what now? mental health issue

[caruti]

I posted a couple of weeks ago about my dh leaving- we have five dc one of which is a tiny baby. I had lots of support on here and lots of RL support too. A few developments since, which are making the situation very difficult. Dh has been diagnosed with bipolar. Everything he has done and how he has been living are symptoms of this. I am no expert but have started reading around the condition and can now see clearly the signs that were right in front of my face. I posted on the mental health board but didn't have any replies. Has anyone here any experience of dealing with a partner with bipolar. From what I've read most marriages like this end in divorce. I believe him that the OW Is a thing of the past now but how to rebuild his damaged relationships with his dc. I should add he doesn't actually want to come home. Thanks for reading.

If he's left and doesn't want to come home then he's not a partner, strictly speaking, he's an ex. I'm sure you still care about him but you have yourself and 5 DCs and that's a big responsibility that should take top priority. You must put yourself first. If he's been diagnosed now then there will be a treatment plan in place and all you can usefully do is hope that the treatment is successful. That is his responsibility.

He needs to get himself as well as possible first before he can even think about re building a relationship with his children. You need to make sure he is well enough before you let him see the kids. If he is in either a manic stage or a depressed stage the he may not be capable of seeing/Loki g after the children. I would take this very slowly and see how well he responds to medication/therapy. Make sure your children are safe and cared for properly especially the little ones. Looking after 5 kids is tough for anyone but for someone with his illness then perhaps visits/ time with kids need to be in very small doses once he is stable.

can you look after five kids and be a carer to him, managing his illness? it is a big task to take on. you will need help.
see what support is available to you. speak to MIND and RETHINK.

and it is for him as an adult to rebuild the relationship with his kids - you can facilitate that but he needs to accept the illness and work with his MH team. you can also get support for the kids via GP - ask for referral to family therapy/play therapy...they might be able to facilitate sessions too..

better he lives elsewhere -and he wants to anyway - while treatment plan is on-going and you work with his MH team to arrange contact with kids. tell him/his mh team you need that support.

it should be a long term thing.

after six months or a year you can review, if he is stable etc.

My mum had boyar and they never divorced... It was tough though.

At the moment he is living with his parents. I don't think this is the best place for him. His mother has told me he isn't ill which is hardly helpful. I'm worried that he isn't going to get better- if he feels they are embarrassed of him. I'm probably not the best person for him either, as it's difficult for me to cope with the issue of the OW. I believe that his interaction with her was part of his manic behaviour. She's a married mother however. I don't suppose she had any idea what she was getting involved with

He's really not your priority. He's let you down extremely badly, you no longer live together and you have five genuine dependents, plus yourself that need your full focus. You are not the best person to deal with this - he needs professional support.

It's hard though to not feel I should do something. I know reat there is nothing I can do and in fact I make it worse because I'm too emotional. I feel like I'm grieving for someone who hasn't died .

It is painful but like any other behavioural problem (or MH issue or addiction), however much you want to, you can't separate it from the person and say 'if only'... they didn't have that problem they'd be a great guy. This is who he is now, the previous version has 'died' in effect, and that's the reality you have to work with.

Hi.
My heart goes out to you.
I was diagnosed with bi polar but it took a while and looking back at my behaviour and how I treated my son's father makes me so sad and ashamed.
Unfortunately we split up because I was intolerable, though I can see that now.
We are still great friends and he is a big support-but despite the love he had for me we couldn't make it work.
You need to try and focus on you and your kids. It's hard when you love and care for someone because you want to help. Downside is if he's anything like I was before I got my meds right he can't/won't see what he is doing to everyone else. When I was having an 'up' I believed everything crazy was totally rational.
I hope he gets all the help he needs and you work it out but make sure you take care of yourself whilst he is getting sorted. x

yes it is a kind of bereavement and you need support -go to your gp for nhs counselling sessions.

but a others said, let his MH team take care of him .
and if his mother thinks her way is best so be it.

you look after you and your dc.

I know that I have to focus on the dc and myself. My RL support has said the same thing. I rang the SANE helpline and they barely mentioned him; they just asked about me. It is very hard and his behaviour is paranoid and irrational. I have tried for him to see the children but I am beginning to think he needs a total break. He is very negative to me. He isn't sorry and apologetic at all- he is just nasty. This might make it easier to deal with as he isn't very nice at the moment.

Caruti the reason those agencies asked about you is because you are the one in need. Your husband's medical professionals know the score...if takes a fairly long time to obtain a diagnosis of bipolar.

He is with his parents and they will care for him. Can I suggest that you also are in need of counselling...mental health problems take their toll on the whole family. I have been signed off work and am in counselling because frankly I cry everyday. I am in short having an emotional breakdown or as the dr called it Adjustment Reaction Disorder trying to deal with my husband's depression.

We all have a finite amount of emotional energy...you are sharing yours with five children. Ultimately you are not in a position to help your husband...and you definitely shouldn't want him at home amongst your children. Please visit your GP and tell them what is going on. Take whatever help you can get and use what emotional energy and reserve you have left for you and your children.

Ultimately your mental health is more important at the moment please don't risk this and the happiness of your children. Your husband is in a safe place at the moment and you need to step outside.

Best wishes to you.

Dont think about what he needs
Think about what you need
What the dc need

If the dc need or want to see him then Work with his mh team to arrange this.
If they not bothered about seeing him for a while then don't force it.

Thanks everyone for your support. I'm actually still on maternity leave. At some point I have to go back to work and cope with that too. I am still in shock that we are in this predicament. I am worried about the return to work. I have three months left so hopefully I will be able to reach some stability by then.

As I said I really think you should go to the GP yourself. I know its easy for me to say not to worry about work...Ultimately I'm in the position I'm in because I was trying to hold on to everything. Depending on the type of work you do you can review this when your mat leave finishes and perhaps speak to your supervisor. You may find being at work helps keep your mind off things.

Please don't under estimate the effect that this will be having on you and your children. I wish you well x