Feeling Alone

[bacchanalwoman]

I live with my DP and two DSDs 10 and 8, I love them dearly. However this has been a massive change of life style for me. We live in village where DP has been for 10 years, having moved countries for uni and around the UK for career my friends are scattered. Now I have this life I have no one but them. So when DP pops off to the pub with mates, I really should not mind but I hate it. It always causes conflict as he senses my mood. I feel guilty. DP has given up most of his business as the girls were placed into his care two years ago unexpectedly. He does school run, manages the house and cooking, I work, support him in Looking after the girls, housework and all the other family stuff but he is primary carer and business man. He finds it hard and it's still a shock, but we love them. Yet I feel so isolated here when he's not around I really feel it! A few hours entertaining kids wears thin and I want adult company, but apart from DP and his mates who are very kind to me there's no one. He's out tonight, he didn't mention it till the last minute probably to avoid me getting upset. He met me as a very independent woman living in the city who he now has to be both best and most of the time only friend to. That's not the person I want to be but my closest girlfriend is miles away with her own life and all my old mates! I miss socialising with like minded liberal interesting people. I'm just lonely on a Saturday night drinking a glass of wine and doing work at my computer because I have nothing else to do! I don't want to make DP feel bad again but I don't even know how to start making friends again.

Can you cut back your hours somehow so you get involved in the school run? This is the easy and natural way to meet local mums (therefore couples and families). it's quite hard to make your way in otherwise if you're at work and have no contact with anyone local. Failing that, find out what's going on socially in the village and volunteer to help out - having a role in a social event is a good way to get to know people because people find it easier to strike up a friendship if you have a 'title' eg (wo)manning a stall - you'll get to know the team, and working together towards a common purpose is a good way to bond with people. And you'll join everyone in the pub after the event.

But if DP knows everybody, then why hasn't he arranged some couples nights? No matter, arrange them yourself then you'd get to know his friends' wives/partners (and kids).

Am I misunderstanding?, is this a recent move or have you lived in the village for 10 years?

When did you give up your career in the city?

It's quite clear in the OP, StillStaying. Her husband has lived in the village for 10 years, OP had a job in the city.

Perhaps get this moved to Relationships or Chat, OP (AIBU isn't usually the friendliest of places though sometimes it surprises itself ) xx

Thanks both. DP has lived here for 10 years. I haven't given job up just moved locations. I have been here for 18 months.

Changing hours per say might be possible, I manage my own to a degree it's just a trek to work. I detect some minor curiosity from the local moms as I'm younger than my DP and they would have known the children's mom when they were very small, she was the same age as DP- but I'm sure they'll get over it.

So does that mean you're wary about making contact with the locals because you think they may not accept you because of your husband's last wife? re how did your husband's marriage end?

I think you'll get out of it what you put in, it has to be a project with strategies eg being proactive about it, it won't come to you.

I agree - get yourself involved through school and community events. Also, it sounds to me like your DP is being pretty insensitive. Why on earth isn't he organising some couple events. And why is he scooting off to the pub on his own - why don't you go with him?

Is there a local guide/brownie group or scout maybe? As a leader I know we are always in need of extra adults!!! And the social side is brill

PGe doesn't always leave me out, but inevitably there are times when he wants to catch up with mates- which is fine-without the kids. He's perfectly happy if I want to do the same but problem is I don't have any here. We go out into the local fairly often but I haven't clicked with anyone.

I wasn't around when DP split with the EX if that's how it appears- his last relationship ended badly, she has some issues hence we have the children. Babysitters are rare.

Local scout group that's a good idea! There is one and a massive waiting list for the kids to get in because they need leaders. Good idea, thanks. I'm getting the hang of being mom very slowly!

Hi all,

We're moving this thread to our Relationships topic, at the OP's request.

I am sure the scouts would love you for offering!! And you might find that once the other parents see you getting involved they may also thaw towards you.

Ime small villages tend to be very wary of anyone who lives there but doesn't involve themselves in the life (although some make it very difficult for outsiders). Definitely try and make time to do the odd school run and perhaps try and arrange some play dates for the younger girl if there is a good local park or play centre synthetic you can meet parents for coffee whole the kids play

Thank you. I hope they do. It's quite isolating in a small village, it's not the done thing to nip to the local alone. Incidentally DP arranged for one of the other moms to have the kids for two hours and came back for me which is why I hadn't replied last night. I hD no ideA It was very sweet as were his friends, but it would feel much better to have my own. I know they realise I'm not always pleased when they invite DP out, but I'm always gracious about it.

So, again, why hasn't DP arranged some couples nights out, or invited a couple/s for dinner? He's the one who's established there, he could've helped out with your integration into the village.

And, how come he's the one who gets to go out and you don't? And wouldn't you be agreeing together the times he/you go out, not springing it on you just before the event. He's not a single man any more, he has a partner and kids at home, he can't just do what he likes.

Just saying.

It's sounding a bit 'her indoors' (cooking, cleaning, childcare) and the lads go out for a pint kind of culture.

I live in a tiny village with only a few women in it who suit me. I advertised in a local free paper and started a Book Club. We go out at night and meet in each other's homes. Ten women came to the first meeting and years later it is still going strong. Playing any sort of game/ badminton etc is good. Going on a counselling course is good for meeting people. organise your own walking group during the week. You could walk during the day. Organise a running group. Keeping fit is always close to young persons hearts. Advertise for exercise mates. There is loads you can do to make friends. The local library will have a list of organisations and places to volunteer. Sitting at home moping is the last place that you are going to find a friend.

Thanks toyoungtodie. Springydaffs DP does most of the childcare, he runs a business from home. Hence I felt a little guilty complaining. My dinner is on the table when I get in, the children are fed and entertained- he cleans etc so it would not be fair to say 'her indoors' my issue is not with DP. As for "couples evenings" I go out with DP and his friends, they're not in relationships or their partners do t socialise with us. They are all lovely to me the guys, but as I said I'd like my own friends.

There's no issue with me going out and leaving DP in- but unless I arrange to visit friends who live far away overnight I'm frustrated that there's no one to just have a glass of wine and a catch up with!

then it's full steam ahead with Project Find A Friend/s! Some good suggestions on here - what do you think of them?

But you have a lot to deal with: suddenly you're living out in the sticks (when you were happily living a city life with all the perks of that), you're suddenly a resident 'parent' (how do you feel about that?), the kids are probably all over the place, missing their mum and the life they knew (how do they feel about you?). DP is perfectly happy, settled and established, whereas you are not - how do you feel about that, aside from wanting friends... Are you depressed?

hello suggest you could try starting a knit n natter club, ask pub if you can use a corner on one of their quiet nights. Put up some posters with time, date, venue. Suggest knitters, sewers, crafters, its a good excuse for mums to get out of the house. Once you have made some friends you can plan coffee mornings, raise money for charity etc> some villages have village halls that are under utilised too - GOOD LUCK you never know what it might lead onto in the future and you may help lots of other people too who are in the same situation...