How do I deal with anger towards my mother?

[Clint88]

I've just had a bit of an epiphany (whilst pairing socks, no less) and realised that the rage that terrifies me so much stems from my mother/things I am actually really fucking angry with her about.

What do I do? I don't want it to have a negative effect on my own kids. Is there a type of therapy that's good for this sort of thing?

I won't be talking to her about any of it btw, the hassle would not be worth it!

Well done for having the epiphany.

What sort of relationship and contact do you have with her if any these days?. Do you keep your own children away from her given her past behaviours towards you?.

Your own anger is completely understandable, what has made you so angry about her?. Is your mother a narcissist in terms of personality; is she the sort of person who basically rides roughshod over everyone's feelings and thinks that "consequences are for little people"?. Such toxic people anyway never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

You do not mention your Dad; is he still around?.

I would post also on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread as you would get advice there too.

She's not that bad, just a self-absorbed whiny martyr sometimes. Always plays the victim if I am upset. She is ok with the kids, she doesn't see them alone really, just social/playing etc. I see her every fortnight or so, talk to her in the phone maybe once or twice a week. she thinks we're really close but she knows nothing about me really, she has this 'daughter' in her mind which I don't think necessarily corresponds to the actual person.

I don't want to talk to her about any of this, nor do I want to break contact or anything, she isn't horrid. I can't distance myself any further, I didn't reply to a text last night & already have had needy 'are you getting my messages?' by 9am today.

I have never been at all close to my dad and he will always always take my mums side in any disagreement.

I don't think I'm a candidate for the stately homes thread, she's not mean, just very...annoying? Self obsessed? Not in a cruel way.

Rage may stem from your mother but you sound self-aware enough to recognise that it's you who is doing the raging, it's not good behaviour and it should stop. I think once you've reached that realisation, you're half-way to solving it. Consciously change the paradigm and, whatever you would normally do and however you would normally react to a stimulus, try something different.

I don't express it outwardly. I used to drink a lot but since I've had kids I just kind of hate myself and eat instead :)

Our relationship with our mother is a life worth of study. It's great to examine it if she's driving you a bit crazy.
I would take a long view.
A good technique from psychotherapy is to write her a totally honest letter (NOT to be sent!) saying everything you feel like saying. Then hide it, then read it later. Very illuminating to yourself. You could do a letter a week for a month and see how expressing some stuff makes you feel. You could look into mother daughter relationship books, check amazon feedback for which might be useful for how you feel.
If you can afford it, psychotherapy is fab IF you get a good therapist, Gestalt therapy is good for mother stuff IME.
But to liberate yourself from negative maternal stuff is a gift to yourself and your kids. No mother is perfect but we should try to look at toxic relationships if we can. We may just turn into our mothers in the wrong way if we are not careful!

Only you can hate yourself.

If the rage is so strong that it terrifies you, that's strong! I may be looking too deeply into it, but since it's so strong then I suspect there's more to it than your mother just being a 'whiny self-absorbed martyr' and needy. I don't mean anything sinister such as physical abuse necessarily; but crowding you to the degree that you suppress your own needs is pretty unhealthy.

This profound sort of rage comes from the need of the psyche to protect itself when it's being invaded.

If you can, therapy with a good therapist will help, but it's not the whole answer.

Physical exercise can help unload the adrenaline and energy from the rage. Talking to a good firend or partner is also really helpful, over time.

Hard question, don't answer it here but just privately; do you ever find yourself being unreasonably angry or snappy with your children? If you do, then I think you need to take the rage even more seriously than you are now and step back and examine the whole situation with yourself and your mother again. If you don't find yourself getting snappy, then great =)

As cogito says, recognising the problem is a huge step and gives you the potential to change the problem. There's still a hell of a long way to go (I know; Im still very much on that journey) but it's a really big thing when you get that epiphany. Yay for sorting socks!

My mum is like this. Somehow the situation is all about her... I had a miscarriage and all she kept saying was how she felt about it and how it effected her.
I learned a long time ago that leopards often dont change their spots, even when I have highlighted her behaviour somehow it just creeps back in. I dhave learned to just accept who she is and set a level of expectation from her so when she does behave like this I dont feel so upset about it.

I can't advise on therapy but the suggestions you have had sound useful. And addressing this might unravel why you feel you hate yourself. Something popped into your head I wonder why now. Has there been more than average vexation from your mum recently, is there a milestone anniversary or event coming up?

I only really thought hard about my family dynamic once I had my own DCs. I didn't question how things worked at home and how we got along for years. As far as I can see Stately Homes covers a lot of ground between the outright abusive to the am-I-imagining-this-or...? line of thinking you get from realising actually, not every family works like your own.

donkeys I have a private theory that women tend (only tend) to channel suppressed rage into self hate ... no idea how accurate that is!

I think if someone isn't apparently an out and out monster we underestimate the power they still wield.

And maybe we feel guilty at being made to feel the baddie because anyone not directly affected and looking in from the outside assumes we exaggerate or fabricate the difficulties or tensions a martyr or perennial victim leaves in her/his wake.

Thank you

Lots to think about here. I read the thread in my car at lunchtime and had to drive around for a wee cry! I've been brought up to feel like a total feckin ingrate if I so much as question her, it's scary to be honest about her behaviour even though it's not so terrible in the scheme of things.

She's not that bad, just a self-absorbed whiny martyr sometimes. Always plays the victim if I am upset. She is ok with the kids, she doesn't see them alone really, just social/playing etc. I see her every fortnight or so, talk to her in the phone maybe once or twice a week. she thinks we're really close but she knows nothing about me really, she has this 'daughter' in her mind which I don't think necessarily corresponds to the actual person.

I don't want to talk to her about any of this, nor do I want to break contact or anything, she isn't horrid. I can't distance myself any further, I didn't reply to a text last night & already have had needy 'are you getting my messages?' by 9am today.

I have never been at all close to my dad and he will always always take my mums side in any disagreement".

Actually a "self absorbed whiney martyr" type could well be a narcissist in terms of personality. Also your Dad is playing a role in this; like many weak men he is the bystander here and has also failed to protect you from her excesses of behaviour. His attitude is basically, "suck it up child, I will not protect you from her. Am too busy because I want to do self preservation and need a quiet life".

I'm not surprised to read that currently at least you do not want to break contact with her but she is indeed horrid and she is giving you rages inside. It needs addressing and a good therapist would help. However, these people are like shoes and you need to find someone who fits in with you. The first person you see may not do that and also you need to find someone who has no bias about keeping families together despite mistreatment.

You have come to regard her behaviour as not horrid and "normal" but I tell you now all her behaviour is typical of how a narcissist would interact. She is not at all interested in you and/or your children really is she?. Its probably painful for you to see her so call interact with her grandchildren.

Her own image of you as daughter is likely to be very different from how you see yourself as her DD. No wonder you are angry, do you feel like you are your own person (probably not) or do you feel like your mother tried to mould you in the image that she always wanted you to be. Do you still seek her approval?. I would read up on NPD and see if any of that fits in with what you already know.

I think you would be an ideal visitor to the Stately homes thread; it would not do you any harm at all to post there. Do think about it at least.

I read an article '21 signs your mother is a narcissist' - she isn't, she's not Judy Geller mean, she's just...stifling at times and I've never felt listened to. She would tell you she has encouraged me all the way but she's never really taken any genuine interest in my interests iyswim.

There was a hobby I was desperate to do as a kid and she'd always just say 'we'll see' and I never got to do it. There were a couple of other activities/clubs that got the same response. We could have afforded it, they were local, not dangerous, I look back now and think wtf? My own kids are only tiny but i can't imagine doing that, if they show interest in anything I try to give them opportunities to explore it.

My friends dad once gave me an LP he got at a car boot cos he knew I liked a certain band and I can remember crying in my room after cos my parents would never do that. They are generous but don't know what I like. I know that sounds so silly and trivial.

When I was about 14 she read my diary (!) and had a massive go at me because I was un complimentary about her in it. I am still RAGING about that! She never apologised. I was a very unhappy teenager and if I read a diary like that I'd be concerned about the person who wrote it. Life in our house was very strained. Since I left home things are better between us because I can tune her out and focus on her nice qualities.

It's a bit of a floodgate. Feel quite teary and will look into therapy. As my own children start to assert their own personalities and likes/dislikes I'm beginning to feel like I don't understand her parenting at all.

Clint, I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. I have EXACTLY the same relationship with my own Mum. And now I have kids I find it even more upsetting, and I too feel rage inside (especially when she is around) and I take it out on the kids all the time.

I have moved abroad, which helps(!) but her visits are really hard, especially as I see the way she is so cold with her grandkids. I don't think she means to be, she just doesn't know how to be anything else (Irish catholic upbringing, she has major issues). She's not a full on narc but she has tendencies. She's not a monster, she's nice enough, she's just very difficult to have as a mother. And she doesn't know me at all. I keep things from her now, especially as she is older and makes a drama out of everything.

Anyway I have no answers.....just to say you're not alone.

OP, I hope you realise now that you are far from Alone. Both my parents are very much like your mum - I understand your anger completely. If you've grown up not being allowed to have your own feelings, then naming and owning your feelings can be very difficult and can make you feel ashamed. So well done for recognising the rage. You have every right to feel it. The problem is that anger turned inwards on yourself becomes depression so its really healthy that you're thinking of what to do next.

I cannot recommend psychotherapy enough. I'm 4 years in and I have a long way to go but I am immensely more stable and confident than I was at the start. Uncovering feelings can be extremely painful but its the best thing I have ever done for myself. I agree with others that you need to find a therapist you feel comfortable with and that may not be the first person you see.

Keep going with this. I don't know if it helps but I think your mother's behaviour sounds extremely hurtful and damaging and can completely understand why you feel as you do. Keep posting if it helps x

Thanks

She's not cold, more kind of smothering? Like a stereotype Jewish mother in pop culture. She is very invested in the idea of herself as this wonderful selfless person and perfect mother/grandma and will tell people, oh we're so close, I'm so supportive of my daughter, what would she do without me etc. She doesn't actually give me much practical help, but does come and play with the kids and she can be really funny. But&eut she doesn't listen to me and I don't confide in her because it's all OMG I AM SO WORRIED HOW WILL I SLEEP type thing.
She dumps all her stress and worries on me and I resent it, idk if I'm mega selfish but I don't think you should make your child feel responsible for your emotional welfare.
She is kind and does do things for people but has to get recognition for it. She posts a lot of shit on fb of the 'selfless martyrs need lots of attention AHEM' type.

I feel like a dick now tbh, she's annoying but I don't think she is a bad person. Maybe it's all my stuff.

Have found a therapist who I like the sound of, I will have a bit of cash to spare soon so will try not to fuck my poor weans up too much!

Thanks again for the responses, I really appreciate it

no one is black and white ... I'm sure she has some good qualities, being funny is great =)

But your feelings are valid, clint - while you only see one side of a story on the net, deep rage of the sort you're describing doesnt come out of nowhere. It comes in response to something. if someone is merely annoying, then 'pissed off' is a normal response after a while. Deep rage is something different, and comes often from a direct threat to the self.

Thank you Meerka, I think I know where the 'threat' came from and I do feel a lot more positive now - I'm going to look into some therapy and hopefully will be be able to rise above her nonsense at some point!

clint I seriously could've written your posts.

My DM isn't 'that bad' either. But the subtleness of it all is so very very confusing. I sometimes wonder of it would be easier if things were worse because it would then all be more black and white. Posting on the stately homes thread has really helped me in both practical and emotional ways, though I too feel somewhat if a fraud even going near it given some of the horrid/sad/mad things posters on there go through.

I've been toying with the idea of therapy on an off since the start of the year but chickened out due to the fear if it being too all-encompassing and not having enough headspace to handle it (am 7m pg with dc2).

Like you, I realise different things on and off at the most random times. For example, I've always thought I was shit at art and music and English but I've recently realised that I think it's because there was no room for me to be any good at those things, DM has always been the biggest and best at them so I think part of me simply thought there was no point trying because my efforts were irrelevant next to her greatness. What I'm really struggling with is how much of that is her 'fault' and how much is mine. Perhaps she is genuinely good at those things and I'm simply not and have turned my feelings of inferiority into some kind of blame on her. Very confusing stuff.

Aaaaanyway.... Well done for acknowledging your feelings, it's v hard to get your head around and perhaps easier to deny/ignore. I can't speak on the therapy side of things but I personally think the book How To Talk So Kids Listen & Listen So Kids Talk to be great and is latterly based pure and simply on respecting your kids and their feelings and thoughts... Something that I have always felt was missing from DM towards me.