Abusive ex restarted his old behaviours towards me what do I do now?

[Cantgobackhereagain]

Ok story is I have two dc with ex who was very abusive, manipulated me for a very long time. His behaviour was also directed towards his mum at times although never to the same extent as my treatment. However I left with help of women's aid moved far enough away tht he isn't on my doorstep and for 5 years now although not all plain sailing we have maintained an amicable and distant relationship to allow him contact with dcs. He is never consistent ie will not decide till a thursday when he is seeing them over a weekend, wont say what time they are back etc but I have been relaxed in my attitude towards this as 1. I feel that the kids are old enough to have their opinion and they want to spend time with him. 2. He doesn't usually take the piss too much I think it's just the way he operates (no structure to his days, life)3. It caused so much more stress to try and put my foot down, I stepped back from it.

In all this time I have never felt he has spoke badly of me generally he follows through on any consequences I have in place for the kids so have felt it was reasonably settled.

The past few weeks the old behaviour has ramped up again, things Iv said being manipulated and twisted and said to be my fault when actually he has brought kids home early because its suited him. Iv had a few phone calls with abuse and I can't have the stress in my life at present. They were due to go on holiday and Iv told him he cant be trusted to be civil and reasonable with me no way are kids going away with him. Cue lots of texting where he clearly thinks I'm a walkover and he will get his way, Iv stuck to my guns and told him if he continues his behaviour he can arrange contact thru a third party. So all quiet until today when he texts 'if that's the way you want to do things....just you carry on'

Is this a threat? What do I tell the kids and what do I do now? Or am i being out of order? I dont think i should back down, he can't be respectful to me and is only adding stress to my life which is already incredibly stressful. Ds has asd.

Should add he found out a couple of weeks ago me and partner have split up. I just can't do this again, what do I do? Thanks for reading

Ive had this problem, I wish I had gone to the police... you should threaten him with it. If he continues to behave this way you will get the police involved for harrassment. That should put him straight... and stand by your word. He thinks now you have spilt up with your partner you are fair game again, draw a line in the sand now before it escalates. Dont let him back in your head x

I didn't want to read and run, but i think you've done amazingly well to rebuild and re-establish as you have; seriously, well done! My gut response is no, do not back down, stick to your guns, adopt the broken record approach. If you back down, the floodgates are well and truly open, disengage, ignore, do not give him the oxygen. It's like he's taunting you busting for you to retaliate like he "used to" be able to wind you up. Well he hasn't changed.....but you have. Good luck, stay strong xx

Even better - what missboo said.....these men are so thick, they text and email this abuse without realising they're creating EVIDENCE. Doesn't occur to them you can do something with it; def threaten with police action

Ok, you have acted admirably so far and well done for finding the courage to leave and start a new life. I think you are right for putting your foot down before this escalates. I don't think you can say that his text is a direct threat but nonetheless is ambiguous enough to stir things up. If holiday is booked and paid for it might be a bit harsh to stop them going. Don't rise to his abuse. Make sure you stay calm, polite and no shouting. However, you must stand your ground and make it very clear that this is not going to be tolerated. Don't respond to any abusive texts other than to say that you are not communicating until he can act in a reasonable manner. The kids are obviously aware that their jdad has problems hence you having to move away. Just tell them very simply that daddy is not acting very nicely at the moment so they need to have a little break from seeing him until he can sort himself out. You have been so strong and I know you will continue to be so. Don't let the bugger get to you as you have more than enough to deal with right now.

Someone with knowledge of the practicalities will be along soon to suggest how you might get this started regarding third party. My gut feeling is that since he knows you have just split up from a relationship, he is most certainly sharpening his blade to abuse you again. Pfft .. he sees it that you have no protection now and you're vulnerable. He can drop his mask and revert to his usual ugly self. Says it all, eh?

I think you should do what you can to snip this first offensive at the balls level. Get stuff sorted out via third party and set it up so that minimal contact is required. Whether to cancel this w/e or not I'm unsure about. How old are the kids now?

Sadly, I think the 'old behaviour' never really stopped. All those things you did for a quiet life, putting up with the erratic contact etc.. that was him carrying on being in control. Now you're on your own again, he's turned it up a notch. I think I'd tell the DCs that the holiday is off and then go talk to a solicitor - make contact a formal thing through a third party if necessary that he can't bugger around with in future. Stick to your guns

I agree he always has had this element of control but We could bumble along without incident and I just want the kids to be happy. They are 10 and 15 so well aware. The holiday is not booked yet but it's an all singing all dancing fun holiday they would love. Hes phoned and text all morning to which Iv not replied, he's now using the holiday as a weapon 'you can explain to the kids why YOU have done this and all the rest etc I'm sure they will understand' what a knob!! And now this via text... my dd was 'disgusted' with me due to my being away for a few days (work related) and my ds had a thing at school, I couldn't get away to phone before it but spoke afterwards. Bear in mind i did all the prep with him for it, i see what he's doing I'm going to ignore. But confirms I'm right in not letting them go he's not a rational person.

They will be so disappointed, what a horrible person.

They will be disappointed but that's a small price to pay for stopping the rot and finally taking control. He can't use the holiday as a weapon so effectively if you've already poured cold water on the idea. Ignore all texts, phone-calls and e-mails from now on except ones strictly relating to contact. And stick to the contact schedule rigidly ... no more allowances.

I'm betting his behaviour has changed because he had know intention of taking them on this all singing all dancing fun holiday they would love and the easiest way for him to not take them is to make you out to be unreasonable.

I'm sure your children especially the eldest is well aware of their dad behaviour.

If he's been phoning and texting all morning, you need to contact the police and report it as harassment. Draw a line.

op cant stop kids going on holiday with dad (if they want to go) because of ex behaviour to her... court would not hold it up.

but op should yes set contact schedule, use a third party, and ignore his msgs - but also state to him that you consider the msaages harassment and will report to police. .

Clutterbugsmum - my gut feeling is something along the lines of what you say. Now I'm mrs bad guy and he doesn't have to pay or have the responsibility of looking after someone other than himself.

He wouldn't go to court, he's not that motivated and it would involve spending money that he goes out of his way to hide to prevent the CSA from giving me anything for the kids.

I will contact the police if it continues, thanks for the reassurance this has thrown me a bit but I'm feeling bit stronger already.