I really don't want to repeat my mother's mistakes, please share your best tips for a good relationship with your dc

[Dancergirl]

A bit of background - I have a poor relationship with my own mother and a lot of the Stately Homes threads ring true with me. I don't think she ever realised what unconditional love really is which is the most important part of being a parent IMO.

I am now a very happy mother to 3 dds aged 13, 11 and 7. Although I probably don't need to, I do worry about the future and really want to maintain a close, loving relationship with my daughters when they get older.

As I came from a fairly dysfunctional family, please share with me your ideas how to do this. Being a parent has been a huge learning curve for me without a good example behind me but for me, unconditional love is the main thing. Being there for your dc, supporting them whatever they go through, allowing them to grow up at the right pace for them and gradually increasing independence.

I just worry about getting it wrong and they grow up with resentments.

Snap!! My children are the same age and I am so paranoid about being like my EA mother.

I don't know if this is the sort of thing you're looking for but I will admit when I'm wrong. For example yesterday I apologised to my oldest that I over reacted to something and explained why I did it.

I also let my children see me fail. For example if I burned food I'd laugh and start again and accept being teased by the kids.

Basically my kids know I am not perfect something that my mum would never do.

We'll all fuck up sometimes. I try to tell my children I love them all the time. I'm very demonstrative with my affection. I also apologise when I've been unreasonable. I think sometimes I shout too much. When I do, I say sorry and mean it. I think they know I try to be a good mother and that I love them.

I'm in the same boat and worry about this all the time !

I definitely let them know how wanted, special and loved they are.

I also admit when I am wrong and apologise if I need to.

I am working on patience ... !

My DC also spend no alone time with DM as she can go from charming to vicious in 2.3 seconds !!

The kids know that when I make a promise I mean that 100% and it's not a way to shut them up or look good.

My mum is a champion sulker so I make sure that I try to sort out arguments then not bring it up. Fresh slate everyday.

I also treat them as individuals. No "you're the oldest so XYZ " shit

Keep hugging them (even if you have to do it at home with the curtains closed!!**) and tell them that you love them no matter what.

**That's not meant to sound creepy, its just 16 yo DS wouldn't be seen dead in public hugging his Mum!

Thank you. I actually do a lot of this already! Both me and dh are good at admitting when we're wrong, in fact dh says I'm very hard on myself and I feel guilty if I've said or done something wrong.

If I over-react to a situation with the dds, I admit and apologise. Lots and lots of cuddles, kisses and affection too.

It's all generally lovely now as they are still quite young and the younger two are still at the 'you're the best mummy in the world' phase. Dd1 is a young teen and for the most part I have a good relationship with her. But she's much more of a closed book than her sisters and sometimes I don't know what's going on in her head.

Great thread, thank you, have taken lots of inspiration from the posts here. I have much smaller DC - a toddler DS and just found out I'm having a DD. It is so so important to me to not repeat the mistakes of my mother, especially with my little girl.

Thank you, from another survivor of EA parents.

One thing my mum did was try to hang on to me with dear life. She was a widow for many years, fell out with other family members and had few friends so she only had me. In my teens when if I went away somewhere she would often say 'who'll look after me?' or 'what about me?'. As an adult she often called me selfish as I didn't look out for her as much as she'd like.

She often tells me I'm a disappointment. I'm past caring now, I'm just happy I've got my own family to cherish.

I have no idea what's normal in terms of what you should expect from an adult dc. Of course you want your children to live happy, independent lives but is there also an expectation that they should look after you into old age?

zara congratulations on your pregnancy

I would also state that you have no chance of becoming anything like your mother. This is because you also have two qualities that your mother is completely lacking in; empathy and insight.

Given your mother's own toxic behaviour towards you I would keep her away from your children as well as these people more often than not make for being toxic grandparents as well.

Yy to allowing them to have feelings. If one of your children is upset then really listen. Don't talk about their upset in terms of how it affects you. Ditto if they are sad or scared or anything, just allow them to be.

Encourage them and support them in being themselves. My mother could never comprehend me doing something that was different to what she would do in the same situation, and she hated that I was an introvert and not one of the popular kids.

I think the pre-teen/teen time is worrying if you are unsure about these things because children naturally pull away a bit, perhaps spend time on their own, prefer to hang out with their friends and so on. It is difficult not to be alarmed by this- much easier with little children who are devoted to you. I have to tell myself this is normal, it is difficult though.

Validate their feelings about things, no matter how trivial you think it is. For a small child, breaking their favourite toy actually IS the end of the world. Saying 'nevermind, we'll get you a new one, stop fussing' teaches children that they can't trust their feelings, when done regularly. I found this the most abusive thing my mother did to me, it took a long time in therapy to get past that block.

Avoiding my mothers mistakes has been a major factor in parenting my DCs.

• No guilt tripping. (but i'll worry soooo much if you do this/go there/get that, etc)

• No passive agressive nonsense. (Oh well if my opinion isn't what you want to hear i'll just shut up then, etc)

• No - i'm not comfortable with talking about this so i'll just assume it's not going on and be prudish and weird about it all (sex)

• No ''i know best so there'll be no discussion''.

• No this is what i did/think/thought/liked and any other way is wrong.

• No ignoring/railroading when something is not going your way and forcing the issue with sheer bloodymindedness!

Allow them to have feelings
Try to interpret their behaviour, however challenging it is - think about what they are telling you through their behaviour
Allow them to be upset and to have needs, even if you can't fix it straight away
Never ever tell them to stop crying - comfort them but allow them to let it out

You will be a great mum - well done for putting time and effort into this

Yy to the guilt tripping. I heard so many times as a child 'you're making me ill' and 'you're killing me'.

Totally agree with listening to their feelings, I'm quite good at this I think. I try and put myself in their shoes and what matters to THEM.

thena you are so right about older dc, it's much easier to know you are doing a good job when they're little. My oldest dd who's 13 is much less emotional and less 'open' than her sisters. She seems happy with life in general but sometimes I don't know. She tends to keep things to herself and I don't want to hassle her too much.

Dancergirl this may be just her personality as well, my eldest is exactly like this, very self-contained. This can be a good thing at times but the down side is that if things do go wrong, she will let them pile up or hold onto them for a long time and either not share them or they all come out in a big tantrum/upset that is hard to work through because its not clear what it is about. I am not sure how you handle a child like this, the one thing I have tried to do with her is to help her label her emotions - so, you seem angry, you look a bit frustrated or whatever and she is definitely more emotionally expressive than she used to be as a smaller child. I also try to make time for chatting and hanging out, even if she doesn't discuss what perhaps another child might discuss, again over time she has started opening up about what didn't go quite right in her day- although not to any great extent.

It is hard to get that balance between being close and not being too intrusive. I'm not sure I always get it right. Being a mum is hard!

fFor me getting my 2 DD's to near adulthood has been my biggest achievement.

our relationships have been tested to the limit over the last few years but by keeping channels of communication open & talking all the time really pays off.

I found doing nothing with them,just wasting time together encourages some wonderful conversations that allow you to explore all sorts of issues in a relaxed way. they used to wander in while I was relaxing having a bath & have what Dd2 calls random chats.
Oral sex, benefits of mortgage vs renting, who is going out in insert your reality show of the moment were some of the topics we covered with one leaning against the radiator & the other sitting on the ( closed) loo.

I perfected the art of shelf tidying & alway kept a basket of laundry till bedtime so I could "randomly" start a convo if I felt she needed to talk , amazing what comes out when you aren't making eye contact!!!
Talk talk talk, have cinema nights get popcorn, do nails, its your time & company they want & need.

As said upthread, you're already 100% better than your toxic family by asking the question & being aware history can repeat so you're taking positive steps early!