit more 'normal'. Everyone else is acting as if everything is fine. I am trying to act normal, but I am still a bit upset about how they treated me/us, and I just don't feel like I trust them any more. The way they behaved before was so unexpected and inexplicable - I don't know what they were hoping to achieve, it just doesn't make any sense to me. It's like they were punishing me for something but I have no idea what.

When we see them they sometimes blank me (i.e., I'll say something and they act like I'm invisible), and they hardly ever address me, although they are civil and will offer me a drink, urge me to take seconds etc. But it will be 3-4 hours of hearing about their holiday before a question is addressed to me, and never 'how are you?' or 'what have you been up to?'. I got really depressed at their house today, I just felt like I was invisible. I don't think they are trying to upset me, I think they are genuinely just not interested in me in the slightest.

DH is great, he is very supportive of me, but he often doesn't notice (or doesn't want to notice) the stuff that gets to me. He is very optimistic. I think the healthiest way of dealing with them would be to rise above it and just not care. They are the only extended family my DS has nearby and he adores them, so I don't want us to cut back on seeing them, he gets so much out of it.

But I am finding it impossible to rise above it. I keep finding myself dwelling on little things, odd comments, little snubs. I know, I know, I need to get a life! I am already dreading the conversation about Christmas this year, I can feel myself getting stressed about it now, which is just stupid. How do I rise above it?

How confident would you say you are as a person? Do you have high self-esteem or do you need people to like you? Do you believe in yourself and have the courage of your convictions or do you tend to doubt yourself and need the reassurance of others? Are you gregarious and have a good circle of friends? Does your work give you a sense of purpose?

What I'm getting at is that, if you have plenty of friends & distractions and are confident in yourself and have high self-esteem, you would probably treat these infrequent (I'm guessing) visits as a bit of a chore and their self-absorbed chatting about holidays as a PITA. You'd be able to tell them that they were starting to get boring and pitch in with your own news rather than waiting to be asked. Have you tried the assertive approach? Whereas if you simply sit about dreading a conversation about something that's six whole months away, I wonder if it's the ILs specifically or if you have any underlying anxieties.

Personally I would stop going to see them. Go every now and then if you want but just send your bloke with your son.

I can't see the issue with Christmas.. The past 2 they've just gone off radar? Then treat this one the same, cut dead the conversation before it starts mentioning the past 2 and make other plans.

Ultimately though it sounds as if your self esteem is on the floor if you're stressing about Christmas.

I agree with Cog. These people should not be that important to you. Your husband is supportive which is a big deal as they are his family and he will be reluctant to take sides, as he loves them. I think you should rise above them and not engage. If you are polite and be yourself but work on being indifferent inside to them inside your head, then they can't get at you. Be glad that you are not going to see them over Christmas. Listen to your inner voice. You need to get help with your confidence and self esteem.