struggling with ex

[jan2014]

right now my nerves r going crazy. dd is up in her bed crying. usually i have her in a good routine of going down to bed fine, then her dad takes her for one night and now she won't settle.

tonight when he dropped her off, dh yelled in her face tonight because she wasn't listening to him. it was quite sudden and even scared me. i called him on it and said you don't need to shout at her. wrong thing to say - it started a whole argument and he started raising his voice at me (though not to that extent) as well, and even re doing the shout to show me that he wasn't yelling. i said you can get your point across without yelling at her. i am clearly wrong, she needs 'clear boundaries' which obviously can't be given unless he is like this with her. i worry about her being subjected to this all the time when im not there. don't get me wrong i am guilty of losing it too at times, but i don't think its ok and i don't think its how i should be planning to achieve good behaviour with her.

anyway i found this link www.parentdish.co.uk/kids/shouting-at-your-children/ and sent it to him so i am waiting for him either to ignore me or get angry with me for sending it. he has been EA and we are getting divorced.

Sounds grim. How old is your DD?

EA = emotionally abusive, is that right? Has he generally exhibited "controlling" behaviour? Is this part and parcel?

Or is he perhaps feeling the strain (not to excuse his behaviour, just to try and see where it's coming from and nip it in the bud?) It must be difficult for your DD to transition from one parent to the other, is there a way you can shorten the handover?

Also your perfectly understandable feelings of being upset would feed hers. Can you comfort her and settle her down?

Sorry - that's more questions than answers! This won't be the last time you are upset and annoyed by him, and I have a feeling you are going to have to focus on being practical and positive for your DD and [frankly] not wasting your time on someone who doesn't appreciate your efforts to put him right. Good luck OP.

hi there i am so sorry it took this long to reply things have been hectic, i did get your response and it was very helpful. dd sleeping thank God an hour of peace!!

yes emotionally abusive - yes to controlling behaviour, although sometimes this is quite subtle.

yes i understand he was feeling the strain, and i lose my temper too sometimes, but the difference is that i don't think its ok to shout at her, whereas he thinks it is ok and that 'she needs a raised voice'.

dd does find it difficult being transferred, and she is tired at the end of the day too which doesn't help. it makes it much worse because dh makes a whole song and dance of saying bye to her. he insists coming in, taking her coat off, saying anything to me that he has forgotton, giving her multiple hugs and goodbyes, all the while she is getting more and more agitated. it would be better if he just said bye hug kiss thats it leave her with me. and i have to stand and watch it all - i feel its a form of control. i don't know how to shorten it, i set boundaries in place before when his behaviours were very bad, and told him he wasn't to come in, but since we had been trying to work on our relationship those got loosened and he has been coming in to drop her off. if i tell him he can't come in now, all hell will break loose and i will be accused of being unreasonable and rude.

you are right i just need to focus on being practical and positive with dd. i have an appointment with the solicitor soon and she will tell me what my rights are as far as contact is concerned - i want to get a more consistent time for her so her contact isn't changing every week because of his shift work. i was going to push for more contact as he doesn't see her much, mostly because i am struggling and need more help, but have decided against that, because i don't want her spending more time with someone that is shouting her her face, and has a really bad attitude... plus if he wanted to see her more he would have sorted it out.

Hi again, must be really difficult but I can see you are thinking things through, good luck!

Diarise any upsets or distress at handovers.

There is no need for a prolonged farewell. He has just had DD for some time. It would help if it were possible to do handovers at a neutral place but that's not always possible.

Make any face to face contact as brief as possible. Stick to short dull replies, just enough to stay civil - don't get reeled into a debate.

When he puts you on the spot about something to do with DD (or money or whatever), say "Let's cover that in an email", and end the conversation.

Best never defend your own actions nor explain why you've done anything! Never respond to anything you don't need to.

great advice thankyou

Oh lord, sounds like my ex! Right down to the protracted and emotional farewells. i don't know your dd's age, but one thing that helps a lot is for us to avoid direct handovers - it's much better when one of us drops off dd at school or nursery and the other one collects her. Even if your dd is currently too young for this, it may become possible later.

It's okay to acknowledge to your dd that it's hard for her to go from one parent to another - my dd went through a stage of being very angry at me when I put her to bed at night. She'd literally physically attack me (she was about 4) It was hard, but it got better.

I'm glad you've dropped your idea about pushing for more contact. I know what it's like to fret about my dd's welfare when she's with her dad. In the end, it wasn't as bad as my more lurid imaginings.

It's hard, but you will get through this.