DH texting with his friends

[ubiquitousslug]

On holiday and have been using DH's phone to make international calls for work. Took a sneaky look back at some of his Wats App conversations with male friends. All very innocent and mostly about their interests, sports etc, but I just feel a little gnarled by the way they talk about women.

He has some single friends and in conversation with them after a night out he is always so keen to know if they "hooked up with any babes." (babes is a word DH NEVER uses!) Then one friend in particular is coming back with "yeh I hooked up with 5 babes over the weekend."

FIVE? What are they, 13 years old? They are 40, do they both actually believe this is true?

Then DH reminisces about his "partying days," and says things like "I remember I used to drink 2 litres of vodka and then go home with 2 women for a threesome."

He has never told me this!

Is this just macho bullshit to look good in front of each other, or is it likely to be true that DH has kept stuff from me about his past that he only tells his male friends?

He mentioned our marriage too, which was sort of good I suppose. The friend asked him if he wanted to come to a naked mixed sauna in Germany and DH was saying "OMG I heard the women there are so hot.. sounds so amazing, but you know I am married now, so I can't do things like that anymore!"

This all makes me a bit uncomfortable, but am I just being silly and this is how men talk to each other?

I would never check dh phone and I don't think your is doing anything other then silly banter

If my dh knew half the naughty things I did before becoming a dutiful faithful wife, I'd hate it

Is in the past

He had a private conversation with his mates, it is allowed and if he wants to be a bit if a twat with them so be it. If you probe into people's personal space then you have to be prepared that you might not totally like what you find. He sounds like a decent enough bloke who has just reverted to being 17 for a short while. Give him a break and concentrate on all the good things about your relationship.

oh come on, how many of us if all of our texts etc were revealed wouldn't look a complete tit in at least some of them??

More interested in why you felt the need to have a sneaky look at his private messages but thats a totally different post.

Oh let him off the leash for a while.

And snoop away, for me. If people aren't open, its all they deserve. If they are open, they won't mind.

The feeling that you are supposed to be an 'open book' 24-7 can be very abusive and thought-policy, even if your thoughts are merely silly at times.
I've experienced 2 abusive relationships where either this expectation/snooping (then acting hurt/confused about innocent things e.g. listening to an Alanis Morrisette CD where she sings about a cigarette when his relative died of lung cancer) was the norm or constant looking/'teasing' so I felt I had to be sensible all the time (and ex would want to stroll in the bathroom when I was shitting on my period because we had 'no secrets' ).
Not saying for a moment OP is being abusive but IMO it is NOT OK to snoop, spy and judge all the time on the grounds the other partner shouldn't mind if they're not cheating.
We have a right to not be watched by our partners when we do not wish to be: especially if that is to do something as innocent as be a bit of a twat in some banter with our mates. Especially the innocently silly stuff.

Well I don't send texts like that and I don't know anyone who does!

I don't understand the hysteria about reading texts. I couldn't care less if DH reads my texts/emails and vice versa.

It could be an in joke or he's making an idiot of himself and most likely he knows that. I'd be if my DH was snooping though.

I don't understand the hysteria about reading texts. I couldn't care less if DH reads my texts/emails and vice versa.

Then you are unusual IME. It shouldn't be a given part of a trusting relationship unless both see it that way - I would see it as quite the opposite (i.e. either partner thinks I'm cheating or partner wants to see every detail of my life, neither of which is trusting to me).
Reading (or demanding to read) a DPs text is considered to be controlling by many people - including the adverts/leaflets we give young girls about emotional abuse.
Again, not saying OP is an abusive partner, but that reading another person's texts is not really on unless they 100% freely let you. For either gender.

Allowing your partner access to all the messages you send to friends etc, on FB, by email, forum, whatever, is a bit like letting your partner stand and watch you take a no 2. Why would you want to tho?

He sounds a bit like Phil from Modern Family, but x-rated!

Stainless if you've been abused through constant prying/spying (whether out of distrust or to gloat and mock), and gone through the recovery, you become aware that personal/private space is vital in a trusting relationship. It doesn't imply shame or guilt. It implies trust, that you know your DP would not go into your phone without you knowing because s/he trusts you, treats you like and adult and doesn't seek the 'control' of wanting to know everything 24-7.
Or maybe it's their partners they don't trust, and their messages are a lifeline to the outside...?
Actually - the opposite.
It's only in cults where the breakdown of personality is such that it is viewed as a sign of distrust and escaping to the outside.
1: If my DH caught sight or got wind of a silly text I wouldn't be distressed at all;
2: but if I found him rooting through my phone (then moaning about me) I would be deeply upset;
3: neither of us would be going round showing each other every bloody inane text we've ever seen either, we have far more interesting things to talk about.

As I have said before, working with vulnurable younger people, we are trained to warn them about DPs who expect to see their phone. So I'm not being paranoid in saying it isn't a normal expectation and doesn't mean the relationship is healtheir.

Well I wouldn't equate sending a text with "doing a number 2" so perhaps that is where we differ...

whatdoesittake48 Thu 05-Jun-14 14:09:08
tell him you read it and that he comes across as a 12 year old. that will be punishment enough. tell him to grow up and expect a little grovelling. Hopefully he will see the error of his ways. Also point out to him that you want a grownup as a husband and that if he ever calls you a babe you are out the door.

He most certainly does not need to grovel! Why should he have to apologise for a private conversation, that she should never have been part of, that was between him and his friends and has not one thing to do with her really! He does not need to be punished, he is not the one who has done anything wrong.

I go about daft with my friends, especially the ones I have been friends with since I was a teen, I sometimes revert to being a bit teen like!

Does it make me not a decent loving wife/mother? Dos it mean I have something I should be ashamed of, or to apologise for? No.

Do he and his friends often role play The Imbetweeners for giggles ? It's rather juvenile and would make me think I was sleeping next to a 15yo. Not haaaawt at all.

Absolutely bloody ridiculous. So what if men act like kids every so often? Do you and your girl mates always talk like sensible 40 year olds when you're together? Leave the man alone. If anything it should be you doing the apologising.

I think I would seriously have difficulty in refraining from ripping the piss out of him, it would be oooo dh look at those babies (whilst pointing out silly things) and I would be calling him Kevin from Kevin and perry go large. But then I can be a sarky cow.

You shouldn't have been snooping.

Firstly, snooping the phone in the first place is the biggest issue. Secondly, many men I know act exactly the same.

ubiquitousslug, Unless you suspected your DH of having an affair and you were looking for evidence, you were bang out of order snooping. It sounds like they were piss taking to me, but the fact it's bugging you is punishment for sticking you nose where it doesn't belong isn't it! As they say "Curiosity killed the cat".

"hooked up with any babes."
"yeh I hooked up with 5 babes over the weekend"
"I used to drink 2 litres of vodka and then go home with 2 women for a threesome"

Yeah right, as if, LOL.

Get him back by putting his pet rabbit in a pot of boiling water. And keylog his computer etc.

*Well I wouldn't equate sending a text with "doing a number 2" so perhaps that is where we differ...

Not what I said....

whatdoesittake48 Thu 05-Jun-14 14:09:08
tell him you read it and that he comes across as a 12 year old. that will be punishment enough. tell him to grow up and expect a little grovelling. Hopefully he will see the error of his ways.

WTF? If my DH went snooping in my phone, discovered perfectly innocuous texts to my mates and then proceeded to lecture me on my style of writing in them, I would be seriously pissed off. I certainly would not be grovelling, he could fuck right off. As an adult I reserve the right to speak to my mates in any way I want (as long as it is not offensive to THEM) my DH doesn't get to guide me on the correct way to do this. Jesus wept.

You took the piss by reading through his whatsapp conversations.

That is more of an issue than his silly conversations with his mates.

If my partner read through my whatsapp messages, Id be seriously fucked off and feel a bit invaded.