Acquaintance has started leaving gifts for me WWYD?

[KBabs]

hi there I'd really like to tap the MN collective wisdom on this situation that started about 2 weeks ago.

There is a bloke who comes into the neighbourhood pub for the past year. He is socially awkward but seems to be fairly harmless and hasn't been a cause for concern. The pub is quite a friendly place with mainly regulars and he is quite well known so not an absolute random stranger.

I don't go out of my way to speak to him much as he is hard work to engage with and tends to talk in a monologue at people. He is aware that I am in a relationship but I don't think he has actually met my partner the times we have both been in together. A few people keep saying that he is lonely and one time he did say that he had a girlfriend whom he had met at work and people were encouraging him to bring her down to the pub.

I've noticed in the past 6 weeks his behaviour has changed, he has started to buy new clothes (he is in his late 50's) and has started buying lots of things.

2 weeks ago he bought in a cup cake for me (this was totally unexpected, no reason for him to do so) he left it with the bar staff to give me but left before they handed it over. There was a rambling note with it indicating it was from him which did not make a great deal of sense to me or any context. I thought it was his birthday and that he had given everyone a cake but apparently no.

I took the cake home, mentioned it to my other half. Decided not to eat it!

I've been away with my work for 2 weeks since then, I've not been in. I popped in yesterday to meet some friends who are regulars there for a quick pint. The bar staff mentioned there was a "present" for me. They did not mention whom it was from, I think they thought it was "funny"
It was a jar of Dead Sea Bath Salts and wasn't it a coincidence that this chap has said he's just come back from Israel.

Again, he was not in the pub. I don't think he is dangerous/a perv but is there a bit of a trend developing? I want to nip it in the bud. Do I return the gift or just chuck it and tell him to stop getting me "stuff".

Any suggestions? I don't want to stop going to my neighbourhood bar but I now do feel a bit "projected on". I'm not afraid to speak to him about it but not sure what to say or not to say/do and indeed whether he will take it on board and desist. I do know he likes going there and likes the people there but I don't want this to get out of control or nasty.

However, my spidey senses are really going, I am a friendly outgoing chatty person but I am defo sure I've not given him any reason to think that I am "available" or interested in him. Writing that makes me cringe!

I would say "Thanks for the gifts, but I am in a relationship and I feel a bit uncomfortable accepting them from you." Also, you could ask the bar staff to mention it to him in passing that you are married, something like, "You have a gift for KBabs? She was in here with her partner yesterday..." Keep it light and brief. No need to rub it in.

I don't see any reason why it should end up nasty, but it would be best to nip it in the bud quickly and make it clear that you are not interested. It would be good if he saw you and your partner together some time too.

I would say, you need to be seen by him with your partner.

I wouldn,t even accept the gifts from the staff.
Or mention anything to him.

That way, you are already engaging in it.

"Present? What? Oh I,m sure the charity shop would love it"...

Flatbelly, why "need to be seen with partner"?

Great advice for single women...

Simply to get the message across to him you are in a loving relationship.

Sonjadog has it. Letting him down gently, but not too gently! Don't make him think you'd go out with him, if only you weren't already with someone.

I d just change my pub, I just couldnt be doing with it.

I would tell him not to send anymore gifts. And ask the bar staff not to accept any more.

It does make me giggle that this is in relationships. Almost lile his not so subtle approach is working its magic....

I had a similar thing as a teenager with an older bloke. I tried being nice but in the end I had to get the police to tell him to leave me alone. It got very creepy.

I would try telling him, firmly, that you don't feel comfortable accepting presents and please don't give you anything else. If he doesn't stop, tell him to fuck off.

Yes, just say that you would prefer him not to give you presents as it makes you feel awkward. If he is a nice man, he will stop the behaviour. If he doesn't, then refuse to accept them. Be firm but polite and calm. If he starts doing anything else inappropriate and won't stop even after being told to, it's fine to report him to the police.
Giving someone gifts when they have asked you to stop is harassment and legally recognised as such, even when the gifts are pleasant things - if they are unwelcome, then it's unacceptable to give them.

thank you to everyone who has replied so far with useful advice and insights. It has supported my resolve. I went in yesterday evening with my OH but the chap wasn't in when we were in there together.

Regarding bringing in my OH or other "bloke" to reinforce the message to him that I am "unavailable" (which is a bit like 'my dad is bigger than your dad' type tactic and a bit cringeworthy IHMO!) I do recall now about 2 months ago I was in there chatting with a male friend and noticed this chap saw me and left the pub pretty rapidly, without saying "hello" but not sure if that was just a coincidence....

I am not planning to go back down to the pub to meet friends until next weekend so shall see how that goes. If I see him I shall try and have a quiet, polite but firm word with him about the awkwardness of receiving/accepting gifts, as suggested to see how that goes.

I know the bar owner/bar staff manager so I am sure can have a quiet word with them if any more "gifts" are sent my way. They are pretty supportive and keen to ensure their watering hole is female friendly as well welcoming all people coming in on their own.

My anxiety about this probably stems from having been stalked about 20 years ago which lasted about a year by a complete stranger in two cities (the one where I worked and where I lived and I was single and living on my own) and had to get the police involved .

yep, posting in relationships might have been an ironic place to post my dilemma but I didn't think I was being unreasonable IYSWIM!

YANU to be anxious, these situations can and do escalate! You just have a good radar for it now, after your horrible experience.

But he's not actually given you anything has he- it's the bar staff facilitating this. Why not just tell them it makes you uncomfortable and if he asks them to pass anything else to you - they refuse.

I agree you should nip it in the bud: these things can escalate, and he may be reading your silence as compliance?

Like others have said, get others involved. Bar staff, have a word with him saying you definitely aren't interested, no hints about "because I have a partner".

Also, you don't need to feel embarassed about embarassing him? It is inappropriate what he is doing.

If you have to get others involved and he is too embarassed to come into the pub again, then do so.

You aren't his social reputation protector, as women we're sometimes conditioned to put others feelings first, but he IS being weird and creepy and there's nothing wrong with labelling him as such.

Well, there is a general cultural perception that a man leaving or sending gifts (as long as they are things like sweets or flowers rather than a packet of incontinence pants with a ribbon tied round, or a dead mouse, or a bloodstined carving knife or somethig) is 'romantic'. So a polite word, either with him or with the bar staff to the effect that you don't want any, thanks, should be enough. If he persists, then it's time to treat him as a potential enemy and maybe have a word with the police.