Silent treatment as a form of bullying? Any experiences? How to handle?

[MiniMonkeyMayhem]

AIBU to think that the 'silent treatment' is just as much a form of bullying as shouting, beating or anything else. Friend is in a relationship where every time she says or does anything which upsets her DH, he totally and utterly ignores her for days, weeks or months. If he is the room or walks past her, it is like she doesn't exist, no eye contact, no acknowledgement. He will totally shut down all verbal communication and will text her is there is anything 'domestic' he wants to tell her. Any texts are totally emotionless and remote - either an order to buy bread or pay a bill, that sort of thing. She is left feeling utterly worthless and desperately trying to work out what it is she has done, and then has to appease him, at which point he just flips like a switch back to talking to her again and pretends nothing happened. She feels grateful to be forgiven and all is well for a while. This is happening on an increasingly regular basis. I am trying to convince her this is bullying and a form of abuse but she just sees that she has done something wrong and upset him, so tries to make amends. AIBU to think this is a serious situation? The time periods are escalating each time and getting closer together. How do I convince her, or should I just leave it?

Of course it is bullying. And abusive.

Definitely bullying. Awful. I cannot see how it will improve for your friend. She needs to get out I suppose

This is what my exP used to do. He would ignore me for days. Go to work having not said goodbye or made me a drink - his usual routine. It was always me that made the first move to apologise or try and rectify the situation.

So, so childish and it used to piss me off so much. It's one of the many, many reasons I ended this relationship. I believe it is a form of bullying/control. You wouldn't ignore a colleague at work you'd work through it. Surely a loving relationship shouldn't be like that?

There are several good sites that discuss it - try googling "stonewalling".

Sadly you're unlikely to be able to get through to your friend unless and until she's ready to hear it, and pushing the issue may cause her to withdraw from you rather than him. I think maybe pick out the best site that describes stonewalling as a control/abuse tactic, send her the link, tell her you'll be there for her if she ever does want to talk, and then just butt out of the whole subject while it percolates through her consciousness. Meanwhile just be the best friend you can in other ways.

I've just read this and completely understand this as bullying, being in a situation where we've had to share a house with another family member (not DP) who behaves just like this has utterly crumbled my self esteem, to the point where DH, kids and I are moving out though we can barely afford to. The family member absolutely stonewalls me if I say or do anything they disagree with, and then behaves like the victim, till I worked out what was going on. I've tried talking to them, tried finding a way round it and in the end I decided to walk away and cut all contact. I am a very strong, independent and secure person, and even when it wasn't my DP but another family member I found this soul destroying. Good luck to your friend but my feeling this these forms of bully's rarely change, they see themselves as the victim and that justifies their behaviour.

Yes it's bullying.

The thing with bullys is, they thrive on the power that they get from their victims.
Or when challenged they fall into the victim pose.
They don't know how to, and can't take an assertive pose, where they deal with problems in an adult way.

If she is giving him power over her by getting upset about his behaviour, she is teaching him to continue to treat her in this way. Unacceptable for any human being.

Her options are: get the hell out of there, as it will break her down into smaller and smaller pieces OR stay but refusing to be cowed by this.

If she opts to stay and gets tough with him, he will escalate (he has no other options really). She needs to stop jumping to his orders, stop giving him power over her.

In practical terms, this means that the next time he does this, she ignores him for as long as he does it to her. She ignores the texts (tha'ts unreasonable behaviour) she ignores his attitude, she refuses to ask him "what's wrong", she will have to be very strong.

She won't do it.

Absolutly silent treatment is a form of bullying. At least an argument will clear the air. xx

I agree with you , this is a serious situation & it's already getting worse .
I have a couple of friends who have experienced domestic violence & both of their relationships started off with similar intimidation/ bullying behaviour.
He is getting to her quite effectivley as she is already saying that she & not he has done something wrong . You could try & suggest marriage
guidance counselling but I doubt he would want to go .
If not contact your local Domestic Violence Team , they often run assertivness training & are usually run by people who have experienced domestic abuse - you might be able to go together .
Good luck to you & your friend ! xx

NO, no, no.

I would strongly advise NOT going to couples counselling with any abuser. It is easily manipulated by them to assist in their unreasonable expectations of the victim PLUS they learn the vocabulary of emotion without the insight

My mum does this. She is so consumed with her own feelings and the preserved slight or what ever the problem is. Afterwards when she has came out of it she isn't able to talk about what has upset her and so nothing ever changes.

I realised that I do this. I'm really trying hard to change. In fact it took for someone to sit me down and calmly tell me the impact of this behaviour before I was able to see the harm that it does.

Of course none of this helps your friend unless she is willing and able to talk to her DP and let him see the impact of his behaviour and of course if he is willing to listen and change.

"AIBU to think this is a serious situation?"

YANBU but how you go about convincing someone like your friend that they are being bullied is a real challenge. The effect of the bullying is, as you've pointed out, to make the victim believe they are in the wrong. So their confidence is shattered, they become anxious to please and there they are, nicely controlled.... which was the objective all along. To turn that on its head and say 'you're not in the wrong, he's an emotionally abusive bully' is almost impossible and will put your friend on the defensive. So suggest that's not what you do unless - very important - you are asked for an opinion.

All you can usefully do is bolster your friend's confidence, support her decisions and be a sympathetic sounding board for her experiences. So often this kind of behaviour includes isolating the victim from friends, family and anyone else that could offer support.

How old is your friend? Are there children being exposed to this unhealthy relationship?

Friend is 31 and yes 2 children involved, both under school age. She talks to me a lot as not close too other family members. He dislikes me immensely, then again the feelings are mutual but I try to not say that too friend.

Womens Aid have a 'Freedom Programme'
She can complete this on-line.
This is abusvie stonewalling.
My ex started with this at the beginning fo our relationship and I just packed my bags the very next day and went back to my parents.
He had no idea why I left.
We had the discussion that as educated, grown ups with good vocabulary, that we could 'talk' things through if one or the other of us wasn't happy about something.

It sound sould destroying and it will just get worse and worse until she has no self-esteem left at all.
She needs to get out and away for a while. Let him see what life is like without her there doing all his stuff.

She needs to stop doing anything for him when he gets like this. If he is going to ignore then she can too. No washing, shopping, cooking, cleaning, clearing. Nothing!!!

I wouldn't be giving any advice on how to "handle" or "manage" this kind of behaviour directed at your friend

The only course of action is to exit the relationship

Of course he dislikes you...you are a threat. You see through him, he can sense this, you are a threat to his hold over her.

He will therefore attempt to edge you out of her life.

Do not criticise him to her.
Criticising him, will lead her to defend him to you - or to herself ("only I understand him really") .
For example, if she mentions to him that "MiniM thinks that you're being childish" that gives him fuel (MiniM is jealous of our relationship, MiniM is attracted to me but I knocked her back etc)

Reflective listening might help her to tease out her own feelings.

Unfortunately, there is little else you can do. You cannot change him, you cannot change her/get her to see what's happening/persuade her to leave. She has to come to that decision herself.

I would also point out to her that as the children get older, they will see this abusive behaviour- the texting, the ignoring, the nastiness. I would be worried for them to think this is normal.