I can see how easily affairs can start

[KidsDontThinkImCool]

I think I have a bit of a crush on a married friend. I would never, ever dream of even contemplating doing anything about it. My ex husband had an affair (and also because I'm just a decent person I think!) so I'm very, very aware of keeping my distance and keeping good boundaries. But it would be so easy to just let things happen, without even trying.

For reasons that are totally unavoidable I see and speak to him pretty regularly. I'm careful not to flirt, not to make excuses to spend more time with him than necessary etc. but we do talk and I enjoy it. Sometimes he also texts me for totally legitimate reasons - can i pick up one of his kids from somewhere i'm collecting my own kids from anyway, that sort of thing. And if I do drop a child off at his house I don't go in.

But sometimes, just occasionally, he sends me a friendly text just for no reason. Even then it's nothing anyone would raise an eyebrow at, but just the fact that he does it - it's like an invisible line that I'm afraid shouldn't be crossed & I don't reply. But I can see how easy it would be. I'm lonely and it would be so nice to have a conversation with an intelligent, decent adult male. It would be so easy to tell myself I'm doing nothing wrong, that it's just friendly, right up until the point that it's not. Or worse yet, to tell myself that it's ok because maybe he's lonely too.

Sigh, like i said, I have good boundaries. I know it would never be ok, no matter what the circumstances. I'm just saying I can see how these things happen. Meanwhile, I better get back on Match and see if I can find someone single to focus my thoughts on...

boundaries are wonderful. until they become prison walls.

It sounds like you're handling it well. I think it's understandable that you'd think more about affairs and how they start and so on, given that your exh had one.
Sounds like you'd just like some male friends, and why not- any chance you could meet some through a hobby, meetup group or sport?

not sure I understand what you mean foadmn ...?

wise words OP

kids i have considerable experience of having excellent boundaries. and i've missed out on a lot because of them.

So you feel your boundaries have kept you from doing things you wish you had done? Even if whatever it is, is wrong?

I guess i don't see it that way. Fear can make you miss out on opportunities, chances to grow, meet people, learn something new, maybe even a great relationship etc. But boundaries stop you from crossing over into areas that are morally questionable at best. Not just what society says is right or wrong but what I know to be wrong.

Exploring a relationship with this man - even just an emotional one - is wrong. Period. Even if, under other circumstances, we would be perfect for each other, as long as he is married to someone else (and a friend of mine at that) it can never happen. Not because I'm afraid of what people would think or because I'm afraid of what my feelings would be but because it would create pain and devastation in too many lives. It's not a 'missed opportunity', it's just not an opportunity that's mine to choose.

Good post kids

kids - over the last two years i've watched my mother die slowly. i've observed the love between her and my father. i've let my 'boundaries' keep me from a man for whom i have strong feelings and who has strong feelings for me. i can't describe the amount of pain that causes me.
when i was young, i saw things the way you do. now, not so much. there is very little time. love and be loved.

Foad - I'm sorry to hear about your parents situation but I think that boundaries should be there for a very good reason. Getting involved with someone who is already in a relationship isn't a good idea, for several reasons - number one should be about respect for yourself. The op doesn't know if this man is a serial cheater at worst or at best, a man who isn't happy in his relationship but too cowardly to end it before trying out someone new. Not a quality I would want in a partner.

I think it's commendable that the op has such strong boundaries.

My exH's boundaries were terrible & inevitably, he had an affair. He's now with the OW & his boundaries are still bloody awful - moans to me about how hard it is for them, how the OW has been upset about this & that.

He's very self-absorbed & weak - everything is everybody else's fault. Add to that some quite manipulative qualities too - stuff I never saw when I loved him.

There had been occasions during our marriage when I was attracted to 2 other men - but I kept my walls up because I knew I wouldn't want to deal with the hideous fallout from cheating on someone & what it said about me as a person.

I think you would also find that virtually must people who have had affairs would say that the fallout is worse than they thought it would be. Too many people get hurt by them & having to look at yourself in the mirror everyday, knowing you'd done that, must be tough. I know that my exH is not any happier now - he never really thought about the ripples & the sheer amount of shame & guilt that he still can't handle.

moonface just to be clear, I have no idea if this man has ever or would ever actually cheat on his wife. The most he's ever done is send me the occasional friendly text.

foad I'm so sorry about your mother but it's also wonderful to hear that your parents have experienced that love for each other. As for this other man in your life - if you both have such strong feelings for each other, if you truly feel this is someone you are meant to be with then maybe you both need to explore the things that are keeping you apart. If one or both of you are already married then you need to take a good hard look at whether those marriages are working and if not then figure out how to move on from them. But you need to do that first. I'm not saying you need to stay with sometthing or someone that makes you unhappy forever. Boundaries shouldn't feel like a prison - you do have choices in life.

moon sorry - really want to respond more about your xh but have to run out just now. Will reply again later x

my parents were not faithful to each other and do not stand as an example in any other way than of enduring love.

there are a thousand other reasons why he and i should not be together. the big one for me is his 38 year marriage, which he offered to leave, but there are other things that would rule him out completely.

Op - if be wary of friendly texts but that's only based on my past male friends, I suppose. I used to have a few male friends - we were both unattached at the time - and every single one of them wanted something more. Which I suppose has just made me wary of any men wanting a friendship with me. Silly, I know as there are lots of people who have friendships with the opposite sex - my current DP does & I like the fact that he gets on well with women.

I completely get where you're coming from with your post - it's easy to see how affairs happen. My exH was not the type at all - but when I look back now, I can see that he even had a friendship that was suspicious after the birth of DD1. It was most probably an emotional affair, possibly more but at the time, I believed what he was telling me & I just didn't think he was capable of it. I also thought better of his female friend, who was newly married. I was too trusting & I suppose I naively thought other people had the same moral compass that I did. Idiot that I was!

I suppose I just don't like messy situations & I hate the thought of hurting people so I have a very natural innate boundary that is intrinsically part of me.

Hi moon, I'm back now. I am wary of the friendly texts - which is why I'm not replying to them. He may be using them to gauge whether he could push things further, he may indeed be a bit lonely and not realise the potential dangers of an emotional affair...or he may just be being friendly and I'm reading too much into it because of my own feelings. As much as I'm craving male friendship (and possibly more) right now, I know it wouldn't feel right.

That's kind of why I started this post. He texted me last night. Something totally innocent but also not "necessary" IYKWIM. And I realised how much of a buzz I got from hearing from him and how badly I wanted to reply and have a conversation with him. That kind of scared me. So instead of doing any of that I deleted the text and posted on here.

Re exes - I know where you're coming from. I also assumed the people I cared about in my life had the same moral compass that I did. I knew my ex-husband could be self-absorbed and manipulative but I never, ever believed he would actually cheat. Even when he started telling me about his amazing new "friend". It took cold hard proof to make me see what was glaringly obvious. More fool me. And yes, like your ex, it was everybody else's fault. Of course mine wouldn't dare moan to me about OW unless he was in the mood to be told to f off for being a total prick.

Of course knowing what I know now, I can see he is a classic narcissist and they are the most likely to cheat. Oh if we knew then what we know now.

You sound like you do have it under control, tbh & plenty of self-awareness to manage the crush.

Maybe getting back on Match would be a good idea then! How did you get on last time?

I am on Match at the moment, just not finding it terribly inspiring sadly! The last time I met someone I really, really liked was 2 years ago and he ended it after just a couple of months. I took a break from the whole thing for a while and I'm trying again but so far all it's come to are a few rather dull dates. How did you meet your new DP after you split from your exH?

Online - Zoosk....I was a bit jammy though, he was my second date & we clicked, been together for 17 months now. We've had a couple of wobbles as I found I had a few issues with trust, but we seem to be over that now.

It's been quite an experience, navigating a new relationship with 2 kids in tow. I'm about to hit the financial resolution stage of my divorce too, so I'm bracing myself for a bumpy ride there.

To be honest, when I started online dating, I was quite looking forward to lots of dates & some interesting stories to tell, but that didn't happen. I feel very lucky though & I certainly didn't expect to meet someone that I felt such a connection with. He's not perfect (neither am I!) but he's good for me.

Fingers crossed for you though - hope you manage to get some better dates.

I've not been quite so jammy finding a job though & I'm crawling the walls with boredom & dealing with a toddler!

Mn is very simplistic about affairs and life just isn't that black and white.

I agree Ivy.
But I think OP has her head screwed on

Thanks Back2Two and everyone else who responded similarly. I have to say, posting this thread really helped. As long as it was just in my head it would have been too easy to be in denial about what I was feeling. Putting it down in black and white has made it much clearer for me and will hopefully make it that much easier to keep good boundaries.

moon good luck with the financial stuff and the job hunt. I used to work for exH and after we split it took me 6 long months to find a new job but I got lucky in the end and really like where I work now. Hopefully we will both get what we're looking for!

Wishing you all the best too, Op...