what is wrong with him?

[secretsadness]

I'm disabled, partner isn't, dd has history of anxiety. I am totally dependent on him inc using bath & toilet. dp is 'heroic carer', likes couple of cans/half bottle of wine in the evening, is constantly tired. He knows I dislike him drinking alone because my mother was an alcoholic. Despite this we get on well, enjoy many of same things. Much more time is spent on his priorities, but that is tolerably OK
the problem is his total lack of physical affection, not just to me, to dd too. Eg if either of us is upset & crying, he just stands and watches or asks lots of detailed questions which we are too distressed to answer. He sometimes actually walks out of the room, whereas I would instinctively put my arm round someone who was visibly upset.This behaviour seems completely bizarre to me. This also includes sex; I got so fed up with always being the one to initiate it that I stopped over 3 years ago, 2years ago my disability stopped us from sharing a bed, 6 months ago we got one we could share but haven't. Hence no sex for over 3 years. I've mentoned several times how much I miss and need physical affection and sex, he agrees - but nothing happens.
it is having a corrosive effect on our relationship; I am really angry with him because he doesn't seem that bothered by it.
Any ideas?
Thanks

He sounds exhausted and fed up.

I second expat, this doesn't really sound like a healthy relationship op.

Is there any way you could get outside help in instead of dp being relied on for all caring?

he works (quite light duties) 3 mornings a week and I have assistants in then. I've suggested getting them to do more hours so he could have free time but he never takes it up. Quite often I sit on my own while he sleeps or reads for a few hours (sometimes up to 6hrs) He goes out alone maybetwo or three times a month but is rarely alone in the house.

These problems existed before I became this disabled, but it was less obvious, because I could initiate eg hugs more easily. Eg when I could still walk, I started talking about lack of sex and he asked me if I masturbated. I'm still not sure if he genuinely thought that was a reasonable solution

Sounds as though he is depressed/exhausted.

Has he always been reticent with regard to physical expressions of affection?

yes, he has

I think both of us have got into a passive aggressive situation, but I think more so him. I think he is a bit of a sulker, whereas I prefer a proper row with snot and shouting followed by a shag to make up

maybe we are emotionally incompatible
it's such hard work, which I resent

It doesn't sound like much of a relationship. I wonder if he feels that he doesn't love you in a romantic/sexual sense but doesn't want to leave you because he thinks you need him (in a carer capacity).

It's true that people vary a lot in how much physical affection they need from others: some are very huggy and tactile and others are more reserved and neither type is actually wrong.
If you ended the relationship and he moved out, would you be able to cope? Would you be able to access necessary care?

Sadly, once an element of care enters a marriage the sexual and romantic side can go as the carer starts to feel more like a carer than anything else. There is also the fact the persons disability can put the other person off any kind of physical relationship with their partner because its stops them from fancying them.

Its an awful situation for both of those in the relationship.

this has been going on before my disability became serious. Obviously, I've considered the points made here as possible reasons, but I really don't think it's the main issue. It is more his non-tactile, unemotional lack of expression. I could make up the deficit more easily before, now I resent it too much. I know if this doesn't change soon, he will become just my carer. Which he SAID he doesn't want. But does nothing about. I've considered splitting up over it, though I don't want to, but the practicalities are prohibitive

so what should I do?
any suggestions welcome
thanks

arse - was meant to be anonymous
oh, well

I honestly don't know what to suggest to you, but I do feel for you very much.

My beloved stepdad was my mums carer, he was also a lot younger than her, and it used to hurt me an awful lot to see my mum not feeling womanly and him going through the motions at times of 'wanting' her so to speak.

She is dead now and has been for a long time and no one could have looked after her better than he did, but it was very hard at times for both of them at times in certain respects.

I can't really say anymore than that because its still very raw even for him, years after her death. Sometimes he will say to me - I really do wish I could have more often than I did. We talk a lot, me and him.

And for what its worth - I have no idea who you are. :)

Hi Julia, sorry to hear things are tough for you, it sounds like a very sad situation to be in, I'll give you a {{hug}}

More questions than answers I'm afraid, Has he always had a lower sex drive than you? How long have you been together? Does he have some reason, psychological or physical, an issue of his own that might mean he tries to avoid sex? Did he know about your condition when you met? I'm just trying to understand better.

From your first post I also thought he sounded exhausted. That he hasn't taken the opportunity to get the assistants in more doesn't necessarily mean he isn't, sometimes it is possible to be to tired to make any changes at all. I have seen similar situations a number of times in my own family and in those of my friends.

Could you take the initiative to arrange for more time with assistants? Then maybe increase the amount of time you spend together as a couple when caring is not the main activity? I know this improved my parents relationship immensely.

thanks all

no, I had no symptoms when we met. Yes, his sex drive is lower; don't think there's a particular reason, think we are both angry about the situation but hard t tell as we don't discuss it

thanks for the hug
extra assistants may be good; I'll try it.
Thanks everyone
xxx

Julia, do you get Direct Payments? If not, is it something you could enquire about?

yes, already get thanks

ah, ok :)