This is ridiculous but I don't know what's "right"

[Revised]

My Dsis' son is seriously ill. They live a very long way from here.

When he was first diagnosed, 5 months ago, I offered to drop everything and provide whatever help they needed but she felt they were adequately supported, which was good and fine - her DH's family is nearby and they have lots of friends who have been great.

We did go and visit, travelled there and back in a day, so as not to impose too much and while we were there she complained a lot about people constantly calling to see how he/they were. She felt particularly that both sets of (devastated) GPs and her SIL were crowding them.

Consequently I haven't been in touch much. I keep UTD with his progress through our mum, who still calls regularly. I've sent texts with good wishes at crucial stages of his treatment and I sent gifts for him and his younger brother when he was admitted to hospital but I've hardly called at all. I feel bad about this but also feel that I was told not to call IYSWIM.She hasn't responded to the text I sent on Friday. Not unusual, even before she could take a couple of days to reply. I know all is (relatively) well as she's spoken to our mum since.

We're not especially close, get on Ok but have very different lives and lifestyles and the large distance between us geographically. Before we used to meet up approx. 6 times a year and call maybe once or twice between times. In normal circumstances we would have been at least once more since that initial visit but they have been very busy with his appointments etc. My (our) parents have also said they're visiting far less than they used to because DSis doesn't want have time for them.

I'm struggling to know what to do. I don't want them to think we don't care (we do) but I don't want to add to their problems. What should I be doing now? Of course the "normal" thing to do would be call and ask but she really has made me feel I shouldn't do that.

Can you email or text her and explain how you feel. The worst thing would be if she felt you didn't care (I know you do). Tell her you are there whenever she wants to chat. Does she feel time is running out with her ds and she wants to cherish every moment with him?

And, being completely selfish, I'd like to see more of my sister and my nephews and by Dcs would like to see their cousins.

I've backed right off because that seemed to be what she wanted but now I'm thinking I did it too easily.

I imagine that in your DIS's shoes, I would feel utterly overwhelmed.

If your relationship was not especially close beforehand, then she may be feeling that you are one more person to manage rather than being an unerring support.

What I would want from my DSis in that situation, is constant re-assurance that you were thinking of me at this difficult time (text, card, photo of whatever... "I thought of you when I saw this cartoon/sunset/cat") , that you were there if needed but that you expected no return text or call or invitation.

This is one of those times in life when you need people to be unselfishly supportive. People calling to ask what they can do can feel like a drain.

People calling who stay on the phone for 3 minutes ("just saying hi!") then ring off are great.
An unexpected card in the post is great.
A toy for the DS and/or his brother is great.

Expectation of thanks or a call back or anything- not great. You may feel that you are throwing lots of energy and attention her way without anything back, but that's how it needs to be for a while.

When her DS is better (I hope that's the prognosis) you can have a chat about how she is and whether you were unhelpful.

Maybe try making a specific offer of something you can do, not a general "is there anything I can do to help?" but a "I can look after $youngest nephew for a week over the school holidays or a weekend, if you given me a couple of weeks notice" or similar.

That's part of the trouble independent, I'm struggling to think of anything she "needs" me for. She's finding accommodating all the offers of help a bit of a pain. She has GPs and SIL nearby who both want to help and have the younger boy a lot and she also has lots of school mums offering to take him. She woudln't want to send him here (200 miles away) and I don't think she'd want me to stay with them for a week. If I did go she'd have to tell others they're not needed which in the case of GPs at least wouldn't be easy.

Just tell her by text or email an abridged version of what you've said here - be upfront. You love her and care for her, and are backing off because that's what you understand she needs, but if you've got that wrong or if it changes, she should let you know and you'll drop everything.

Also it could be that a lot of support was on offer when the diagnosis was new, and that has now dropped off. Not everyone is willing to support friends over months and months, this might be when she really appreciates you renewing your contact.

Tell her how you feel and offer only what you can fulfil.

Maybe send something for her and not just the children?

Organise a food delivery?

Send her a bunch of flowers with a note saying 'I want you to know that we're here when you need us but don't want to swamp you'.