TOXIC GRANDPARENTS !!

[Firstlight123]

I (single mum) disassociated myself from my mother and abusive step-father in 2007 when I moved away with my son and for a whole host of very good reasons including the fact that my own childhood was less than satisfactory and when my mother remarried, simply got worse. There was no way I was going to leave my child with them under any circumstances.
They had my address and I was happy for them to see my son but under supervision only. It was the safest option. They did so once but opted to punish my son instead by ignoring his Christmasses and birthdays.
I resumed contact with her about 18 months ago. I really believed that they must haved changed for the better and I was willing to give it a second go for my son's sake. She asked if my son could stay with her for a week. Son seemed keen so I agreed. Mistake. In that time they'd managed to brainwash him because he was a different person when he got home. In fact he left home for a few hours and I had to call the police out to search for him. When I phoned my mother to ask whether he had called her, she refused to tell me! It took him several weeks to get back to normal. There were other issues too. My mother has carried on with this "secretive" stance luring my son towards her with the promise of pocket money (which I can't always do - his father's has never paid a penny either).
I've tried to get us some help. It transpires that my mother and step-father "sat him down and told him everything". What this transpired to mean was that they told him (a) I had been sexually abused as a child and (b) had tried to commit suicide by overdose and (c) that "she used to hang out with black men so you'll know what she's like" (they're horribly racist) and (d) I took my son away and ostracised myself from The Family (which consists of my mother and step-father with uncles and aunts scattered about the country). The list is endless and they continue to poisen my son against me.
The situation now is that my relationship with my son has deteriorated rapidly. Understandably, my son has not coped well with being given this information (which I tried to deny anyway in the hope that it would alleviate his burden). He is quite unhinged by it all.
He now totally hates me and has often thought about ways to kill me. He is extremely angry well beyond the remit of teenage angst. He has been violent towards me also and breaking things; punching walls and pushing me over is the norm. I can't say how many times I've called the police.
My mother is in touch with my son anything upwards of THREE TIMES a day be it phone or text even when he's at school (phone calls are temised) and my son constantly comes home saying "key" things to me which sound like my mother is speaking through him. It is horrible.
I don't know how to handle it anymore. I am going downhill rapidly.
Can someone advise me what to do? Thank you.

How old is he?

Do get him someone to talk to. Sit down with them and discuss what your mum has said and how it makes no difference to who you are and how much you love him....

Get rid of your mum from your lives again. Restraining orders maybe. But make sure your son doesn't think it is a punishment for him.

Don't stop trying to get some help. You need it and so does your son.

Big hugs xx

Thanks Nomama
He's 16 and as such I don't have any say in him making visits to his grandparents. Thank you anyway.

Ah! So he is at that difficult age when managing his emotions is difficult enough for him anyway!

I do hope you find a way of communicating with him soon.

Thank you

Oh first I know exactly what you are going through. Why do we let them back in?
I was NC with my toxic mother for 6 years and then let her have access to my DC as I thought she had changed. Like you, I have ended up with a 17 year old who thinks everything Toxic Gran says is Gospel and that I am some kind of Demon Liar Waste Of Space.

All I can say is stick with it and trust that eventually he will see through her. You cannot force a 16 year old to have counselling.

Can you move? I know that won't stop the phone calls but putting some physical distance between you might help.

When my daughter says things that I know are my mothers words repeated - and isn't t the most nauseating experience? I just say "Oh you sound like a miserable old woman saying that"

I also say "Granny tells lies." and just leave it at that.

Thank you Hamptoncourt (used to live near there!) - It feels so good to know that someone else can identify with what I am going through. I hate doing this on my own.
Moving house won't fix it I'm afraid and we are already some 80 miles apart but it's all the secretive texting that goes on as well. It's as if she directs him, he phones me, then he texts her then she texts back and so on. I looked at our phone account just the other day and all the calls/texts are itemised.
For me, although I am fighting on, I am struggling with my confidence because I am dealing with it day in and day out. I get called such abhorrent things on a daily basis that it has chizelled away my once confident self. Yesterday, I popped into River Island to buy my son a pair of jeans and a couple of T shirts and when I got home he kept going on about inadequate I was for getting cheap T shirts and wrong sized jeans. Then he went on about my being a useless cook (so untrue). It was as if he'd been given tools to undermine me. I get called "Fat C...", get accused of being a prostitute, slag, skant - he takes verbal abuse to an entirely new level and even told the police that I have all these men round. The truth is, I've been single since day one with him ! Grandparents constantly add fuel to the fire. It really is a nightmare. The situation is made worse by the fact that I don't have anyone I can talk to and I don't have a car so I can't get anywhere. I do make friends quite easily but just now, Mumsnet Girls are all I've got ! So thanks again for coming back to me, I really appreciate it. x

have you thought about getting the police/solicitor involved. seems lioke a restraining/no contact order is what they need.

You could do with taking the phone. Twizzle has the right idea, it does seem like a no contact order is what they need.

In the meantime try not to react to his name calling. Instead say something like "Oh dear is that you think or are you being encouraged to think badly of me?" in a calm voice.
If that brings him up short then, again calmly, " you do realise your grandmother is manipulative" or "does your grandmother ever speak nicely of me?" or "you don't have to speak or text your grandmother every day" or even "I'm sure you're intelligent enough to know when you'll be manipulated."

Anything that will help him make sense of the situation. He really needs to see that these be manipulated but he can't be told that directly you must work that out for yourself.

The best thing you can do is to stay calm even when you're not feeling it. I really hope you're able to sort the situation out.

I would love to do that but he is 16 and WANTS to see them because they give him money

You need to teach him about people buying him. He's worth more than a few pounds. You need to remind him of the fun times you and he have had, and how much he's loved. It's a tricky one, I really would have an 'accident' with his phone.

Smile, they are all good things to say and I am going to say them next time (which will be in about an hour !) and Hampton's "Granny tells lies" is a true one.

Yes! As Simile says. He is 16 and old enough to hear that.

You have lived with me day in day out for 16 tears, where have all those men been? Your grandmother is lying to you. You are clever enough to figure that out for yourself.

Also tell him plainly that you will not tolerate him being verbally abusive. That he needs to think about how being called [list the names and don't hold back] make you feel?

Then remind him you love him, you just don't have to put up with his mouth.

And then remember that perfectly normal kids without poisonous grandmothers go through this phase - I think some MNers have said that they certainly did when they were teens, and claim to be normal, well adjusted adults now . He isn't unusual, he isn't going madly off the rails. He is just having a difficult growing spurt.

Maybe he needs to get a job to earn money to pay his phone bills etc? A bit of extra growing up space....

Hopefully something someone posts will help xx

Obviously you need to get his phone number changed as a minimum and talk to him about what has gone on and how you want things to go in the future.

Your mother is a bitch and you need to stop allowing her to undermine your relationship with your son.

Your son needs to grow up and realise all you have done for him and to stop being educed by money.

I know easy to say but you can't carry on as you are.

Sometimes parents have to take something away from a child - something they want - as it is not good for them.

My kids would love grandparents but no way are they having any as the negatives would far away any positives - not that there would be any beyond five seconds.

I know if I took DDs phone away Toxic Gran would simply buy her a new one so she could continue her campaign against me.

Also, I am not sure OP could get an injunction to keep Toxic Gran away from DS as he is 16 and is keen on the contact.

I know how awful it is but you do have to ride it out. Will DS be going to sixth form soon? Making new friends? He will grow apart from her. Think about it, how many teenage boys actually want that amount of contact with their grandparents?

Teenagers can be very selfish, and he is probably enjoying the extra cash and having someone to tell him how great he is and how crap you are. Eventually both you and I have to pray that our DC will see that their grandparents are Puppet Masters and they will tire of being manipulated.

Thank you so much again everyone. Yes, my mother would immediately replace the mobile if I had an accident with it . He is off to Sixth Form in September. He is popular and will make new friends and I think it would be odd if he wanted to spend too much time with Toxic Gran.
I constantly say that I won't tolerate his verbal abuse but what are the consequences and how can I enforce them? The last major altercation was Christmas which landed him a few hours in hospital followed by a few hours in a cell as he injured himself whilst threatening my life. He has never let me live it down since especially as I didn't go to the hospital with him as I was in a state of acute shock and fear. Toxic Gran says my behaviour was outrageous so she keeps my DS believing that I was bad mother.

I think you have to be wary of getting sucked in and in acting a certain way because of fear of what TG will say or do.

I had to call the cops on my DD when she attacked her younger sibling and then attacked me when I tried to pull her off him. She was livid, but I stood my ground and let the police give her a warning that if they got called out again she would be charged and would have a criminal record.

Her behaviour has been vastly improved since. And she didn't go running off to TG, she stayed with a friend. I imagine TG had plenty to say about it, but I honestly couldn't give a shit. I know what I did was right for our family, and I have been vindicated in that a few months down the line, she sees TG a lot less and has been far warmer to me.

You cannot allow DS to be violent and threatening to you because you are afraid of what TG will say about it if you defend yourself.

Stay calm but be firm and try not to let her have too much head space.