How much do you tell family about reasons for divorce?

[motherlondon]

Hi, I am returning to my home country after several years living overseas with my exhusband whom I separated from last year, after one infidelity too many. He has treated me badly for the last five years at least, unfaithful, emotionally abusive etc.
Without trying to come across as a saint, I have only ever done my best for my marriage and family and any 'faults' I have do not compare to the stunts my ex has pulled.
I have been thinking about it, as because I have been so far from home, family and friends do not know the reasons we finally broke up, and it came up in a conversation with my Dad, something like, 'it takes two to be married and two to divorce', like I was equally to 'blame' as such.
My ex also reckons he told his Mum what his last act of infidelity was and who it was with, but I recently saw a message from her to him, that was pretty evident that I have been made out to be the bad one and I am taking his kids away for no good reason, she hasn't talked to me since we split, so I am presuming he hasn't actually told her the truth.
We have got small children and these people will be in contact regarding them, so I can't just move on and ignore them.
I have got no shame about the things he's done and would have no qualms laying it on the table, I just don't know how to apparoach it when I get back and am face to face with people who will want to know.

Less is more.

Only truly confide in people when you have re-established your own relationship with them after your time away.

How about something general: 'things were going badly for some time then he chose to be unfaithful. I'd rather not discuss it further now'

Thanks Edith, but the point I am making is that I'm not embarassed or shamed by his actions and he was screwing around for last five years at least, why should I let him get a free pass as such and for him to paint me as just as to blame as him?
But I also don't want to come across as harping and vengeful. much

I think you should tell people how bad it was. 11 years ago I left my then dh. We had a 6 month old baby (now aged 11 :) ) and he was an absolute arsehole to me. However because I felt compelled not to say how bad he was I was treated awfully for being the one to leave and he was perceived to be a saint! Even now 11 years on I'm still the bad guy with his family who dd still has contact with. I wish I had just been honest about what a total bastard he'd been at the time.

I think you should tell them. You've done nothing wrong so why should half the blame be placed on you? You really don't have anything to lose by letting them know what he did.

I think you should tell your MIL. As a MIL myself I would need to know. However I think you will have to expect no reaction from her. Do not expect her to comment or condemn him. She is his Mother and will love him and possibly forgive him, but not you. It is actually easier for her to blame you. You should preface your letter with ' these are my version of events.' And try to be factual with dates. Unless his Mother is stupid she will know that he did ' something' to contribute to the breakdown of his marriage. I think you should also write to your Father along the same lines and expect understanding and support from him, though. If you don't tell anyone anything, then they will imagine things for them selves. The most important thing now is to try and behave in an adult manner for the sake of your children. Their future wellbeing depends upon your ability to behave civilly.

Why don't you send your MIL a message (or see her, however the relationship is), and start the conversation as if you DON'T know that he hasn't told her the truth, and instead act on what he told you he told her. Such as:

"I know it feels a little awkward right now, [ExH] told me he'd told you about his affairs which I'm sure shocked you and I won't be keeping the affairs secret, but for the kids sake, I thought we should talk."

She may interrupt and ask about the affairs, she might get angry, and you choose to act as appropriate. If she ignores it, likely she knows about them and doesn't care.

I think 'tell the truth and shame the devil'. Don't go into gory details but be honest, especially with your own family who should be 100% on side. You won't be able to influence what his mother thinks about you so I'd save your breath on that one. It probably suits her to think you're the bad guy, even if she knows the truth.