Ex nearly hit me, police called, now wants to come back, where do I stand?

[wonderstuff99]

Hi all,

Partner and I separated back in April/May time but he has still been living in the house, partly because he hasn't found anywhere to live and partly because he asked if he could stay until July to give him more time, I stupidly agreed as I felt sorry for him and things were ok between us when he asked.

Last night he flipped majorly, it was over some stupid thing and I said I didn't think living together would work and that it would be better to move out at the end of the week. He then told our son he was going back to Ireland for good (he's from there) and that he wasn't sure he would see him again. This obviously led to our 4 year old being very upset and saying he felt he didn't have a daddy anymore and would I leave him if he was naughty. I confronted my ex and basically said he was abandoning him and he then backed me into a corner, roared at me and lifted his fist to my face twice before hitting the fridge instead of me. At this, I went upstairs to where our son was and booked a hotel room for the night to get us out. He then refused to let us leave so I called 999 as was shaking and scared for me and DS.

Basically the police came, told him it would be best for him to leave and leave his keys. He did this, very reluctantly and was very angry. He has now text asking to come back to sleep in the spare room but I have said he will have to wait until my sister comes to take DS out as I don't want him getting aggressive again and DS seeing this.

He's been very depressed over the past few months and his aggression has got worse and worse leading up to this, and I know, next time it WILL be my face and not the fridge. He's very mentally unstable and I think the best thing would be for him to go home and get help, he doesn't have any family or friends here as he never integrated.

My dilemma is, I know we cannot live together anymore, it is just not safe. But if I let him in the house, I don't think he will leave tonight. I have asked him to leave before and he hasn't, he just says I should go as I have family here. Our house is rented in my mums name but our names are both on it to have permission to live here. The agreement is up on 19th June so from this date, I'm going to have his name removed from the tenancy so he doesn't have any legal right to be here. Should I let him in and then just go with our DS to my mums until 19th June or should I stand firm and let him in this morning but make it clear that if he HAS to leave before tonight? I don't really want him in the house on his own as am scared he will trash it whilst I am at work. I pay the rent, I work (he doesn't) and our son goes to school round the corner. It seem really unfair WE have to leave to go 30 miles to my parents when he's in the wrong.

Anyone help? Sorry for my post being all over the place.

I don't understand why you would let him back in at all based in what you've said tbh.

Do not let him back in and contact 101 for advice on how to handle the situation. He is a danger to you, your son and your property. Please please don't put yourselves in a vulnerable and volatile situation.
Good luck

The police have said he has a right to come back as it's his home too. They said I could call them again if he got aggressive but I can't keep him out.

But the police told him to leave his keys though? Well, either way, I wouldn't let him back in. Your safety is more important than his legal right to be there.

If I don't let him in, he can call the police on me as it is deemed as his house too and even the police said he has a right to be here, but it was best that for last night, he went elsewhere. So they told me he has a right to come back and that I can't stop him, but I could call him if he got aggressive again.

I don't really have a choice about letting him back in, whether it's to stay until June 19th or just to get his stuff.

If you let him back in you are showing that he can control you and are reinforcing his behaviour - do not let him back in. Even if you take his name off the tenancy it is not guaranteed that he will just leave. In fact that seems vey unlikely.

What he has said to your son has been said, as upsetting as it is if your ex is going to go and never see him again then let him do so. This is beyond your control, if you let him back in he'll just threaten it again and the one who suffers from that is your DS. The hardest part has happened, but he's gone now and if you let him back in then you'll have to go through it all again. Based on what you said about not letting you leave, what makes you think he'll let you leave once he gets back? You've shown him you will call the police, but how will he combat this next time? I'm betting he has a plan hatched.

As hard as this is you must think sensibly and objectively. Of course he's sorry and upset, but once this has calmed down you might be looking at violence and further control, I'd be fearful. Please don't put your son through this, your ex is an adult and you are. It together. Surely, you wouldn't move a lodger in if they had done this to a friend, think of it that way.

Good luck OP, stay strong and look after yourself.

You do have a choice - bag up his stuff and put it outside. Lock the doors, when he comes round screaming and shouting, call the police. They aren't going to allow him back in the house if he's aggressive and shouting at you. It's awful but you need to keep him out someway until the 19th. Failing that, can you contact your landlord and have him taken off the agreement?

Thanks for the reply Passthecake. I no way want to put myself back in this situation and will not be taking him back. I am worried he will flip again if I let him back in,that's why I'm considering going to my parents. So should I just refuse to let him in? What if he calls the police and they let him in anyway? He's just going to be even more angry, then the situation will be escalated again.

I don't want to let him back in, but in the eyes of the law today, I don't have a choice. The police were very clear last night that it was a GOOD IDEA to go somewhere else, but that this is his home and that he has every right to come back.

Honestly, do not let him back in if you are there. I really cannot see how anyone even the police can force you to let him back in. Legally it might be dodgy but in 11 days he has to be gone anyway. If you leave I think you'll never get him out.

Just a thought though - if you leave with all the keys - until the 19th is there anyway he can get back in? Would he break a window or door to get in? Could you (or a neighbour) be watching from somewhere else and call the police for a break in?

If I left with the keys, he would come to mums house and then probably get aggressive there.

My point is, I don't want to make the situation worse. He's the kind that if I put his stuff outside, don't let him in, I'd be scared of what he'd do then as this would make him more angry.

do not let him back in - I think the police are wrong anyway. But who cares, he sounds dangerous. He will only kick off once he is back in, and this time he could hurt you both.

Personally I wouldn't let him back in at all. Why would you do that??

It's a few weeks til his names off the tenancy. What's he gonna do??

Can you obtain an emergency injunction?

www.ncdv.org.uk/are-you-suffering-domestic-abuse/how-the-law-can-protect-you/

I think the police were wrong - unfortunately it is not that uncommon for individual police offices to give the wrong advice over domestic violence. Either because they don't know the law well enough or because they actually don't like women very much and think that it's not such a big deal for men to abuse their partners.
It seems to me you have good grounds for refusing to let him back in because he is a danger to you and DS. The fact that he has nowhere to go is not your problem. It's his own aggressive behaviour that has caused him to be put out of the house.

Do NOT let him back. This is your chance to get him out for good. I had almost the exact sane situation and it was so hard it giving in because I was caught up in FOG thinking I was obligated to him and feeling guilty that he had nowhere to live. I didn't let him back and five years on he's in a nice new flat and doing pretty we for himself. DS and YOU are the priority now. I cannot reiterate enough, do NOT let him back.

I'm sure that the police can't just force you to let him in. I think he does have the right to live there but he has to go to court to assert that right once he's out and has no key. If he's been violent, there is a child in the house and the lease ends shortly that's a non starter for him, however make sure you can actually take his name off on the 19th and you don't have to give notice. If it's renewing the contract it should be ok I think.

He may be entitled to be let in but by the time he's done what he needs to do to enforce that right it will be past the 19th anyway, so I'd let him get on with it.

regularbutpanickingabit Sun 08-Jun-14 08:06:51

Do not let him back in and contact 101 for advice on how to handle the situation.

this
even if the first lot of police said different.

Keep him out of the house at all costs and then, if he gets aggressive demanding to be allowed back in, call them again.