tearfull help needed with my relationship

[gemmanails]

Hi, I just wanted to share a story with all to see if you could help. I'm again in a desperate tearfull state and can't sort this.

I'm a mid 30's mum of two beautiful little boys. I live in a leafy suburb with my children and partner and have been having horendous relationship problems.

Here's my story, hoping so much someone can help or advise. Sorry it might be a bit long.

A little over 10 years my partner who's salesman went to an office party and stayed the night in a hotel. I knew when he came home something was wrong as he brought me some flowers. Not saying all flowers mean guilt but we had little money and didn't really buy gifts for wach other like that with things tight.

I had a bad feeling from the start about the party and it started to play on my mind. Things got bad with us arguing and being distant and I blurted out that I thought he was seeing someone else. He got all red faced and I knew this was true. After weeks and weeks of crying and asking him he eventually told me he went back to a hotel room with a girl from the sales office.

He told me he was too drunk to do anything and ended up just lying in bed with her. After him telling me this I broke down and ended up on anti-depressants as I just couldn't believe what had happened.

The pressure got so much after a few weeks I ended up tracking down this girl who was actually married and phoning her up. She told me they had sex and even asked me if there is anything else she can help me with!

I put this to my partner but he said he was telling the truth and she was lying and that he loved me and was sorry. I was devasted that everything I thought we had was lost.

My partner soon after quit his job and we tried many times to sort things out to keep our family together.

Over the past 10 years we seem to go round in circles. Things are ok and then I get distant from him and again bring up the past and ask him exactly what went on, he tells me he is telling the truth and we are ok for a bit and then I get depressed.

I can't get past this. All I want to know if the truth I feel as a mother I deserve that and my children don't suffer with me breaking down, crying and feeling sad.

I love my partner and he says he loves me but I can't bare this situation it is making me really ill.

I know it is 10 years ago but things just trigger my thoughts and I can't get closure as I feel I will never know who is telling the truth. I wouldn't wish this upon anyone.

I'm close today to leaving him as it has just got bad again, I don't know if this is the right thing to do as deep down I really love him.

I'm sat on the stairs crying again wondering what to do. Do i push him more for the truth, try to forget and live my life in circles of depression or just move on. Any help or advice is greatly appreciated. Yours Gemma

Thank you. He would be up for counselling. I will speak to him when he gets home.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles - He is a great father to the boys and I couldn't ask for anything more in that sense.

"then it's very possible that he massively regrets it because you are and have always been the one he wants."

This is what I think why he won't just tell me.

If I could just hug him and hold him and smell him and say I was sorry for misbelieving him then that would be the happiest day of my life.

I don't know how to get to that point. I just don't know what to do anymore. I've done everything I can. Sometimes I feel it is just me going crazy in my mind.

I have thought of ringing up the other woman again or finding her house and speaking to her face to face.

I really don't know if this would help but I can't think of anything else to do.

"1. They never tell. You the whole truth, just what they think you will forgive." Sadly I feel this.

Has he ever said he is sorry?

He deliberately got off with another woman, went to a hotel room and planned on having sex with her. Even if there was no sex some stuff will have happened. Before they got to the room and there.

Personally I think he is as guilty as sin, hence the flowers, the distancing and the weeks of shit before he admitted the bare minimum he though he could get away with.

I don't think you will ever get closure from a lie.

"If I could just hug him and hold him and smell him and say I was sorry for misbelieving him then that would be the happiest day of my life."

Again, this is why it's no win. You are never going to say 'sorry for misbelieving you' because you believe he did it. You are not going to get out of the depression cycle for the same reason. Neither is the clock going to be turned back, the whole thing never happen, the conversation you had with his ONS remain unspoken, and you return to a more innocent world in which your lovely DH is not the type of man that would cheat on you.... (none of which you've said but kind of goes with the territory.) The alternative... separation or divorce and all it entails ... feels as though it would worse than the status quo so there you are stuck in limbo for as long as you are willing to carry on.

I don't envy your dilemma but sometimes love is really not enough

Has he ever said he is sorry?

She said in the OP that he told her he was sorry. Moreover, his actions since that day as described on this thread confirm the sincerity of his claim.

OP, I have sent you a DM with my take on the situation.

counselling sounds like a great idea, maybe there you can get to the bottom of things more. It does sound like something happened, but then again you've carried on for 10 years since then - some people do make marriages work even after full blown affairs I guess, but it's like a new beginning if trust has been broken. I suppose it's trying to look to the future at some point, and letting go of the past, however you proceed
good luck op, whatever you decide

Yes he has said sorry many times.

Thank you for your help advice, it is really appreciated at this time. I'm going to look through everything posted in more detail when I have some time on my own. Weekend duties and my family needs feeding so difficult to read at the moment. Thank you, will be back soon.