I'm all over the place after split and very pregnant, don't know what's important anymore

[gotagoldtoof]

I split with dh a week ago after seven years together. He has had MH difficulties, compounded by drink and drug problems. This has led to him stealing from me and lying to me. He stayed out all night, uncontactable, until 9/10 am at least once a month. Could not hold down a job, contributed all he could when he could, but that was rare. So I had enough and told him to fuck off.

Now he has told me he will not see our children again. He says it is my choice and if he cannot be part of the family, he will not be able to see the children. I am due to give birth to our third in a month! I am in a living nightmare and I am horrified the second I wake up and remember what is happening. How do I tell the children (2 and 4)? Why do I miss him so much? When am I going to stop feeling like I'm dying? As soon as I put the kids to bed at night I can't stop sobbing. I literally cannot stop. I'm a mess. I don't know what to do.

He was not the best father, unable to put in boundaries or discipline, but was tender and kind with our children when he spent time with them. He made them laugh and I know he loves them so much. How can he do this? They are amazing and perfect... how could he just say he won't see them again? Why is this rejection hurting me so much?

I feel so guilty about splitting up with him. I have been responsible for him for years, we had a parent/child dynamic. It was unhealthy hence the breakup, but now I feel so responsible.

I just want to take him back and start again, but I know it won't work. How am I going to explain this to our children as they get older? Is he really going to just disappear?

What a pathetic man child. You children do not need such a waste of space in their lives. He is controlling and emotionally abusive. You are so much better off without him.

But of course you are sobbing - you are in shock. But this is the start of a whole new life for you. There are some very wise people here who will help you through this.

UnMNy hugs to you.

He is trying to control you into staying with him. He knows you want the best for your kids and it would probably kill you to have them ask about their daddy all the time.

Don't listen to the lies that if he didn't see the children it would be YOUR choice. That would be entirely HIS choice!! No one could live with the roller coaster you've just been on. To regularly stay out all night. No way I'd be having that. He's been behaving so irresponsibly, forcing you to become the responsible one. You will feel so much relief to be away from him. He would be one less to worry about. It's rubbish timing, but you can and will cope without him. He's no support. He's not a real partner.

Are your family supportive? Could you rely on them over the next while?

Thank you so much for your support. I feel really guilty, and so ashamed that we couldn't make it work. I wish I could stop bashing myself over the head with it all! Of course, he is bashing me too with spiteful jibes and says he was 'not that bad' despite the issues. What if he just disappears? Am I going to be able to just get on with things alone.

Yes, my family are amazing thank you and I'm staying with them at the moment. My work colleagues and my friends have been incredible. My life has actually been ok, because I just spend most of my time with them! I never fully realised things were so bad at home until this pregnancy and I have expected more.

He is saying he will go abroad and we won't ever see him again. If the messages would stop and I never heard from him again I would be relieved perhaps, but what about the children? What if he keeps messaging me about how much I have made a terrible decision, I feel so vulnerable.

You are not responsible for his behaviour, HE is!!!

He was "not that bad" my foot! Not coming home, not providing, drink and drugs - wtaf?

He is manipulative as well.

[shocked]

Your story is like a double of my own.

My stbxh was unpredictable. One day lovely, the next silent, the next depressed, the next cruel. I could never match up to his expectations. The goal posts kept moving. I wasn't thin enough, chatty enough, too chatty, worked too hard, tidied too much, was too untidy, was overprotective of dc, the list was endless. He told me on several occasions he didn't love me and he was just sacrificing to be with me for the sake of the dc.

After lots of lies and emotional abuse that was turning into aggression and throwing things I finally asked him to leave. That was almost 2 years ago. The children are 6 and 2. Yes it's been really tough. And I totally goes what you're saying about the guilt. I live with that. Even though all my friends and family are marvel that I stayed with him for so long....I hid so much from them out of loyalty to him.....he was my husband after all?!

But such relief I have felt since the day he went. I can breathe again. I can wear what I want. And you can and will survive. It's not easy, but with the support of RL friends and family you can do it.

I used to tell myself it was temporary, and if he sorted himself out, in time, we could work it out. That helped me through. But there's no way I'd go back now.

If he just disappears, he'll be showing himself to be a spineless twit. Your children are young. But it will not take them long to realise who is there for them day in and day out. They will make their own minds up about their dad.

You do. It need to carry guilt for your husband. You are not responsible for him. Try and separate your responsibilities from his. That helped me. You do not have to carry it all. You will survive this, and come out stronger.

Hugs. X

Sorry for typos!

You're doing brilliantly. You've done the right thing by your children, you've removed them from modelling an unhealthy relationship with an inadequate, addicted parent. You've done all you can to prevent them possibly repeating similar relationship/life choices in the future. You have been immensely brave and you will get through it, you can and will feel better in the future.

Not surprised you're feeling so lost and vulnerable though, after having to go through all that, being pregnant too, I think it's absolutely impossible not to crash when the leaving is done and you've landed somewhere safer!
Take it a day five minutes at a time, keep thinking of how far you've come, eat well and rest as much as you can, keep hugging those kids, and things will get better a tiny bit at a time, little by little.

Bloody well done though woman, excellent parenting, amazing strength, fantastic, responsible, adult behaviour. You will be fine, and so will your children, they have got you x

Thank you so, so much. I feel stronger this morning. Still working through the practicalities. I am going to meet him now so he can pick up the last of his things. I can't tell you how strange he is being... I wish I didn't have to see him.

You love your children and if someone told you that the relationship was over you would move heaven and earth to see them I am sure of.

Now look at what has happened you told him the relationship is over and he loves the children so much that he is quite happy to never see them again.

Stop thinking he has the same thought processes as you. He is being manipulative to get what he wants.

It's working! I would do anything for my kids (I'm not peter andre, promise!). Anything. The things I have asked him to give up - drink, drugs, nights out are things many parents give up as expected on becoming parents. We met so young and we still are quite young; none of our friends are settled, still partying etc. I have been comparing our life to theirs, but of course it's completely different. And I stopped it all the second I found out I was pregnant!

I think he is trying to punish me by saying he will not see the kids. He is hurting himself! And them!

I so don't want to see him. But I need him to go away and stop asking for his belongings it's painful.

If he really does what he is threatening then you deal with that as you have to when the kids get older. Sadly I doubt he will do you all the favour of actually disappearing! This is more manipulation to get you to get back in your box and behave yourself. He's a selfish, self absorbed addict and he sounds like a truly terrible father. You will have a tougher job protecting your children from the harm caused by having contact than you would by dealing with no contact I'm afraid.

Why do you need to see him to get his belongings?
Could one of your family go and sort that out?
If he keeps saying he will get them and then not showing up, then go round and pack everything up yourself.
Put the bin bags out and tell him to get his stuff by XX date.
If he doesn't then you will put them out with the bins.

This is NOT your doing. I can see you feel responsible but you can't fix this. He is an addict.

The 3 'c's as always mentioned on here.
You didn't Cause this
You can't Control it
You can't Cure it

He has to do all of this himself.

Yes he is trying to punish you. It's hard, but try not to let him.
Can you get another cheap phone. Put this SIM into that phone and give it to one of your family to check for you.
Get a new number for everyone else.

Do not engage with him on anything other than access.
If he doesn't want it then that's his loss.
Just keep a record of it in case he tries to re-write history later on.

You know you are doing the right thing. Keep going and keep strong.

I don't think he will go permanently either. We just had a bit of a showdown as he wanted me to 'say it' one last time, that I no longer wish to be in a relationship with him, even though I am aware he will 'disappear'. I told him he couldn't force me to stay with him unhappy just so he saw our children.

I cannot really understand his point that if he can't live with the children, see them every day etc, he won't spend any time at all...? It's mind boggling. But then he asked me to let him know when the baby is born!

Maybe he is using this as this is the only thing that has really upset me.

How do I deal with the practicalities; who will be my birth partner, divorce, should I register new baby with the married surname, closing joint account. All this stuff is huge and scary, but I don't want anything more to tie me to him, especially if he isn't interested in our children.

You could start with CAB so they can advise what steps you need to take to move things forward.
Or a solicitor if you can, would be good too.

Think about who you would like as your birthing partner. Mum? Best friend?

The baby's surname is entirely up to you. That's a decision that can wait until after baby is born though so don't stress about that.

Get to the bank and sort out joint accounts.

Yep, he's using the children to punish you. What a lovely man!

Birth partner - do you have a nice friend? Otherwise, I accidentally gave birth without XH and they were lovely. A student midwife came and stayed just to keep me company!
Divorce - later. No need to stress about that now.
Surname - up to you, you don't need his agreement. He doesn't have to be there when you register, as you're married he will be named as father anyway. Do you think the child will want the same surname as his/her siblings? Will you change your name if you get divorced?

If he's likely to carry on being a twat I'd get the money out of the joint account and into one in your own name asap in case he empties it first and drinks/smokes it all.