some perspective please - long and slightly complex!

[isitmethistime]

Bear with me with this but background info is needed...
I met a guy at uni and we stayed together for 7 years, also living together. He was lovely but I ended the relationship, it was the right thing to do, we got together too young and I needed to be alone. The thing was, despite knowing that he was a really nice chap, I always had the vague sense that my friends and family didn't really like him/found him annoying/thought he was a bit naff. Not sure if this contributed the the break up, maybe slightly.
However, when we broke up ALL of my family cried, and several friends commented that he was the nicest person they'd ever met, so clearly I had totally imagined the not liking thing, which is a bit weird.
Fast forward 10 years, life has changed a lot, I am now married with 2 kids. I care less what people think than I did when I was younger, so don't really spend much time thinking about what my friends think of him etc.
However, about a year ago, I felt my DHs behaviour towards my family changed, and that he was being quite rude to them. I spoke to him about this and he completely denied it and was quite offended. Eventually I apologised to my parents about DHs rude behaviour. They didn't think he had been rude, and told me that they liked him. My mum did say she noticed a change in him, but though that he was unhappy at work.
A year later, I'm feeling the same again, and have brought it up with DH again, he has told me that I am making a problem where there isn't one, and if I carry on having a go at him whenever we see them, I will be making him not want to see them (which I feel is already the case). There was one concrete incident where him and my dad exchanged cross words, I felt this was almost entirely DHs fault, I asked him to apologise, he wouldn't but did take my dad a cup of tea, and since then they seem to be fine. Although I thought DH was at fault, it was the end of a very long and tiring week for all of us, so I can see how it happened.
The problem is, I have no idea if there is a real problem or if I am being paranoid, and so no idea how to proceed. If I am making the problem up, why??? Looking at what happened in the previous relationship, do I have some sort of tendency to think badly of my partner? Anyone any ideas?
So as not to drip feed, my relationship with DH does have some issues, we have to work quite hard, but we do love each other and have some good times, he's there for me when I need him etc.
If you've got this far, thanks for reading!

Maybe the 'issues' you have with DH are sensitising you to his behaviour with others? Working quite hard at a relationship never sounds entirely healthy to me.

Have you spoken to your parents/family about his behaviour recently? If they think he's been ok maybe the issue is more about the relationship between the two of you and you are projecting your dissatisfaction onto other people? It's reasonable to expect DH to make some effort to get along with your family, but one disagreement that was smoothed over doesn't sound like a big problem.

I don't know exactly maybe you are being slightly paranoid about things.

If your family don't feel he's offended them, he doesn't think he has, maybe stop giving him a hard time.

I don't want to be harsh though. It's just I know a woman with paranoia. She's the nicest woman I have ever met but looks at the bad side of everything and its ruining her life.

The projecting/sensitising thing may be on the mark I think.

Also I've been having a bit of anxiety since DD was born which may not be helping.

Would you be able to say what the issues that require hard work involve? Do you believe your anxiety is irrational? Could provide some context.

Don't want to say to much for fear of outing. Issues are things beyond our control that put stress on the relationship. It means we are often feeling quite drained. I'm not sure if my anxiety if irrational or not, which is the problem I suppose. In general I'm not an anxious person, but have found myself anxious about a lot of things since birth of DD, which is why I'm questioning whether my perception of how DH is with my family is just part of this, or something real.

IME Being responsible for a baby does tend to sharpen up your sense of danger. Things that you could take in your stride in the past suddenly appear threatening. Which makes sense from an evolutionary perspective if you think about it - we're hardwired to protect. If there are things beyond your control going on, if the relationship isn't going so well and you're stressed into the bargain a degree of anxiety is normal and will colour your judgement.

On any level are you trying to protect your family? What does 'stress on the relationship' look like?

You're in a relationship with someone whose personality differs to yours. You do realise this right ? So when you communicate, it depends on whether you are judging him by your own goggle or if you should judge by his goggle and his standard. I have similar relationship with my mother, our personalities are opposite. So to keep harmony, I can only offer what I can when I can and be energised about our interactions.

When you are "paranoid", it happens because the other person is not on the same wavelength as yourself basically. And more often than not, you are pushed to put yourself into their shoes and think in their ways, but doing this will make your life so much harder. It should not be this way at all. You have to let go of the slights. And even so, even if you felt your DH is rude to your parents, sometimes parents can give you the loyalty and keep the water calm. For the sake of your marriage as well. My own mother is very classic at this because she wants all her children to be happily married and stay married. Even if there are anything which is wrong, she does not want to be the key factor to make things worst. It has to be between the couple and whether they want to depart on their own terms. (As you can guess, I only know that because she rants to me about my other sibling's action sometimes. Which to me is not right but if it lets off steam for herself, then this is what I normally do. In small doses.)

cogito I get what you're saying RE heightened danger, but not sure quite what you're asking. Do you mean trying to protect my children or my parents?
Our relationship is quite normal, but the 'issues' I mentioned mean that we often feel depleted of energy which makes everything feel like quite hard work sometimes. At other times it's fine.
maisie interesting post thanks

I was asking if you're trying to protect your parents. The example I had in my head was someone who was easily angered and, if you lived with that person, you might become sensitised to the early warning signs and try to defuse if you see it happening with someone else.

oh I see, yes maybe, not anger but maybe I'm more aware of how he's feeling than anyone else in the room.

You sound like you're a little on edge in that room watching his reactions, whilst at the same time being thrown because it seems like you're the only one conscious that he's being rude.

There was a thread recently where there was a woman married to a man that drank enough to be obnoxious without actually being falling down drunk. She was also sensitised to his behaviour to the degree that she was on edge in any situation with alcohol 'waiting' for something to happen. Other people witnessing the same behaviour played it down... 'he's just had a few' (etc)... but she found it quite upsetting because she was exposed to it all the time.

Feels similar...

hmmm, I'm thinking about that...