Learning to trust..

[SupremePizza]

Hello!
So, two things.. 1) I've never trusted anyone, ever. Due to an exboyfriend pretty much ruining my self esteem and ability to trust.
2) My now husband had an emotional affair a year ago, which had just teetered over into an affair when I found out.
Since then he has married me, and we have moved to the other side of the world for a fresh start. But. I still can't trust him, and I'm still paranoid about everything. This is really starting to get me down. I've been like this with all previous relationships, imagining the worst and jumping to conclusions. He says I have nothing to worry about, and that I am my own worst enemy. I know this. I just want to stop! I want to stop obsessing over how long he is in the bathroom, and who is texting him, and who he may or may not have lunch with at work. I think I just feel if I worry about him cheating, I can stop it happening. And as soon as I stop worrying, it will happen. That sounds insane even to my eyes! Any advice? Although I'm guessing the best thing to do is find a shrink over here?? :)

Catastrophizing. I found CBT really helpful for this, and the chronic anxiety that went with it.

I have been there and Zi totally understand what you mean. It's exhausting isn't it.

Somebody said to me once there are no guarantees in life and it's helpful to tell yourself that WHATEVER happens in life you trust in yourself to survive and handle it. It struck a cord with me and I found it gave me a sense of calm. (You can trust yourself right?)

Also, focus on yourself more and what you enjoy and want to achieve in life. Don't give every piece of yourself away trying to please others.

Hope this helps.

Why are you so desperate to trust him?
He did cheat and he was found out, rather than come clean.

Trust has to be earned and it's not because he says he's not cheating that you can believe him.

Many people end up separating because they find out they are not able to retrust their partners, not surprisingly.

Donki and Tellanovella - very helpful thank you. Am currently on the phone to my insurance, booking a therapist as I type.. Yes I have a habit of catastrophizing. Constantly.
Chaseface - Why I got married is my own business. thank you.

You know, i am deleting this thread. Mumsnet always seems to make things worse,

I'm sorry you're deleting the thread. It's always sad when someone blames themselves for having 'trust issues' when the reality is that they are with someone who is 'untrustworthy'. You can spend a lifetime in therapy trying to make yourself ignore your feelings you could check a copy of Aesop's Fables out of the library and read the story of 'The Boy Who Cried Wolf'....

Hi lovely my dh not cheated but have same insecurities. I have just focused on myself whenever these thoughts arise like this much harder in your situation i understand but i relate very much to how you feel i really do.

Were you distrusting of your OH before the EA teetering on affair?