Just been told I don't like you or love you but hope we can move on

[RinkyDinkyDoo]

Apparently I made a comment 6 months ago that really upset DH, he told me at the time I was out of order. We got over it,or so I thought.
Last week he said something That upset me and I told him it upset me. Cue a week of not speaking. Tonight I broke the ice and said when are we going to start speaking. This led to him reminding me of my comment and that he doesn't like me which means he doesn't love me because of the comment.
We started talking and he said it works with me being in the house as DS loves me, DS has special needs,and he continued to reinforce the not loving/liking comment. He said he wants to get over it and " move on"
He doesn't seem to acknowledge what he has said, even though I said well it seems like you only want me here cos of DS loving me.
When asked how he sees it moving on, with him not loving me, he said I loved you once, maybe I can love you again.
I know he's trying to hurt me as my comment hurt him, but he doesn't understand what he has just said to me.

Ahhh. Sounds like you really did hit a sore spot - perhaps he has been wondering why your DS has autism, and already considered that it might be something to do with his genes, but it's one thing to suspect it yourself and another entirely to have someone else suggest it to you! A bit like when you know you've fucked up but if someone else points it out to you then you bite their head off for telling you (NOT suggesting that autism = fucked up in ANY way at all).
However! Assuming you didn't say "oh it must be your side's genes, can't possibly be my side" then he's being massively over-sensitive - he can't get away from the fact that there are possible genetic links, that doesn't mean you were blaming him for it.

Revised "I don't think it's childish to be still hurting 6 months on if someone's said something very hurtful to you"

What's childish about it is that he's been sulking for 6 months without telling his DW how he feels and then lashing out to hurt her back. Maybe now that he's actually told her they can work through it and move on. Telling your DP you don't actually love them anymore though - I don't know if I could get past that. I think a part of me would always wonder if he meant it.

Where has the OP said he sulked for 6 months? Not speaking for a week is childish I would agree. But I can't help feeling if I posted that I'd been really cut to the quick by this comment and it had made me question my feelings for my DP etc, that posters would be quite supportive of me.
Of course we don't know how much this really has affected the dh, he may have brought it up to excuse his own negative comment to his dw.

It does sound like you hit a nerve with your DH.

Could you try marriage guidance or counselling?

Iggi OP said she made a comment 6 months ago and she thought they got over it. A week ago they have another row and he says he's still hurt by the comment she made 6 months ago and that THAT COMMENT FROM 6 MONTHS AGO is why he doesn't love her anymore.

Kids, thanks for the explanation but I did understand all that! The suggestion had been made that he had sulked for six months over this comment (which he then brought up at the time when they ended up not talking, recently). My feeling was that if this had happened to the OP people wouldn't describe an enduring hurt as "sulking". But I don't know him; he may just be a twat; I'm just exploring possibilities.

It was defo meant to hurt and I don't think he realised how upset it actually made me and how seriously damaging it end being.
We talked and he says me apologising has helped him. He said i was supposed to know how hurt he was, but this has happened before, as he rarely shows emotion,I tell him he has to let me know as I'm not a mind reader.
I told him it will be hard to trust him in further as it has been so easy for him to laugh, joke, go out for meals, functions and live every day to day life without me knowing he " doesn't like me or love me"and I asked him how will I ever know, as he continued to tell me he loved me all through this time.
He looked a bit shocked at that, again another realisation of what he said.
He said he wants us to be happy and we need to work on things, he's made an effort last night and tonight for us to sit and watch TV together, changed his shift so I can attend my friends funeral- last week during the build up, he said it was impossible and has just asked if I want to go out for a meal together at the weekend.
Mmmmm, all this for someone you don't like, let alone love.
I've said no to the meal out, but said maybe we can watch a film together.
I can't just forget what he's said to me, but he seems able to 'move on' quite quickly.

Has he retracted it at all? Has he qualified it, said that it was just "at that moment" rather than all the time? If he hasn't, then I think you still have a big problem. :(

RinkyDinky, you've mentioned that he doesn't show emotions, that he has difficulty in seeing the big picture, it sounds like he's struggling to empathise with how you are feeling - and he was upset by a comment about genetic links in autism - do you think it's possible that your DH may be autistic too? Or that he suspects this himself?

I've been thinking a lot about autism and the only possible genetic link I can see is a certain susceptability, because if it were solely genetic, why have the number of autistic children increased so exponentially over the last forty years.

But it is unfortunately normal for parents to think they are at fault, even if it is impossible, when something happens to their child.

Sorry, I'm afraid I'm not helping with your situation, but I do hope you find a solution.

Somethings you said way back in the thread, you described your husband, had me wondering if your sons was on the Spectrum - then you came and told us your son is on the spectrum and the comment to your husband was regarding the genetics of it.

So I was wondering way back if your husband is on the spectrum given how you've described him, and how you have to explain things to him at times. But I'm wondering all the more so now that you've said your son is.

It can quite often be that a person who is HF can go through life not really knowing they are on the spectrum until they become a parent and recognise their child in themselves. Could that have happened here? Is he maybe thinking oh god, I hope no-one else has noticed it - then you said what you did. I wonder just how many nerves you perhaps it.

I have a son on the spectrum, he is very severely autistic. He's not the only one in my husbands family who is, and I suspect his autism's as bad as it is because there's a very good chance my husband is on the spectrum also - albeit at the complete opposite end of the spectrum to our son.

I thought I knew autism but I didn't, well not the HF side of things, and its only as my husband became older and wealthier (and that latter bit is very important) that things started to become puzzling - or perhaps that should be clearer? I really dont know. I suspect it all depends on how you look at it in context?

Anyway, Recently I've been involved in an autism project that has meant spending a lot of time amongst HF adults who like my husband are hugely successful professionally, and its only now I have been around HF Autism that I can say - yes, thats it. And interestingly enough its only over the last 3 years, at the age of 63, that my husband has said to me at time - maybe Im autistic. The look in his eyes when saying it was very genuine.

I wish you well, I really do.

Sorry, I had also wanted to say that if your husband is on the spectrum it could be very difficult for him to move on from what you said months ago. Sometimes there is just no getting over something or being able to move on from it. The idea is planted and thats it.

And just to add, my husband and I are separated after almost 40 years together. We will never divorce because it very much is a case of me not being able to live with things at this age. I still love my husband but I just cant live it, and all that can go with it, day in and day out anymore. My son is still at home with me, I have team of carers who help me care for him, but truth be told it was getting much harder to live with my husband the older he got.

Its made me very sad writing all of that, really.