Good idea to move after split?

[candyce83]

First some background info, was in a 2 and a half year relationship with a woman with 2 children…she has borderline personality disorder and has split up with me over 50 times. Recently I started to end things because I didn't know how else to get through to her and she would create situations that would push me out the door(testing me) but always got sucked back in because I do love her. She would tell me to go away then blame me for leaving??? She's ended it this last time.

No matter how many times I tried to change myself to be better for her, there was something else she said that I would do wrong. I don't even know who I am anymore and Ive lost all my friends so don't really have any support. My family is back in the USA so I don't have them around either unfortunately.

Since ive been involved with my ex, Ive been cutting and been hospitalized for a breakdown. When I was in hospital she was incredibly unsupportive and tried to dump me when I was allowed out for a couple hours then made me go stay at my house when I was discharged…i felt so vulnerable when I left and felt like it would've been nice to stay with her.

I guess theres two sides to the story but all I know is how I feel and its just low…I want to move and get away as she works 30 feet away from me. Im really scared though as Im considering cardiff and know no one there…Advice anyone?

Cardiff is pretty scary... :) Sorry, I'm just being flippant. Moving away in your case sounds like the perfect solution and it doesn't matter if it's Cardiff or anywhere else. You need to but some serious distance between you and this woman. There may well be two sides to the story but it's clear that you've been the victim of an extremely emotionally abusive person who has subjected you to severe psychological bullying. It's no wonder you've suffered so much

The more time you spend away from her and the further apart, I think the better you mental state will become and you'll realise that whatever it was you thought you felt for her, it definitely wasn't love. I can't work out if you're male or female but you might want to check out the online Freedom Programme which is aimed at female victims of male abuse but which has something relevant to say about abusive relationships more generally

I believe that some people must be on a kind of autistic spectrum i.e. they just don't realise how their actions have an effect on others. They just don;t see it. Your friend/ex partner/partner? is unlikely ever to change because she is unable to accept the way she interacts. Once your self esteem has been trashed the way that it has been it is hard to get back from -5 (which is where you are) to 0 (i.e. neutral). By moving away and beginning to love yourself for the caring person that you are and re-awakening old friends and making new friends then you would be on the road to a +5 self esteem. When I was in a similar situation I read a book called 'The Road Less Travelled' The road to full repair has been a long one but it has been worth while. Best wishes

Thanks so much Cogito…I am a woman :) I really loved her and thought i would marry her. I was absolutely head over heels about her children so I feel like Ive lost 3 people instead of the 1.

Do you really think this was abuse? she never called me names, it was the push pull thing, then blaming me for the things she actually does..(projection)

When I was in hospital her ex husband told me she met up with him and asked for him back she lied about it then laughed in my face when I confronted her. She is lesbian but she says its because he'd never leave her. She did this another time after wed just split and said it was because I always leave…how can I not leave when she pushes me out the door?

Im honestly so confused, I just truly believe its all my fault...

Thanks charlmart…Her bpd means she has no empathy for people…she has narcissistic traits as well…she would always lure me in with saying shed go to counseling then say she couldn't afford it, then go and pay a deposit on a tattoo!!

She's had a very traumatic upbringing and such a skewed vision of people, as in everyone is dangerous. I know this isn't love Im just a distraction from her true feelings...

Of course it was abuse. It has a few different names and takes several different forms but what you experienced was emotionally abusive behaviour. You were controlled and suppressed through manipulative techniques which in her case appear to have been the extreme granting or withdrawal of affection according to whether you were doing what she wanted or not... very cruel indeed.... plus lies and ridicule on top. You exhibited all the responses of a victim of abuse - depression, isolation, breakdown, confusion. You ended up blaming yourself to the point of self-harm and you still seem to think you are at fault.

If she has a borderline personality disorder (professionally diagnosed? treated? or you clutching at straws?) you may have believed you had to make allowances and not expect her to behave like a regular person. That's not a healthy basis for a relationship.

It will take you some time to properly get this malign influence out of your head and out of your life and it will be much easier to do it from a distance.

Wow you are so right! Ive asked her to not text me just to make things easier for me and so far shes text about using my ebay which I didnt respond to then text me asking me if I have her tweasers. I said a firm no. I wonder when the abusive texts about me ruining her life will start?

God its so nice to have support from you amazing ladies!!! I feel so welcome here! Xx

Ps as far as her bpd, my counsellor has told me shes pretty certain she has it....every single artical ive read about it points to that as well...

What you think, I think or your counsellor thinks is largely immaterial. Bottom line is that being around this person has driven you into the depths with their abusive behaviour. Your health, mental or otherwise, is far more important and far more urgent than wasting time working out what's going on in her head. There are plenty of abusive people in the world and there are plenty of people with personality disorders. Suggest you avoid both in future.

I know you are absolutely right! I just need to be strong…I hope I can do it!

You are already strong because you've endured abuse for two and half years and you're still alive. Take that job in Cardiff, find some fresh welsh air to breathe... hope you're OK this morning.