Aspects of history are repeating themselves in my friend's latest relationship. She is questioning her judgement when her partner is being an abusive cocklodger.

[Milmingebag]

My friend escaped an abusive marriage a few years ago but her latest partner seems to be echoing some of the same behaviours of her XH. He is browbeating her verbally when she raises perfectly reasonable points such that she is becoming unsure of herself.

A bit of background. He has a CRB record for being violent(battery),falsely imprisoning his XP and resisting arrest. Although it didn't go to court the police insist on it's inclusion on his CRB and as a consequence he lost his job. He claims it was an end of relationship meltdown and he refused to let her leave their flat as he 'hadn't been heard' and he ripped her necklace off (that's the battery bit apparently). The latest CRB came back with the added info that he went for a knife when the police were there.

He claims that her family are all Masons and he is being persecuted.

He routinely bombards my friend with information about New World Order,Rothchilds,Palestine injustice and various other conspiracy theories. She asks him not to but he continues regardless. He is on the computer for hours everyday drinking this stuff in obsessively.

This year they moved in together. He refused to have his name on the Council Tax list as he regards his private information as sacred and says he doesn't have to legally.

He works as a cleaner in the morning and evening (3.5hrs) a day and they agreed that they could manage financially if he did the majority of the household chores by way of further contribution and childcare when their child is born allowing my friend to continue to work in her role.

My friend is six months pregnant and works with special needs children and does all the care for her eldest child. His idea of contribution is to Hoover once a fortnight. She cooks dinner every night and he refuses to wash up saying she should just do it as she goes along. There is a pan that he cooked dinner with (a rarity) he has left festering since Sunday and she came home to cat shit on the carpet. She is getting worn down and is physically struggling to cope. He insists they go to bed at 9pm because he has to get up at 5.30am. He makes a point of waking her up at this time too even when she is shattered.

She has tried talking calmly to him asking that he contribute more but he is volatile. He starts shouting at her (calling her an arsehole amongst other choice terms)about what she should do and talking about if only she had listened to him about his systems. It's all about deflecting from the fact he is a lazy arsewipe who has six hours between jobs but chooses to go on the computer instead of helping his stressed partner in practical ways.

He was a very strange, intense person when I met him. He is very rigid and thinks he knows the absolute truth on any given topic. He is dictatorial when it comes to parenting her child and they clash about this often.I think she wants out but said today she isn't coping now and can't therefore see herself managing without him.

I don't know what to do to help.

The thing is, of course, that He is the reason why she isn't coping well. She must be physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted beyond her limits. Working, doing everything in the home and for her DC, whilst pg too, must be knackering her, and then she has the horrible scenario of how exhausting it must be dealing with him.

He sounds not only abusive, but mentally ill. She is being forced to experience two very different forms of reality, which will be mentally destroying her: the actual reality of ordinary life and how shittily she and her dc are being treated by him, and then she has him acting like his bizarre, selfish, lazy, weird and cruel ways are normal, and to cope, she has to accept that they're normal too. She is literally being forced to accept abnormality and a low level of sanity as normal and sane - anyone would be drained.

Perhaps your best chance would be to get her to see that her life would be easier without him; she'd actually be doing a bit less work without him around (as she's doing virtually everything, remove the work that he generates and she'll be doing less), he won't be bullying her poor child, she won't have to deal with his freaky and delusional notions, she won't be breaking the law by not having him listed on the Council Tax register, and so on.

I imagine that her ex was abusive in a different way, so she's kidding herself that this 'doesn't count' as abuse. I really think she should talk to Women's Aid. At least she has a good friend like you on her side.

Scary stuff, he sounds fucking deranged.
Hopefully someone with sensible advice will be along and you can show her this.
women's aid sounds like a viable option.

Thank-you Oxfordbags for your very insightful post. Really good advice and put across in a way I hadn't considered.

trappedinsuburbia I think you are right. At the moment she has privacy issues with him. He lingers around when she is on the phone and looks over her shoulder when she is on the computer. She has about half an hour a day when she can do either in peace.

I think it would help if she could read through some other perspectives on this when she has this time. x

yup its bad. she's lucky she's got you! Lundy bancroft has a really good book called 'why does he do that' which is worth a read, it helps you nail abusive behavior for what it is. If you can do it without her falling out with you, i'd just keep reflecting it back and pointong out its not normal. And if you've got room, tell her she is welcome any time.

Sadly it is hugely common for women who have escaped one abusive partner to find another abuser to hook up with. Being abused by one man tends to fuck up your radar and your boundaries to the point that, as long as the new shithead doesn't do the same kind of abuse as the last shithead did, a woman will accept it. Presumably your poor friend's previous partner was physically violent whereas the current one is able to present as 'kind and gentle' in that he doesn't actually punch her. Unfortunately, abusive men also have a kind of radar which draws them to previously abused women who will have low enough self esteem not to tell them to go and fuck themselves when the abuse starts.

Yes, your friend is being severely abused, and talking to Women's Aid - and to you will help. She needs to get rid of this ridiculous, unpleasant and potentially dangerous man as soon as possible.

I don't think you can help someone until they specifically ask for help. Even then, it's not guaranteed that they accept help. So pushing leaflets, websites or books towards her won't work, unfortunately.

I think you only get one or two chances in this kind of situation to look someone in the eyes and tell them how concerned you are and how bad you think things have got. Any more than that and the risk is that they'll zone you out or distance themselves.

When she tells you about the things he's doing does she sound exasperated? angry? resigned? amused?... Does she ever mention leaving, even jokingly?

In her previous marriage there was a lot of verbal intimidation and criticism to begin with. His behaviour was often risky and at times bizarre. He refused to pitch in physically once her eldest child was born and the relationship unravelled and his behaviour became very attention seeking. He was also sexually demeaning to her.

Her XP escalated the abuse bit by bit so it became financial and psychological and he then started becoming physical and she left.

Her current partner has form and my friend has been aware of his weird behaviour. She has tackled somethings but they never get resolved as he always feels he is right- he knows how to parent (despite never been one before), animals should be permanently banished from the house if they have an accident and if she has engaged in one of his obsessive debates and disagrees he becomes obnoxious. Basically he likes to hold worth delivering lectures for hours on his pet topic of the moment.

It seems to me he has a chip missing. He seems incapable of empathy and there doesn't seem to be any kindness there. He isn't kind to her eldest child, her animals or her. It seems to all be about balances and checks with him. He bangs on about being 'undermined' if she tackles his abrupt and unreasonable attitude towards her eldest.

She has mentioned that she has married another version of her XH. That she is overwhelmed and burst into hysterical tears during her midwife's last visit. The midwife has made a note of her being 'of concern'. She was so upset she could articulate what was wrong. She asked him directly what he had done with his day yesterday which he then took as an opportunity to rant at her about not explaining himself to her and that he had done 'loads of things'. She asked him to specify and then the insults started flying.

If she wasn't pregnant I think it would be easier for her to extricate herself from this toxic relationship but his behaviour has meant she is doubting her ability to cope. I explained that I thought the stress from being around him was making her feel like this and she would feel better out.

I want to drive over there and have words with him but we are not dealing with a rational person and it might make things worse for my friend.

If fear of coping alone is holding her back, there may be some benefit in showing her that there's help/accommodation/finance or whatever. But, as I said earlier, if someone is at the 'listen to me and sympathise but I'm not changing' stage rather than 'I'm ready to change and want you to fix the problem' stage then you'll get nowhere.

Always so frustrating when someone gets pregnant by this type. Difficult enough making the break when self-esteem is shattered. Pregnancy adds another layer of vulnerability and, when the baby arrives, the 'I want us to be a proper family' thing can really cloud judgement. I can imagine what a nightmare this guy is going to be with a baby. Glad the HV is aware.

Might not be a good idea to drive over and have words but, given that one of the bully's classic weapons is to isolate their victim, it is certainly worth being very present in your friend's life & sticking up for her where appropriate.

Excuse the typos-I rushed before getting out on the school run. It should have read she couldn't explain to the widwife.

Do you think that I should ring and speak to him directly about how lazy he is and that he is taking advantage of my friend?
but leave out the bit about the fact that he is clearly unstable

The stairs he tore the carpet off from and are now slippery need urgent attention. Do you think he really needs the risk pointing out? There are boxes sitting in the dining room that he is refusing to move to the loft as she 'should have sorted through her shit before she moved like he told her too'. As a 'consequence' he hasn't decorated the dining room as promised and refusing to even take a Hoover in there on his fortnightly efforts.

I live on the opposite side of the country but have offered to go and pitch in and get the house in order. I know that I woukd sort that house in three days flat from what she tells me.My friend says she will keep it in mind but it really is something she should sort out with him. She says he has the time and skills and is perfectly capable of doing it himself?

When they have guests he is suddenly doing the washing up and doing the whole martyr act so is capable of impression management.

He is actually unsanitary.He made a pot roast a month ago in a slow cooker and it is still mouldering in the kitchen. She has repeatedly asked him to clean it as he was the one who cooked it (his rules thrown back at him) but he has refused.

I am worried that by the time the baby comes the house will be in such a state that she will be monitored.

Last night they took her cats to the vet and the vet told him that she should not be clearing up after cats. When they got back he ate the take-way she had bought as she as running too late to prepare dinner,left all the cartons from it all over the kitchen, left his plate in the living room, left the cat shit and took himself off to bed. I advised my friend to get him up and tell him to clear up after himself and the cats but she said he will just start ranting at her.

On the positive side she owns her house and hasn't married him.

My advice so far has been to remove the modem when she leaves the house and draw up a rota for him.

Don't tackle him directly. For one, she will see it as an attack on the person she (I assume) thinks she loves and she will close ranks. He could become more abusive towards your friend. Worst of all, he would very likely ban you from the home and then your influence will be zilch.

Do go over and offer to help with the house and keep your eyes open. Do it unannounced rather than giving them chance to turn you down. I missed the part earlier about her already having a child as well as being pregnant. If he his forcing her to keep the place in an unhygienic state and exhibiting abusive behaviour then you should be less worried that the family will be monitored and treat it more as an opportunity. The NSPCC, police or SS must be asked to intervene for the sake of her child if she is unwilling incapable of doing so.

I'm very pleased she owns the house

Thanks for all you advice Cognito . I think I will talk to her today and suggest I pop in but not tell him when. I feel I could really help with the physical stuff which might take the heat off for a bit and possibly introduce him to the idea of what is the norm in terms of basic upkeep to the home on a regular basis but she has to sort the rest out.

The thing is is she is a great Mum and perfectly capable person but he is starting to undermine her mental health at a time things should be wonderful. She lives where she wants in the country, inherited money so that she was able to buy a home, is pregnant with a longed for child,is valued in her job but he is such an enormous drain. For the life of me I can't understand what she is doing in this relationship.

Despite having a lot going for her I expect she struggles with low confidence (made worse by him, of course) fears loneliness perhaps, maybe saw him as the best chance to have the 'longed for child' or a family. If she's frightened of him, that's enough to keep her trapped. I don't know what her upbringing was like but some people get a warped idea of what love is along the way. If she works with SN children she's clearly very caring, has some training, and it's very possible that she sees him as a 'damaged' individual she can fix.

All kinds of things could be going on.

Have never posted before, this time I have to. He sounds exactly like my exP. Was obsessed with really out there conspiracies, refused to do any housework unless it fit in with his crazy "rules", refused to get a job but expected me to work full time and pay for all his stuff. Was completely unfeeling, had no empathy at all for anyone else, was always right etc etc. could never have a discussion because he was always right about everything! I never knew there were so many of them until I joined MN!

She needs to never let him have control of finances or get his name on house deeds, thats how mine got total control over me.

Really wish I had really good advice, my friends probably did the right thing in that they never criticised him but were always there for me, even though I pushed them away at his insistence, and helped me get out when I was ready to leave, were my shoulders to cry on.

You sound like a lovely friend and all the pp have given great advice so if you can hang in there for her she will need you and she will be grateful later. for you and her.

And please please please try to get her to talk to Womens Aid about leaving, (she really needs to before it gets bad!) but I have to say when I was with him I don't know if I would have believed I needed them if that makes sense?
Its hard to see what's happening when you're on the inside of it and being bombarded with all this weird stuff, and no argument ever makes sense, so you start believing it must be you who's in the wrong.

He has a CRB record for being violent(battery),falsely imprisoning his XP and resisting arrest. Although it didn't go to court the police insist on it's inclusion on his CRB and as a consequence he lost his job. He claims it was an end of relationship meltdown and he refused to let her leave their flat as he 'hadn't been heard' and he ripped her necklace off (that's the battery bit apparently). The latest CRB came back with the added info that he went for a knife when the police were there.
This man sounds terrifying, (he will I'm sure be minimising the violence involved in the above incident) is your friend frightened to end the relationship? As she owns the house she doesn't have the option to up sticks and will have to insist he leaves. I hope she comes to the realisation sooner rather than later that he has to go but perhaps she should ensure she has reinforcements (male relatives say) to help him 'decide' to leave without a repeat performance of the above. I'm glad she has you for a friend

I just feel sorry for her poor kid. Once is bad. Twice is just, well horrendous.

If the house is in her name then she can just ask him to leave, and before the baby arrives is probably the best time to do this. She must never put him on the deeds, he has his eyes on the house and her supporting him by the looks of things. She must leave the relationship for the sake of her oldest as well as the baby, but other than point her to refuge services and legal advice I don't thing you can do anything more than be there for her.

Just seen they are married, that complicates things probably - she needs advice quickly.

No they are not married.

I have a suspicion that he may be Aspergers. I have been reading up on it and a lot of his behaviours seem to be in line with typical traits.

Aspergers is no excuse for behaving like an arsehole. My xh had some similar behaviours, and a couple of phrases from mn that helped me prepare to leave were Atilla's 3 c's- you did not cause this, you cannot control it, you cannot cure it. You can change your reaction to it. Someone also once said (can't remember who- Mamazon maybe? ) I have a choice whether to remain in the situation, my children didn't.

You sound like a fab friend, despite the distance. Keep being there, friends like you are priceless.

Update. Please see new thread.