Can I lose this resentment?

[neverrainsitpours]

Hello, this is my first post, hopefully not too drawn out but I am at my wits end and don't know what to do.

Me and DW have been together 13 years and married 10, DSS was 8, now 21 and still living at home, DD is 7. Like most couples we occasionally argue, never usually that badly and can count the number of big ones on one hand.

Until the last one (probably over a year ago now) I was quite happy, but during the argument got told that 'I never do anything and always think about myself and never anyone else'. It hit me for six, I felt that I had given everything I could and didn't know where the comment came from. I thought I had been a good STBDH/DH, when we moved in together my salary had to cover the losses from the lack of WFT credit, which I didn't bat an eyelid to. I taught DSS to ride a bike/skate/swim, got him through his exams all the normal dad things. When DW fell pregnant with DD she wanted to give up working so she would have time with her. We talked about it and I also thought it was important so we tightened our belts so my wages would cover it, I gave up my pasttimes to make sure we could do it properly.

Later DW said that she had said it in the heat of the moment and didn't mean it but I just can't seem to let go. It has got to the stage where I just don't have any empathy with her, I don't even like her. I withdraw from any sexual advances from her and I can't contemplate DTD. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable, if I'm wrong?

DSS has always been quiet and in the last few years since he's grown up it now just comes across as rude, he barely speaks to words to me. I used to be able to deal with it, now it just pisses me off.

I have turned into the stereotypical grumpy husband mentioned on these very forums. :-(

She knows I am struggling but in typical male fashion I have left it too long and am worried what will happen if I confront her. She has suggested I am depressed and I have made an appointment at the doctors. I'm not sure this will help but will give it a go. I am thinking of going to Relate too, on my own to start with.

Has anyone here had the same and come out of the other side OK? I'm on the verge of tears writing this and feel like I'm about to have a breakdown as staying or going are equally as bad. I just don't know what to do.

We scarcely row in this house either, which on one hand is great, but which on the other, means that when big rows happen, they leave everyone unsettled because they're such a shock.

Re: what your wife said to you during that argument.

A friend of mine spent a few days with his sister and her children last year. He is childless, and isn't used to being around children constantly, with the never-ending barrage of questions, needs and interruptions they bring.

He said he was really shocked to hear himself saying things to his niece and nephew that his own father had said to him in just the same situation. (I can't remember what he said it was: just something along the lines of "hurry up", probably.)

He reasoned (he is a psychologist; takes this stuff v seriously) that when you're stressed, you can't think clearly or rationally; you can only react. And it's when we're so stressed that we can only react that we say things to our kids that our parents said to us, or we shout things in rows that exes might have shouted at us or our parents might have shouted at each other.

Sometimes a blazing row will bring truth to the surface and sometimes it will bring random soundbites to the surface. If your wife insists she didn't mean it, then either she didn't mean it, or she may have realised it was just wrong. Maybe she does think "He never does anything" when she's grumpy but also knows it isn't true. You don't sound like a selfish, uncaring stepdad to me.

Your daughter would have been 6 at the time of this last big row? So your wife had been a stay-at-home parent for six years? I've been one for seven and it's great to be there for the kids but it is lonely, and boring, and easy to feel like you're doing everything alone, even when so much unseen stuff is taken care of.

Re: your DSS. He is 21. 21 can be hard on young men. Does he have a future he's looking forward to? Or do you think he spends a lot of time anxious about having to find his own place soon and all the rest of it? Does he feel like a failure for still being at home? He may be withdrawn because of him, not because of you.

If your wife is right that you're struggling, I'm sorry to hear it. The thing about struggling is that we can't see beyond what's clogging up our own heads, and it's easy to take other people's words personally when their words are really an expression of the stuff clogging up their own heads, not you.

Relate is a good idea, on your own. You sound like you're living under a cloud and it will help to lift that cloud and let you think straight again.

Don't give up yet. Go and talk to Relate. I hope things get better for you.

I think you have to tell her how you're feeling... properly and honestly. There are some remarks that can wash over you but some cut to the quick and clearly being accused of selfishness has struck a nerve. I think your DSS's presence and attitude are significant - a 21 year-old man should not be acting like a sulky, ungrateful pre-teen. It sounds like there has been more low-level, tolerable resentment going on prior to this remark than you're willing to admit and 'never do anything' constituted the last straw. Does your DW work now? Have you been able to resume the hobbies you gave up? Does your DSS contribute to the home either financially or domestically? Do you pull your weight domestically?

I guess you think your wife has been a tad ungrateful after all the sacrifices you made for her? It honestly works both ways and she has also made compromises al

Along the way too. The comment sounds pretty regular to me. And although you have made sacrifices gave things up etc at the time if the row ask your self if you were actually doing things to help out, like the mundane chores of day to day life. Cleaning, cooking, ironing blah blah.

I think you need to be able to take a bit if criticism from time to time. I find it a tad odd that this one remark has affected you so deeply.

I also feel your reaction must be very hard on your wife as she is still suffering the consequences all this time later. Very harsh indeed.

You say your step son is being off with you, are you certain it's not the other way around and he is responding to that?

Lastly depression does rob you of your ability to love and to give love. You owe it to all involved to get yourself checked out just incase it is that.

Good luck with it all

So your wife said something to you in the heat of a row and you're still sulking one year on?

There must be bigger problems than the one comment for this to be the case.

Hi there neverrains - I'm sorry you are feeling so low at the moment.
For what its worth my opinion is that what your wife said is a fairly typical 'row' type accusation - said in the heat of the moment, not meant -regretted afterwards. And she has said as such.

I think to dwell on it for this long is not normal and must be making things very difficult for your wife and for you.

You have to decide - is this worth wrecking your relationship for? - If you seethe indefinitely you will cause damage to your marriage, so that's not really an option. You have to either decide to put it behind you and move on, or decide that it's just one of many problems that can't be ressolved and move out.

You need to talk - the remark obviously hit a nerve and upset you a lot, you should explain to your wife how it made you feel, and then give her a chance to tell you how she feels about her life situation. I think you both sound as if you feel underappreciated - and that is what prompted her heat of the moment remark, and what has prompted your reaction to it.

Maybe you could think about finding some ways together to appreciate each other - even if only in little ways, and learn to be open about the things you love about each other. Angry remarks hurt, but they tend to have less significance if the majority of your communication is loving and caring.

I would also suggest from experience that having an adult offspring mooching around the house is actually pretty stressful. Maybe its time for your DSS to decide what he can do to contribute more to the hosuehold - perhaps babysit his sister so you and your DW can haveanight out, or help out around the house and gardento give you botha bit ofa break. Alternatively he could start looking for his own place.

Thank you all, I will talk to her about it, I know it has gone on too long and needs to be sorted.

BosieDufflecoat 'Reacting' puts a clearer picture on it, if I can hold onto that that would be a good start to clearing my head. She has been a SAHM for six years yes, she now works a few mornings a week.

Cogito I do my bit around the house, maybe not enough, I don't know really. Communication is obviously the key here, I'm not doing enough of it. DSS pays a little towards housekeeping but other than that generally mooches around.

QuiteLikely No, not ungrateful, just not considering my thoughts/feelings, maybe this is what I'm doing back to her subconsciously, just thinking about my side of the story.

Plantsand Flowers I don't think I'm sulking about the row per say, I think it was just the catalyst that put me where I am now, all the slightly off remarks that sometimes get said have just been amplified over the past year. Whereas before I would have just ignored them I've filed them away with a question mark over their real meaning. I'm hoping this is where Relate will help me, I have so many mixed up thoughts at the moment I don't know if I'm coming or going. Posting here was a start, and there are a lot of helpful comments.

Thanks again.