thoughts after court

[bibliomania]

Final hearing for dd's living arrangements yesterday. Outcome okay - exactly what I offered in mediation a year ago. Ex didn't get what he was determined to get - dd to live with him and me only allowed to see her at his discretion. Should never have come to court - but we both get scolded for dragging the matter through the courts. How the hell was I supposed to stop it when he wouldn't accept what I offered and his demands were ludicrous? Judge said he didn't want us back in court -but refused to grant the s91(14) order I asked for, which is the only effective way to stop it from happening.

Told to cooperate. Ex already using this as stick to beat me with - failing to instantly fall in with every demand he makes is deemed by him non-cooperation. He feels totally vindicated by the judge blaming us both for court battle. Judge looked at evidence I left ex to go to a refuge with dd (professional said she'd make child welfare referral if I didn't) and said "That must have been hard for you both".

I get the court doesn't want to declare villains and saints, but it effectively closed its eyes to all evidence of abuse and told us we just need to communicate better. I feel like I'm right back in the "walking on eggshells" sensation of my marriage. Sooner or later I'll inevitably do something my ex deems to be not communicating/cooperating and he now feels fully justified in doing anything he likes (eg. stopping me taking dd to a family wedding that falls on "his" weekend) because it's my "fault".

I get that the courts can't do much in the face of abuse (other than physical, maybe) but it seems like it has reacted to it by simply pretending it doesn't exist.

Oh, it doesn't change anything on a day-to-day level. I'm just frustrated and staring at a massive bill for 2 years of legal fees when I feel I got no real attempt at justice at all.

I think you should talk to your lawyer about appealing this. He should have to foot the bill for the legal costs as he forced it to court.

I am NOT a legal expert, though, and hopefully someone who knows more about this will be along soon.

No, it's not going to happen. I'm £10k in debt as a result of this and I'm not spending another penny on legal fees.

I'm half-wondering whether I should drop the CSA claim (ex has never paid a penny in child support in 5 years) as this will certainly be deemed by him to be "non-cooperation" and "non-communication", and therefore the excuse for further vindictiveness, but what the hell. I'm going to get response that sooner or later anyway.

Family Courts very rarely order costs so there is very little likelihood of this happening. The same as appealing, you have to have a strong legal ground to appeal and as the court ordered what you offered, there appears little ground.

I have been in your position. I have been taken to court around 40 times over the past seven years and again the Judges do not like to impose a section 91 (14) order. I understand that it is because they are regularly appealed because everyone has a right to take matters to court. The downside of this of course is that the child also suffers because your stress and anxiety will inevitably pass to the child.

Our last hearing was last year and the Judge made it very clear to him that he absolutely did not want to see the matter back again.

The new rules make it clear that mediation has to be attempted prior to any application proceeding. The Judge in our case implemented this ahead of the changes in an attempt to dissuade the numerous applications. Sadly it did not work.

I completely agree with you that there is nothing so soul destroying as to be criticised by a Judge, who has never met your child, for having the temerity to have to attend court because another person who is impossible to deal with drags you back time and time again.

You will be feeling very sore at the moment and I hope that within time he becomes more reasonable over weekends and special occasions for your child. I generally write a letter informing of the occasion, offering extra time if necessary, and pointing out that you are sure he would not like your child to miss out on this special occasion. I have found this tends to work as he is very reluctant to put up with a stroppy, angry child for a weekend. In time you will learn coping strategies.

Thanks, Elsie, that helps (and frankly, your 40 court appearances puts mine in the shade!) From what you say, it's better not to have a s91(14) order than to have one that ex promptly appeals, which at least provides some perspective. In terms of coping strategy, what I try to do is just not care too much. If dd misses the wedding - well, it's frustrating, but there will be other occasions.

(And thanks for your comment too, dollius - didn't mean to shoot down your suggestion, just shying like a startled horse at the prospect of more court....)

The bright side is that dd is perfectly happy with the arrangement - and I presented it positively. It'll be okay, I'll get past this feeling. I just need one great wail of "It's not fair!"

Hi I'm very worried as I need to sort out access. I want my DC views taken into account as there was DV, but I don't qualify for legal aid. It is all too stressful.

At mediation would I be able to propose gradual access to increase from once a week? He is denying any DV as he is a liar. But I don't want to spend on lengthy proceedings as I want to save any money for my DC in future. Do Cafcass only get involved if there are court proceedings?

Can they interview kids as part of mediation?

Any advice welcomed.

Justlucky you have a PM