Is love alone ever enough?

[tigerlily1234]

Name changed...

As the title-what do you think?

I love my partner dearly, we're high school sweethearts (13 years together) however I'm not convinced we are compatible anymore... And I'm, quite frankly, feeling a bit bored and fed up some of the time as a result.

Neither of us are in the right or the wrong, we're just different: lead different lives as individuals and seem to want different things from our future that just seems to be coming more evident by the day at the moment...I want some excitement (by which I mean going out for meals, on holiday, just generally doing things together more, even a couple of kids at some point. nothing crazy but requires a lot of convincing 'nagging' to get him to agree to these things, which takes away the excitement!), he just wants to stay in and 'chill' (which means watching tv/being on laptops not really even talking to each other), doesn't want to have to put much effort into life. I'm just not as convinced it's going to work long term anymore. But, like I say, I love him and it's not all the time I feel like this, not all the time we just stay in and hasn't always been so evident (although we have always been quite different to be fair) so going our separate ways also seems wrong...I might throw it all away to never find love like this again!!??

What do you lovely MNers think??

Compromise? Will he meet you in the middle?

Somewhat, but then we drift back into just staying in, because I feel like I'm always forcing him to do things, which as I say sucks the fun out of it anyway...

You should tell him what you've told us here - you're not being unreasonable. Sounds as if you have something worth saving so maybe if he hears it from you, in one go, rather than the odd comment, he'll understand your feelings and you can both start making some big changes.

Thanks, yes perhaps I should try harder in that area- he's not a big talker either, which doesn't help! I just don't want him to have to change who he is for me though, and vice versa, I don't feel that will actually solve the problems.

I feel we are becoming one of those couples that all we share together is a bed... Most other things we do as individuals, which in my eyes isn't how a relationship should be. But the love is still there, hence the title I have this thread.

I think you are asking the right questions, and for me the answer is that no love alone is not always enough. I think that love can mean a good friend, genuinely loving a person and thinking well of them. But that doesn't always equate into being compatible as life partners, for the very reasons you suggest.

I have found that sleep times, general business versus laziness issues, family, jobs and careers, pace of life sorts of things are also important when choosing a partner.

I had a perfectly lovely partner, great choice, but we lived life differently. I have gone on to be a new age hippy counsellor type where he is a high flying three kids energetic sort. We didn't work and it was wise to own up to that. Now I am with a musician and he is married to a lovely woman too.

I think, you are young, say goodbye kindly and well, try to remain friends but only after a time has passed, and move on and have the sort of fun you desire and deserve x we all do x

Thanks something2say. I think this is how I feel too deep down, it's just so hard to admit and act on it...because life is uncertain and I don't know what my future on my own holds, what if it's worse! If nothing else.

Well take your time to admit it, and often that simply means accepting that you've randomly been hankering for this for some time.

The admitting it is speared to the acting on it, in my view.

The acting on it is all about you. The ending it is for both of you.

Moving on is exciting. You don't be alone forever so don't think like that. Think more about what things you want to get into and how you are going to achieve that. You have to shape yourself as a person as well as a partner, and a period of being single is perfect for that. Your future won't be worse, I can almost guarantee that... Have wild dreams about things you want to do and see if you can bring any of them about..... and you'll also end up going out a lot more.....

You have no children to consider so you could go your separate ways fairly easily, but not without pain. A second or third relationship may not be any better unless you find exactly what you require in a partner, which is not easy. In my home I am the one with bags of nervous energy. I am gregarious, outgoing and I am always on the go, a bit bonkers really. My husband is the opposite, he ponders for months, he is very silent, he can go for days without speaking and has never had friends or sought any. He generally has one mood and that is genial and laid back. Before I married him I knew what he was like but I did not know exactly how it would pan out being married to him as no one ever does. I have a life outside my marriage. I see girl friends, I go on holiday without him and I generally amuse myself and have fun. However, I know I love him and I am very glad to see him when I return from doing whatever I have been up to. He does not want to run around the block or go to the Gym or chew the fat for hours with friends, but he does not prevent me from doing what I like either. I also found things that we both like to do and come together for those activities. Being married is boring some of the time. I think you are just going through one of those patches. It wouldn't be boring if he was having an affair and you found out. But then being in Syria at the moment is not boring either. Settle for the fact that being married has deadly boring patches and get out and have a parallel life.

Thanks both
I do see it from both angles-he would probably see it more from yours toyoung that it's fine to live separate lives and just come home to each other at the end of each day...
I guess I just think being in a relationship means sharing some of life together (I do have my own life outside of the relationship, a bit too much of one for my liking!) the only real way we share our life, is if I share his life IYSWIM and I just can't enjoy it properly, my issue, not his.

So yes, maybe just got ourselves into a rut, but I think I do feel deep down that we are just too different to make it work. But because I only think that, it's hard to know what is for the best!

No, love isn't enough to make a successful long-term exclusive adult relationship. It's enough for friends and family .... I don't know about you but I love many people .... but to be able to commit to just one individual as a life partner there has to be a very high level of compatibility on top. Forcing yourself to ignore serious incompatibility long-term will lead to the kind of resentment that eventually kills love.

Well I do not consider that my DH and I live separate lives (I do things without him and so does he) and I am not advocating that you OP have a wholly separate life. I just don't think you have to be joined at the hip. I had dozens of relationships before I decided upon my DH. In my opinion it was not possible ( for me anyway ) to find anyone who was perfect in every way. Either I loved them and they did not love me, or the other way around, or they were great physically or unsuitable mentally, or they were devoted to smoking or football or they were selfish or I didn't like their family etc. if anyone out there has the perfect partner I will be very surprised. It is all about compromise as people are so different from one another. I have five women friends, all retired, and we all talk about our relationships constantly and NONE of us have perfect partners who fit like gloves. Some are on their second and third marriages. You loved this man once and in your original post you said that you still love him. I think you should exhaust this relationship before moving on to pastures that may well not be any greener than the one that you are in. Being bored is part of life.

You say you might throw it away and never find love like this again. Love like what? A love where you're bored out of your head and feel ignored half the time?

There is nothing wrong with either lifestyle (though personally I think he sounds really boring) but they are not compatible. If you decide to have DC it is likely to make things 100x worse and lead to huge amounts of resentment with you feeling like you shoulder all the effort for maintaining family life while he opts out because he needs his down time.

I think most people feel someone has to have done something wrong to justify calling off a relationship. It is much harder when you have two basically decent people who haven't done anything wrong at all. But if you're not right for each other it is just as important to call it off as it is if you've been shat on from a great height. Not doing so leads to bitterness and resentment and feelings of lost youth and wasted lives. All of which can be much more profound and way worse than the short-term pain involved in calling off a relationship that isn't working.

I think you're wondering if this a premature mid-life crisis in which you're wondering if you've settled. But he shouldn't have to change the fundamentals of who he is for you anymore than you should have to change for him. With that in mind, what more is there to think about?

I speak as someone who has a very individualistic approach to relationships and is about as far from being joined at the hip as you can get. I think expecting to get all your needs met from one person is asking for trouble. But there has to something significant there that makes that person the first person you want to see/talk to about anything.

Have you had the 'I love you very much but I think we could be even better together if...' Conversation?

I was in a similar position with my stbxh. We split for different reasons but the distancing was part of the split. For the past 6 yrs we lived seperate lives and really acted in a sister/ brotherly way. We loved each other and still do, but I did my stuff and he did his. Eventually I got fed up of him not being interested in my life and so stopped telling him what I was doing or what was going on. It was then I realised we were in trouble and it wasn't working.
If you think you can get back what you once had when dating then seek counselling but if you don't think you can get it back then split before there's any children. Once children come then it gets a lot worse otherwise.

Thank you everyone. It becomes difficult to think clearly once you start going down this road doesn't it.

I don't expect everything from the relationship-there are some parts of life you can only enjoy with family or friends or partner, not 'any of the above', after all. I don't want a life totally dependant on my partner, just want to share my life. I also know the grass isn't necessarily greener. I just can't be sure I'm happy anymore, given the only thing we seem to have left is love.

I will have to try and have a proper talk to him, I think.
I'm so scared though!!