How to talk to DH about changing jobs

[californiaburrito]

After 3 years of interviews and general messing around my DH has been offered a new job. It is not an obviously better position than the one he has now as it pays about 80% of his current salary and involves a lot more travelling, but my DH would find the work more interesting and the career progression is much clearer.

We are going to have a big talk about it this weekend.

I would really like to do this without blubbering and bursting into tears, but really I am just so bored and unhappy. I can't face the idea of having to economize more, do more child care, and put my goals on hold for longer. I've been at home for 5 years with the kids and while I won't ever go on to have big career I would like to do anything else something. My confidence is shot. I feel fat and old. I have no financial independence (although all money is family money). I am just somebody who other people want something from.

So how the hell am I going to sit through a 4 hour car journey trying to help my DH make the best decision for himself and our family without sounding like a whinging self centered bitch?

I think you should set yourself some realistic goals.

How old are your children? Can you study part time? Can you get tax credits so you can return to work?

If you don't change. Nothing will change

Also he is doing what you want to do. I think you should encourage him. And then focus upon yourself

get a part time job to make up the remaining 20% yourself....providing financially for the family is BOTH your responsibility. No point taking your frustrations out on him-that won't help. Economizing is something everybody has to do - even those with two working parents.

"My DH would find the work more interesting and the career progression is much clearer."

This sounds like a step forward for the long-term well-being of your family. Why would you want him to compromise on that?

Look to your own prospects and stop trying to handicaps his.

What is stopping you from getting a job?

hmmm a 20% drop in salary is a daunting prospect that needs to be discussed as a family as it impacts on you all. I suppose it depends on how much he earns to a degree. A 20% cut of £100k is easier to work around than a 20% cut of £16k.

That said i am a huge believer in that true happiness comes from being engaged and satisfied with your work rather than how much you earn. So all of that has to be factored in too.

Sounds like this could be the ideal opportunity for you to start working again which is what you would like, so it all sounds like it could work out.

Some of the other issues you raise are of course nothing to do with where or for whom he works. You need to talk about those with him too.

Could you look into going back to work?

Is his new job going to make it harder for you to get a job? If so then I think you need to be up front with him that you would like to go back to work and that you both need to work out how that could fit with the new job.

If his new job won't make it any harder - then I'd keep the discussions separate. Help him decide what's best for him to do. Then - a few days later - bring up the fact that you want to go back to work. Ideally, with a bit of a plan about how that would happen.

In terms of coming up with a plan - what age are your kids? have you looked into job options that you would be eligible for, or retraining?

Thanks everybody for your comments. My youngest is not school aged and it would be a a serious financial hit for me to go back to work. Jobs in my previous career are very hard to come by and would not cover childcare costs. My DH would not be able to work at the level he is now without my support. But beyond childcare there would be no additional support for me if I were to work. And in considering this new job he would be asking me for more support.

I, of course, want the best for my family and to support DH but I feel like I am so deep in this rut that I can't see clearly and that makes the decision really hard to talk about.

Ok. So it sounds like your short term options are limited.

Can you think about a plan for the medium term - say when your youngest is school age? By then, child care costs would be reduced. Would your DH's earnings have gone back up by then (hope so seeing as you say a plus point of the new job is clear progression) if so then again that means help is more affordable.

I think it might help you to think (and talk with DH) about a medium term plan even if it's something you can't do just yet. Makes you feel less trapped and gives him advance warning that things will be changing in a few years' time.

No harm in mentioning that you have this kind of plan in mind, when discussing DH's job decision. If you can talk about it as having a plan for a few years' time, that might get help you avoid "whinging" (your word not mine, I don't think it's whinging) about your current situation but also get across that you want a change when it's possible.

I think Minipie is on to something. Looks like it aint gonna happen soon.

My advice is during your talk with DH to hopefully get from him an acknowledgement of your part in his career. I think it is going to be extremely important that you know your actions and your keeping the home fires burning are appreciated. That will help you. Meanwhile get planning. Having a plan may lift you out of the doldrums.

Even if dh is travelling more, if there is any regularity at all, do try and get out regularly by yourself so that you have some of your own interests to keep you not just sane but hopefully happy with life.

Has your dh actually had an offer? Is there any possibility to negotiate pay on the basis of his current salary?

How much per month less would it be? Would you be able to manage?

I hear what you say about putting your goals at the back of the queue again, but if you didn't actually plan to go back to work now, it is not something that holds you back in your career plans?
How long until the youngest starts school?

My youngest is not school aged and it would be a a serious financial hit for me to go back to work.

I think you and DH should see childcare is a family expense and not somethingto be paid for by the working mum.

Also, have you checked out if you would get help with tax credits (childcare component) if you were to go back to work? If your youngest is 3 you will also get 15h free childcare.

I work and most of my salary goes towards childcare. BUT I have a job I enjoy, it gets me out of the house and it will hopefully give me better opportunities in the long run.

You are bored with being at home and looking after kids because it is boring being at home 24/7 looking after kids and doing housework. No Mum I know wakes up in the morning and says ' great ! lots of Sh..t to scrape off nappies today, Yea!
Only you can change how you feel and you owe it to your dear children as their main carer( who are absolutely dependant upon you for the quality of their lives, ) not to show them how bored and miserable you are, as they are in no way responsible.
You can choose not to ' wallow' in poor me ! what have I done to deserve this, etc, or you can gird your loins, as they say and make lists, get out, take walks, think positively, try harder to enjoy your children as they will soon be gone, etc

Op, not sure whether you've had the talk yet but just wanted to say good luck and I think, as other posters have said, the best way to address it is to talk about your happiness and his happiness and your family's happiness as one collective project. So you will of course help him achieve his career goals, but not at the expense of your own goals and contentment. I hope you can come up with a joint plan for the medium to long term