Need advice / different perspectives on this. Sex Problems

[Slugpickeruper]

Hi there I am very hurt about something which happened between me and my partner last night. We have 2 DC and have been together 9 years so quite a long term thing. We have had our ups and downs at times we have been close to separating but we always managed to bring it back from the brink together, and we have been in what I thought was a 'good' period for a while now.

For the background - I have a medical condition called interstitial cystitis which will not ever go away, in most cases it can be managed. It has caused me chronic pain which in turn affects my mood and self worth. As for sex - it can make it difficult. If i get an ordinary urine infection on top of the chronic problem it can cause hell for me. Sex in itself is painful afterwards for a couple of days so I usually have to keep it to once every fortnight. To prevent a urine infection we have to both shower first, me shower after and also stay up for hours drinking and peeing after the act! So not very spontaneous. But this condition can cause people to be unable to have sex at all so I am thankful I even can.

I have discussed this with my P many times and I've said to him that if he feels he cannot handle my condition then I understand if he wants to split. I feel like I cannot give him what a 'normal' partner would and we are still quite young (he is 35).

Anyway to cut a long story to the point - last night he initiated sex whilst we were watching TV after kids asleep. It was very late and I have to get up very early for school run cause we live rurally. I did not fancy the prospect of staying up til 2 am drinking pints of water and peeing so I said well if you take the DC to school I can do it. I changed my mind though because it seemed a big rigmarole to change our routine. He then sulked and sort of stormed into the kitchen and said things like "it's just because you don't fancy me anymore" , and "the parameters keep changing you are just pushing me away" . I then started trying to explain that I was hurt by this etc , and he got annoyed because he kept having to rewind the TV and he didn't want to listen to me, so he stormed off to bed, leaving me alone watching TV which we usually do together )-:

I feel so bad about it. We have discussed it over and over and he has always said he was fine with it. He has always been respectful sexually and I've felt completely comfortable with him even though I have a past history of really bad and repeated sexual abuse. Which is making it difficult to clarify my thoughts on this.

He said this morning as soon as he came down that he went to bed because I was twisting his words, that he isn't bothered about sex but that he thinks I don't fancy him or "want" him, and I misconstrued his meaning! To me, it WAS about sex, the whole thing was about sex, and now I feel that is just backtracking.

I actually think we should split and told him so, that our relationship is all but over because I can't live with someone who clearly resents me for something I can't help.

I would welcome any advice / other perspectives on this from anyone. I am so hurt. I wrote him a letter last night after he went to bed and he picked it up this morning before he went to work (not due back til Sunday) and he said he would write me one back. His phone is now switched off which makes me angry.

I just don't know what to do. I feel so useless tbh. and I don't see a way forward. I think how he really feels has come out and if he cannot handle it then there is no point in continuing. I'm sure he will disagree as he thinks that all families should stay together "for the sake of the children". Always. So am I looking at a life of being resented? Or leaving and hurting the DC family life? argh.

Just a thought. Do you use anything with blue in it. ie...washing powder, sanitary pads etc.

Well it started off when I was 17 and after 6 months to a year it went into remission (woo hoo!), came back for 6 months when I was 20, and then again at 25 it started again and has not left since )-: so years now.

I wish they could find a specific cause (the professionals are still arguing about what causes it) then find an effective treatment. There are things to try but nothing to cure it.

I feel that things are so up in the air between us after being calm for a good while. I hate this and my stupid body / condition.

I'm angry too that he has turned off his phone - he does that almost every time we argue, like some kind of power game whilst hoping the issue will magically go away / he can't be bothered with me. Probably both.

I shouldn't have told him it was over between us if I am not totally sure. I was just so hurt in the moment at the time. But i fear he won't take me seriously in future if I go back on it.

I don't. I use "natural" 100% cotton pads I can't remember the name, but if I don't then I get thrush. I use special washing powder too cause DS has allergies and eczema.

Yes SGB I feel that he should look at the facts and decide one way or another if he wants to be with me or not, taking the condition as a fact and not just an afterthought. And stick to his choice. I try to tell him things about the condition but he just nods along I can tell he isn't taking any interest and then if I ask him the name of it he wouldn't even remember. He just knows it's the bladder and infections and pain (he thinks minor but it can be horrible pain levels). He knows all he 'feels like' knowing if you see what I mean.

I'm not with him cause I'm scared of being a single parent, or even scared of being single. I'm not it would not bother me much I'm an independent type of person and I've been a single parent before. It's more than the whole dating scene depresses me and I don't think that physically or emotionally I could ever cope with it because of the IC and also trauma from the past. I don't think I'll ever meet anyone else I could feel comfortable with as I have horrendous issues around men and sex. Because of the children and how they love it with us as a family, and also I do not want to be away from the DC for 3 days each and every week that he would have them. And because I do still enjoy his company and have feelings for him.

But I am still thinking emotionally that I have to leave because he is showing signs of resenting it and not being able to deal with it. Which doesn't bode well I don't think.

It's more that the whole dating scene depresses me I meant.

Go to bed and get some sleep as I would think being stressed makes it worse..

Why not talk to your GP about a single low dose prophylactic antibiotic to be taken after sex. This has been clinically proven to prevent infections in both cases of recurrent UTIs and interstitial cystitis. That way you should avoid infections and be able to maintain a normal life....
You have said yourself that you haven't had a UTI for many years. Maybe it's time to try something a little different and stretch the boundaries. The worst -you get a UTI
The best- you get a new lease of life.

With chronic illness - it's always good to test the boat out from time to time as things quite often change.

from someone who sees a lot of people with interstitial cystitis.....

Perhaps for a few hours just stop thinking about it all, give yourself a little break from it. Yeah sure he resents the illness and so do you and who can blame either of you. But he is resentful of the illness not of you. Let him digest everything. It's silly to have a conversation of this magnitude over the phone. It needs to be face to face.
He isn't perfect. Who is? He is probably trying his hardest to deal with all of this and now he has screwed up by becoming frustrated and angry and you have virtually told him it is all over. Crickey, that's a lot for anyone to deal with.
If you find it hard to have a fulfilling relationship with your DH, a man whom you basically quite like and feel reasonably trusting with then beginning a new relationship with someone new could be a total nightmare.
If he comes back and says he is going to accept the limitations of your condition then you have to believe him and give him the benefit of the doubt. You can't threaten to end it anytime you have a tough patch that would put so much stress on you both. This can be resolved, just don't act too hastily please.

HughFearnlely, if I got a UTI my condition could flare up considerably and painfully for weeks, in fact it started off with a random UTI so it wouldn't be worth it to try to do it without all the preventatives. I would maybe be up for trying the antibiotics but I'd be very worried about resistance so I try this for now. There are some doctors treating IC with long term high dose antibiotics and I do believe they are helping many people though so perhaps I could give it a try.

heyday, I get what you are saying. I know for a fact that I could not begin a new relationship now. Even the thought of it has brought me out in a panic for at least 3 years now. I would rather either be in a supportive relationship where my IC is fully accepted and I'm not dismissed or be single for good. And the first is not going to happen overnight. I'm guessing the only option is to wait. I do still have that nagging feeling of thinking a separation would be best.

... would be best for both of us.