Any Phsycologists about? Please help. My marriage is falling apart

[mybluelunchbox]

This might be long so please bear with me. H and I have been married for 6 years, together for nearly 12. He has always been moody, aggressive, shouty, non-emphatic etc etc. And he is like this with everyone.

He has had a terrible childhood. For example, at age 3 he was regularly beaten by his dad with iron pipes. He used to tremble and shake as soon as it would be evening and his dad called him into him room. He used to get slapped, punched, kicked on a daily basis. his parents lived with an extended family who was extremely rich. In the evenings they would have a very lavish and luxurious dinner yet this boy of 4 years old would be kicked away and I mean literally if he tried to come near the food. His childhood was miserable and so was his youth. He was nearly 30 when we moved to the UK and things have been better for him. then he struggled to find work. He is an extremely hard working man who would do any sort of work and does not feel shame in odd jobs etc. But he just could get any that would justify putting DS in nursery. I was in full time job, he stayed home and since we are not nationals we had no assistance from anywhere and struggled massively with finances.

The problem now is that he creates a problem when there is none. He will do his best to find something to shout at me about. he never shows any empathy towards me. NEVER! I cannot talk to him about any thing. because if I do it would somehow turn into an argument. he utterly loves DS. Loves the bones of him. and DS pretty much the same. Although he is more attached/ close to me.

Now my turn. I had a shit childhood. My father was an arsehole. Just like FIL. He used to regularly beat us and our mum. Once my mum bled so much afterwards that she fainted. He would tear her clothes, swear at all of us and say things that no father could every think of saying his own daughters. I hate my father and I fear that DH is becoming like him.

So DH shouted at me the other day and I just kept quiet. I asked him alter why did that as it was a very minor thing and he said I have led a life of misery and frustration and I cant cope with there being no problem and I create one. My MIL says that his GFather was like that as well and was known to create problems if there wasn't one.

At this moment I hate him. I do not want to see or talk to him. I do not want to live with him. I am with him ONLY because of DS. Due to various reasons I cannot at the moment leave him or I would be out of there like a shot.

My question is what can I do to save our marriage?I want to something myself first and then involve him carefully. We are both good individuals. Both very committed to our son. No one has every cheated or anything of that sort.

Does he actually have a physiological issue that we could deal with and make this work?

If you have read so far then thank you!

I apologise for so many mistakes but I just wanted to let it all put before I chickened out.

I'd suggest that, to save your marriage, you stop trying to psychoanalyze his behaviour, stop justifying it based on the actions of his father, and simply take it on face value. You do not want to be with him because of his behaviour and his behaviour is unlikely to change as it appears to be an ingrained part of his personality. If he wanted to change his behaviour, he would do something about it. Your son loves his father and will continue to do so whether you are under the same roof or not. He will be less damaged by not having to listen to you being abused.

Why did you marry this man at all and have a child by him?. You probably recognised a lot of your own suffering in him but after 12 years of being together you know that this has really run its course here.

Why can't you leave at present; what reasons are there for not leaving currently?. Do you feel responsible for him?. I ask this purely because no obstacle to leaving is insurmountable.

You cannot stay because of your son; you cannot burden a child with a choice that you made. He will certainly not thank you for doing that to him.

You simply cannot bring up your son within such a dysfunctional environment because your son will have the sort of childhood that both you and your DH had.

Your H has to want to address his own issues; if he does not then you cannot force such a change of attitude. You cannot help someone who does not want to be help and as his wife you are in no way at all qualified to do that, nor should you take on such a role. This man requires many, many years of therapy and it is something that he may never do or want to do for himself. You can only help your own self currently and staying at all within this for your son is a huge error of judgment on your part. It is difficult enough to change one of your own behaviours, trying yourself to change someone else's character is impossible. He has a lifetime of conditioning to undo and it may well not happen.

I would talk to Womens Aid in your circumstances and move forward without this man. All that is happening at present is that he is just dragging you and your son down with him.

And I didn't answer your question about how to save your marriage. You can't change someone else's behaviour, you can only decide how to respond. So I would suggest you first get yourself and your DS safe and away from him. Then seek counselling for the abuse you suffered as a girl and, more recently as a wife. If you've never experienced a happy, healthy, close relationship with a happy, healthy man, you are going to need help understanding what 'normal' looks like and help regaining your confidence which must have been severely damaged down the years. While you are doing this, if he wants to save your marriage, he can undergo his own treatment. If he doesn't care about your marriage, he will carry on exactly the same.

He won't change and you can't change that. I agree with Cog. It is a useless waste of what precious little energy you have if you try and understand him better. All the understanding in the world, all the theories, all the explanations aren't going to change him.

But you can change. You can survive without him and your DC's can still have two parents who love them even though they don't love each other.

Agree with everyone's advice. Your son will not thank you for making him grow up in an abusive home OP, please be sure of that. I grew up in a toxic home and I resent my parents hugely for it. I have spent thousands of pounds and been through hell emotionally trying to come to terms with it and I'm not done yet.

You don't have to live like this

I resent my mother for putting me and my brothers through hell, being beaten and smacked as literally little babies. We had to watch her and my older brother being beaten if he hadn't been deemed to play well at football on Sunday. Oh yeah and if he moved a tablecloth when he got up from the dinner table. He has been in abusive relationships with abusive women since adulthood. I'm guessing you wouldn't want that for your DS. I was called a prostitute from the age of four.
My father never changed and threatens to beat me to death with a baseball bat even now as an adult.
All this did for me was teach me that this was the norm. I have since had violent abusive relationships with men and believe me I don't look for them. It's probably the result of very low self worth from childhood.
Get out now!