Am I expecting too much from dh? Could really do with some advice please

[Jemster]

My dh is a good man and great dad but our relationship has been considerably strained since having dc2 who is now 2. I won't go on about the detail as its the usual thing; tired, both working, no time for each other, more irritable etc etc.
The one thing that is really getting to me however is his his lack of motivation to do certain jobs that need doing. He is good at doing certain things but he seems to only want to do them, main one tidying & cleaning kitchen and doing laundry.
I have a medical condition that maked physical things like gardening, weeding, lifting & moving things difficult and so these are things I need help with. He just won't do them though and so these things never get done and it's getting me down. All I do is moan at him about the state of our garden and driveway. If he says he'll do something it is such a big deal. Today he painted a radiator which took half an hour so then said he wanted to relax and not do any gardening.
I'm fed up with moaning at him. Clearly he doesn't enjoy these jobs as they're always the ones we put off aren't they buy they need doing and I just can't manage them. There are other similar things like diy, painting fences etc. It is all such a big deal to him and I am sick of asking him. It's like he can't see anything that needs doing!
I would really welcome some advice as this is making me moody and frustrated that I can't do it myself and it is making me really annoyed with him. Thanks in advance.

I take it there's no money to pay someone to come in and do the garden? Even if it was just basic stuff like keeping the grass under control? It's frustrating that he seems to say he will do these things (knowing you can't) and then bails on it whenever it suits him, although I sympathise with him not wanting to do it, it's a pain in the arse.

If you can free up the cash to pay someone else to do the jobs, I would do. Or could a family member come and help?

We pay a local man £10 every 2 weeks to do the basics on the garden. Would that be possible for you?

OMG sounds similar.
I too have a medical condition which means I cannot do diy, and gardening I can do a bit of weeding but not for too long. we constantly bicker about this because he thinks my requests are too 'needy and demanding' but he won't get a cleaner, won't get a diy man in so it's a no win game. I totally understand how you feel. I managed to have a little chat with him today, but it's catching them when they are not in that resentful, nit picking mood isn't it. feel free to pm if you like.

Thank you both for replying. We could manage £10 every 2 weeks. I might investigate that although would just want a handyman type I'm guessing rather than an actual gardening company?
I think I just feel a bit upset that he doesn't seem to want to look after our home & garden properly. Things are falling down around us and he's just not fussed, he can live with if but I can't!
Other mums I know say how they spent the weekend doing the garden with their oh and I feel sad that if I mention it it causes a bad atmosphere between us. It's very frustrating having physical limitations when you just want to get it done!

Thank you Round&Round, it's a relief to find someone who has a similar situation. Not sure how to pm you?

You can buy a spray thing to paint fences - maybe if you get one you can do it yourself. I have a physical problem but I can use one. Maybe that will shame him into doing something in the garden.

I have noticed things too, bricks coming away at the bottom of the front door etc etc, he makes a big deal it's nothing but there is obviously a structure problem somewhere and we should get in a surveyor. It's annoying isn't it. I am not sure either about pm will have a try in a min

Can you stand and do some weeding yourself? I don't know your problems, but you don't have to kneel to weed; I do mine standing up with a swoe. Like a hoe but you can use it to get deeper weeds.

Or just get a gardener handyperson in.

I think so many women face this problem. How about trying to achieve one job per month? Try and make it a fun event, possibly invite a few friends round to help in exchange for free pizza and a few cans. Or tell him that once that job is done you can all go out and do something enjoyable. I must admit I do understand how he feels. There are loads of jobs that need doing in my house but I really cannot motivate myself to do them. The thing is, the more you 'moan' at him the less likely he is going to want to do them so the more you go on at him and the cycle goes round and round. I think a bit of fun needs to be attached to the jobs, silly as that sounds. It's so hard to motivate ourselves to do a job which we hate so perhaps you need to dangle a carrot to entice a bit if motivation. It might be really nice if once the job is done you all get to do something enjoyable.

I'm in a similar situation and pay someone €14 a fortnight. It's really worth it, the garden is always usable and not unkempt looking and there's no more drama over it.

He's lazy OP, it's not that he doesn't see it, he just can't be arsed. I would give him an ultimatum that you pay someone or you move to a modern house with no DIY necessary and no garden.

Not that DIY is never totally unnecessary - but you get my point.

Could you get the kids to help with the gardening? Buy them one of them mini gardening sets and make it a family activity. Even if you can't join in with the actual gardening you could be out there keeping him company, so it's not such a boring job for him.

Could you claim PIP for your disability? Then you could buy in the help you need.

Um, am not sure of the nature of your disability but are you able to do any of these hobs if dh took the dc for a weekend?

Thank you for all the suggestions. I have arthritis which is controlled with meds but my hands & wrists are quite weak & if I use them too vigorously it will result in swelling and pain.
I think I'm going to look out for local help and just get it done. I do think my dh can be a bit lazy and he just does thr jobs he likes doing. I've asked him enough timed now so think I will just get someone in and save myself all this grief!

I think, like a lot of relationship issues, the solution to this will be joint rather than single-handed. Explain to him the problem i.e. there are jobs that aren't getting done and it's making you feel down, and then see what solutions you can come up with between you. A gardener sounds like a great idea but it would be more constructive if both of you were behind it rather than recruited in a spirit of 'you're a lazy arse so I'm forced to get someone in'

BTW someone who has to have a lie down after painting a radiator might not be in the best of health...

I think the problem isn't him not doing it per se. I for example hate gardening and would never do it voluntarily. It's more the fact he says he will do it but doesn't. If you can't do it and he won't, the only decent solution is to get someone in- he should have suggested this himself.