Dh has pissed me off, am I overreacting?

[Dressinggownbelt]

So three days ago Dh empties the bathroom bin, ties a knot in the bag then leaves it on the bathroom floor. Today I said to him in the kitchen please if you start a job can you finish it and bring the bag you left on the floor downstairs to go outside into the rubbish bin.
He has just had a go at me because we have a guy plastering the hallway next to the kitchen. The door is shut. And apparently I shouldn't air dirty laundry in 'public' I didn't shout I just asked him to sort it out but that was undermining him in front of (I doubt the guy was even listening to our conversation) the guy.
I've told him that he cannot dictate to me what I do or don't say in my own home and even if I was in public he cannot dictate to me what I do or do not say. He's pissed me off, am I overreacting? He also got my back up by starting the conversation with "I know you nag because you are a woman"
We've been arguing a lot lately and I'm fed up with 'mr I have to be right all the bloody time and you're a shrieking harpy so are therefore wrong'

Well I think Yabu for bringing it up when there was another person in the house. Closed doors do not make a room soundproof and its quite possible the plasterer would overhear your conversation .

He was in the wrong for not completing the job and having given him plenty of time to do so you reminded him. But having done so in the presence of another male he now feels hard done by.

Maybe some reparations on both sides will help you move on?

YANBU. We call that half-a-job-your-surname in this house.

Interesting how he's derailed the conversation to put you in the wrong.

Ha ha.

I think you could have picked a better time to address this when there wasn't someone else around.

Yep that seems to happen a lot sunbathe. We've talked it through but still think we disagree a bit. It's a wonder we've lasted so long we are so bloody different it's unreal.

Unless you were shouting, you're really not in the wrong here, imo.

The bin and the plasterer are almost irrelevant.

The way your DH is 'communicating' with you is unpleasant, sexist and unacceptable. Is he generally very controlling?

I do think you are over-reacting and that you shouldn't have said it when there was someone else there. I also think if your tone matched your OP I'd be fucked off at being talked to like that too. However the nagging comment is out of line. Also if he can't dictate to you then you can't dictate to him.

Maybe you need to find out why the number of arguments you've been having has escalated recently.

Tbh coffee I'd forgotten the bloke was even there. He's here all day, we've got builders in tomoro. When should I mention it? Save it til the evening when there's no one else here and I've spent the day looking at a rubbish bag, again. And yes I know I could just pick it up but I do that all the time and don't see why I have to pick up after everybody else. Even ds had a tantrum the other day cos I told him to pick up toys and he said he didn't want to because it's my job.

No linerunner he's not but he's got a certain view of himself and if anything contradicts that view especially in front of other people he doesn't like it.
I'm just so bloody tired of it all. Thanks for your points of view I do appreciate it.

Try cooking his dinner and don't dish it up . Or do your and any dc washing and not his.

'Nag' is a shit word and it is banned in this house.

YANBU

He sounds like a wanker.

DH does the same half finished jobs thing and I swear sometimes I want to leave him over it.

I figure, if he cba to do a job properly, why should yba to censor what you say and when you say it.

Dressinggownbelt, sounds a bit like my ExH. I had to watch the volume at which I spoke to him in the supermarket, ffs, in case 'people' heard. That was tied up with his ego, definitely.

Fortunately he left.

He just can't seem to see my point of view sometimes and I must admit I struggle to see his. We are completely different in our viewpoints.

YABU to be upset because you were overly aggressive in your wording and obviously spoiling for a fight.

You said: "please if you start a job can you finish it and bring the bag you left on the floor downstairs to go outside into the rubbish bin. "

You COULD have said " could you please if you start a job can you finish it and bring the bag you left on the floor downstairs to go outside into the rubbish bin."

You are agitated so you spoke agitated which started the fight. If you weren't already annoyed about all the fighting, I doubt you'd have worded it like you did.

As for what he said, YANBU to be upset that he's generalising woman to nag. It could be he was trying to be funny and didn't realise it was offensive, or he was being offensive and trying to pass it off as a joke.

I agree with skyadelic.

In this situation you were both as bad as each other. If my husband had spoke to me like that I would have been a bit pissed off. A please or a reminder does not go a miss.

His comment about you being a nag was not nice.

Telling him he can't dictate what you can or can't say just seems odd too. He was uncomfortable with you bringing it up around the guy, which may not be how you feel, but he didn't like it and you went on about how he can't dictate what you can say? seems an OTT response; but if you are arguing a lot I know how little things can be blown out of proportion.

I think the only thing he was being unreasonable about what the nagging comment.

~~Posted too soon~~

After having a go at him (you know that's what you did, you turned a request into a personal attack), he told you off for airing dirty laundry in public.

Instead of being contrite and apologising and saying that you forgot he was there, and taking the conversation into another room and telling him you were frustrated, instead you told him he couldn't dictate to you in YOUR own home, which is exactly what you did to him.

I think you need to analyse why you've been arguing lately. It sounds like you both have your backs up and are both convinced you're right (which is why he's "mr-right-all-the-bloody-time" and you're a "shrieking harpy"). I think you need to sit down and have an honest conversation, not in public, and check your egos at the door.

Sounds like a wanker? Oh please!

If my husband spoke to me like a child like the OP did, then told me not to dictate to him I would think he was over-reacting and I would not be pleased.

The OP's tone sounds condescending and while his nag comment was very wankery I really don't think this little information is enough to say that her husband is a wanker.

Seriously, if everyone here posted their arguments it wouldn't put their husbands in their best of light, or themselves.

ah, if he's a good bloke give him some slack

the not their*

If he didn't want to be pulled up on leaving a bag of rubbish festering for three days, he should have finished the job he started.

Well in my marriage we try not to sweat the small stuff.

I would have reminded him straight away if it was bugging me. I wouldn't sit on it and then get pissed off three days later. Yes, he is an adult and should have done it but I would rather hypothetically remind him and get the job done. As long as it gets done then that is all I care about.

In my marriage it is me who forgets things, not him. He often reminds me that I have forgot to finish something (or just plain can't be bothered) I started and we laugh about it and it gets done. Surely that has to be better than the OP's way? Dh doesn't make a fuss, he either reminds me or make a funny comment about it then the job gets done and no argument takes place. I don't forget things like bins but if I did he would mention it and job done; everyone is happy.

I'm all for cutting each other some slack, and a bit of humour, taking the mickey out of each other s better thsn having a go. Mind you, I expect on MN Id be called passive aggressive! But I do stuff with a twinkle in my eye, DP has taken to calling me The Longhaired Colonel nowadays ("stand by your bunks, lads it's the LHC!")

I do admit sometimes it seems like groundhog day in our house. I have to repeatedly remind DP to do the same jobs time after sodding time but he does try, so thats when I say to myself must cut him some slack through gritted teeth!

One "no-no" is arguing or getting annoyed in front of anyone else, including our DS - united front , otherwise its washing your dirty linen in public as my Granny used to say.