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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

For those separated, when did you take your rings off?

21 replies

everonwardsagain · 03/06/2014 20:55

So after finally having the courage to end my emotionally abusive marriage, I'm now at my next dilemma. I felt for years a lot of issues were down to depression rooted in very low self esteem and he often displays OCD. I believed very strongly in trying to make my marriage work and in my vows of in sickness and in health. He had one episode a few years ado where we went to the docs and he tried antidepressants but they didn't work and that was the end of that. Over the years I tried so hard to talk to him and he kept saying it's got fuck all to do with depression, leave me alone. After years of being tarted badly I gave up.

The sad thing is deep down I know he is a good person and that's why I gave him so many chances. Now we've finished, he has booked counselling, admitted to everything, admitted to feeling very depressed, and treated the children far better. He is only just after two and a half weeks getting his crying under control. He doesn't want sympathy and is freely telling all the family it is all his fault. He still keeps talking about winning me back but I have stressed he has to get better for him and the kids, I can't promise him anything.

In trying to help him see, I took my wedding rings off. I have been made to feel awful by our families and they have implied that I am clearly doing this to let the world know I am available. I'm so confused and upset and feeling ridiculously niaeve. I was trying to make a point to him - and to me really. I have got a young family and a full on stressful full time job. The thought of going on the pull and getting myself a boyfriend is really not high on my agenda. I just wanted peace and calm in my house and in my life. Should I put them back on to prove I'm not on the pull?! Maybe it was short sighted and I'll thought out, it's only been two weeks. Argh!!

Hope this makes sense, difficult typing on the phone!! Thanks for any advice.

OP posts:
tomorrowisanotherday13 · 03/06/2014 21:02

I took my wedding ring off immediately to make the same point to my husband but replaced it with a nice dress ring from Marks & Spencers! So the wedding ring was off - statement made - but replaced with another ring which sort of took away the "I'm ready for the world to know I'm available". This gesture helped my exh & stopped (some) unwanted advances until I was ready!

everonwardsagain · 03/06/2014 22:00

Obviously treated not tarted! Rubbish on phone keypad. Anyone else happy to share when they took their rings off? Thank you tomorrow for your reply, that's not a bad idea!

OP posts:
17leftfeet · 03/06/2014 22:04

I took mine off 3 months before we split

If he noticed he never said anything

Not wearing your rings is not a sign to the world you are available, it's a sign that you are not attached to him

ilovemylittlestars · 03/06/2014 22:06

I took mine off a few days after I left - not to show I was available, to me they symbolised our marriage vows and us and all we meant to each other and also I felt looked after - all that went and I just didn't want to wear them anymore cause to me they meant nothing

handfulofcottonbuds · 03/06/2014 22:07

My stbxh had an affair and is living with OW.

I constantly had my DM tell me that I needed to take my rings off but I wouldn't do it until I felt ready. I think it was just over 2 months before I did.

Strangely enough it was something I had to do as I developed eczema around my ring finger, I never had that before. It felt strange as I didn't realise how much I fiddled with them.

I then went out and bought a couple of rings from Accessorize and wear them on my middle finger. I put my engagement and wedding ring back in their box in a drawer and haven't looked at them since.

nespressofan · 03/06/2014 22:09

The day after I received the email ending our marriage.

handfulofcottonbuds · 03/06/2014 22:12

OP, you'll know when the time is right. I don't think anyone can tell you x

TheresAHuppoInMyHouse · 03/06/2014 22:15

I took mine off on the night I told him it was over. I couldn't bring myself to wear it any more. I wanted to be free of the symbolism joining me to him. I have never thought that it makes me look available without it, and no one has suggested it to me! Been ring-free for nearly 4 months now: SmileSmileSmile

Its a shame that people have been making you feel bad. It's your decision and your relationship which is ending. You believe in your decision and your integrity. And bravo for doing it!! It's such a hard thing to do. Thanks

Layter · 03/06/2014 22:18

Like leftfeet I took mine off before we split. They were a symbol of a marriage which was in tatters and I wanted him to have a visual reminder of this. I hoped to be able to put my wedding ring back on again but it didn't happen.

Elledouble · 03/06/2014 22:18

Couple of weeks after he left.

And then flogged them about a month after Decree Absolute!

WhotheWhat · 03/06/2014 22:31

I took mine off pretty much as soon as my XH was rumbled and asked to leave the premises. It never crossed my mind that this was anything other than a response to my marriage being totally shat on by his actions. (Incidentally, 6months after decree absolute and he still wears his! What's that all about??)

It being a signal that you're available is ridiculous. I hope your family is being supportive as well as opinionated. xx

everonwardsagain · 03/06/2014 22:44

Thank you so much! This is why I love mumsnet (and my best friend too, she said the same!). Interestingly it was mainly his mum and my mum. His mum doesn't want to believe it's over and my mum cares too much about what other people think. Or maybe it's a generational thing. Either way you've helped reaffirm my decision. Must remember to listen to myself more, especially now the hardest bit is done. Thanks so much again xx Thanks

OP posts:
FushandChups · 03/06/2014 23:20

After a particularly horrible argument with StBXH when he said some truly unforgiveable things - that was it! It was about 6 weeks in probably and I really wondered but when it was right, I knew - and it sounds like it is the right time for you, everyone else is just going to have to catch up and accept it.

MakeMeJumpIntoTheAir · 03/06/2014 23:27

about 3 months after i found out about the lying cheating bastard. On New Year's Eve!

FolkGirl · 03/06/2014 23:33

I took mine off the day I discovered his affair and kicked him out.

It made me feel sick to leave it on.

Unbelieveably, he says that I was the one who ended the relationship because I took my rings off. He had no intention of ending the marriage Hmm

PlantsAndFlowers · 03/06/2014 23:36

I was confused about when to take them off, but someone then took my wearing my rings to be a sign that I wasn't over my ex, and I literally sprinted home to take them off.

Desertrunner · 03/06/2014 23:40

I threw mine across the kitchen at him the night I found out he had been having an affair for the past 6 months. Didn't put them back on again after that. Then I sold them.
Taking off rings doesn't mean you are available. Just means you are not with the person anymore. For me it was a mental detachment and helped me.
Sorry you are having a tough time.

PPaka · 03/06/2014 23:40

Agree, it's not symbolising your availability, it's symbolising your detachment from him
I also did it to prove to H that I was serious

Sassy777 · 03/06/2014 23:48

My stbexh told me the night before our holiday that he wouldn't be coming home after the holiday! I had to still go as the kids were really looking forward to it. He told them the day before we went home. I took my rings off halfway through the holiday.

MaliceInWonderland78 · 04/06/2014 15:40

whothewhat Perhaps your ex wears the rings becasue he gets more attention.

I always said that I wouldn't wear a wedding ring when I got married - for no other reason than I'd never worn jewellery (apart from a watch) and didn't think I'd get on with wearing a ring. I agreed to wear the ring for the duration of the honeymoon in order to keep my wife happy.

By the end of the 4 weeks, I found it didn't bother me at all, so I kept it on and (now getting to the point) I've found that whilst I'm not exactly beating them off with a shitty stick, the ring isn't exactly kryptonite. Probably the opposite. I'm not sure taking it off sends that much of a signal. I could be wrong though.

MaliceInWonderland78 · 04/06/2014 15:42

I should point out that I've never EVER cheated on my wife. I just note that a wedding ring doesn't seem to stop certain women from er.......

sistahood my arse!

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